AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

They usually have dysfunctional partners or as said up thread take out their frustrations away from the relationship
Most men want sex, food and a bed to sleep in

I don't see this, tbh.

The "clearer social script" isn't always there in dating by any means: lots of people meet partners through work or other friends. Lots of relationships grow out of what had been friendships, it can be very ambiguous. It's not like you're following a set protocol.

Sexual attraction, yes obviously that's a different element although again you can have friendships which morph into relationships.

Total monogamous commitment is a difference but if you're meeting a friend (as opposed to a partner) why should the lack of monogamous commitment be a disadvantage? Surely it makes things easier and more relaxed, not harder?

If I know I'm meeting someone who is sizing me up as a potential life partner I'm going to be much more nervous than if I'm meeting someone for a coffee who I may or may not see again.

The first is much higher stakes than the second, surely?

Find friends hard at 50. Have one great friend for cinema or shows. Alot women dont want put efforts in now to keep it going. I noticed last year Im always reaching out. It did open my eyes how flaky people are.. Im kinda done with it all. My daughter 20s said college girls same quite flaky. A few nice ones too

I've only read the first couple of replies, but I disagree strongly with them. Some posters are suggesting that once a partner is found, people stop trying. Far too trite and simplistic. A lot of life happens by chance, and why shouldn't friendless people get lucky and find a partner. I say this as someone who had no friends for most of my schooldays, few since then that lasted. Yet I met my husband to be at age 17, have now been married 39 very happy yrs, but am usually on the outside whenever I interact with people, and not through lack of trying. There are frequently articles advising on how to get out of attending friends' weddings, but I've never been invited to one. I struggled to find a bridesmaid for my own wedding. It's a mystery why some people make friends and not others, but it's just a little patronising to be surprised when we find love.

@RosaNovella

They simply cannot understand that people choose their own friends and have this raging entitlement and have to make a perfectly normal mum going for a walk or seeing her mates all about them

Yes! But how is someone as thin-skinned and suspicious as this able to attract a life partner? This is at the core of what I'm getting at.

People who burst into tears or go into a years-long sulk because someone hasn't talked to them at the school gates one morning seem unlikely to have the emotional resilience to manage the cut and thrust of a committed relationship involving sex, intimacy and all the rest of it.

To be really cynical, most men run a mile at the sight of that sort of petulant, febrile behaviour in someone they are dating. How is it that women like this (and apologies again but it is always women) have not scared off their own life partners? And how have they managed to sustain and build a long term relationship?

I do find it genuinely baffling that people who are so socially dysfunctional have sustained intimate relationships and families...

A few people on the thread have said they're ND so they slotted in their their ND partners easily when they met them.

There are plenty of ND women out there, so how is slotting in with them as friends any different?

My reading was that OP is talking about women because this is a ( mostly) women's site.
Anyway sorry if I have posted too damn much. It's my day off.

Regarding pp who said" How to move from clubs' to friendships? It's hard. Very hard. I have found that 80% of people just want to do the activity and don't want to make friends. But 20% do. They are just waiting for someone to make the first move. I usually do. Also, the 80% who don't want to make friends still add to my life..I also enjoy having some acquaintances.

Yep. A lot of these women martyr themselves around doing everything for their partners and DC. Then struggle with friendships as the DC grow, start school, and need them less. Men rarely have this problem. Meanwhile the Martyr Mums resent their partners for not wanting to spend every second of their free time as "family time".

@OtterlyAstounding

This really strikes a chord with me. I think that's a big factor. Friendships are so much more ambiguous and complicated.

I don't agree with this at all.

I have found historically romantic relationships far more ambiguous than friendships. In the past I've had loads of quasi-romantic relationships (looking back I was often being used, to be blunt) with blokes who didn't really want to commit or didn't know what they wanted, but enjoyed the attention/sex or just wanted friendship that went slightly beyond.

Because the whole point of a romantic relationship is it should be defined. Whereas I don't think a friendship has to be.

I don't understand why friendship should be subject to rules about status in the same way? People seem very dogmatic about how they categorise friends: ie they're not a proper friend unless you can call them at 3am and they have to return calls within an hour etc etc.

Like most people I have concentric circles of friendship: I have three or four proper ride-or-die friends: people I could call in the middle of the night if I was having a meltdown. Then another layer people who I cherish a lot and message but maybe don't see very often but I know they have my back. Then a wider circle of colleagues and friends-of-friends who I like a lot and socialise with sometimes but I wouldn't expect them to come to my funeral. And finally an outer layer of acquaintances with whom I have a friendly relationship but wouldn't expect to see again if they moved house.

I'm very relaxed about the idea that the borders between these circles are porous and some people move in and out, and that sometimes this is ambiguous. People move away, they get married, they change jobs and have kids and sometimes this changes the frequency of contact and that's OK with me. I don't take it personally and think they like me less. And I don't understand why people feel the need to name and pigeonhole people and have to be so inflexible about the definitions.

I've been with DH for 25 years, in my 50s, absolutely no friends. Not one.

This isn't my choice. I'm disabled and cannot work so do not meet anyone new. I had friends many years ago, but I moved cities after an abusive relationship ended to live in a refuge and for my own safety, had to cut contact with everyone from back home. I met DH very randomly a couple of years later and we became close very quickly.

I had a few acquaintances when DS was little via school but they fell away as our children got older.

I'm now in a situation where I have not had a conversation with anyone other than DH or DS (other than in shops/HCPs etc) for well over 15 years. Not working means I don't have money for a social life even if I had friends, and my disabilities can make going out difficult.

At my age I don't expect this to change. I often feel very lonely but accepting of this. DH has no friends either and hasn't all the time I've known him apart from now and again going for a drink with a colleague (maybe four or five times in 25 years). He is happy with this and says he doesn't need friends. We have no family between us either apart from DC. I wish I could be as unbothered about it as DH but unfortunately I do often feel isolated and very lonely.

Fair enough that the word clique is frequently misapplied. I also don't extrapolate anything to 'all women are bitches', as no one has a right to friendship with anyone else. But it still sucks to always be the awkward one that no one likes, and can make you wary of people.

As for 'all women are bitches', it seems like OP thinks only women are thin-skinned, socially dysfunctional, petulant, febrile, resentful martyrs who take offence to minor slights. Very interesting

Frankly, OP seems like the sort of person I'd steer clear of, as the amount of harsh judgement towards the socially awkward, and the dogged refusal to understand that people can feel differently to her, doesn't seem very friendly.

So you're saying that there are never any misfits who are bullied or excluded, in childhood or adulthood, for being a bit weird, different, or awkward? They must all just be misogynists?

There are misfits and people do get bullied (although the school gate mums threads vastly amplify this).

The point a lot of people are missing is: these misfits and people who get excluded seem to be able to manage committed intimate relationships. So they can't be as isolated and emotionally vulnerable as they seem to portray themselves.

Interesting comment! I guess there's also an element of being invested in a romantic relationship - possessions, children, finances - making it more challenging to disentangle than a friendship without these complicating factors. Meaning standards drop with existing partners and you tolegate behaviour in a way you wouldn't with friends

I'd join the knitting group. And the ramblers group. And the garden club. And the wine tasting class. And the yoga class. And the book club. And everything else I could manage to fit in.

But I wouldn't be able to make friends at any of them.

There is a world of difference between knowing how to interact in a group in a class or club or semi-formal setting, and knowing how to make friends. How on earth do you cross that invisible line between 'people who attend the same group' and 'friends'?

No. But I do think the word ' clique' is overused. In many cases, the OP will say that women ignored her by chatting to another women. That's friendship. Not cliques.

As for being different, I am a brown woman who went to school in an all white area in the 80s. There was bullying. I don't extrapolate that to ' all women are bitches" though.