AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

Socially awkward people, those who were ostracised as children due to poverty or religion and are wary of others now, those with autism or ADHD (like myself), or other differences. Anyone who doesn't fit into social norms, and despite being well-meaning or nice, may also be seen as slightly weird or gauche.

So what do you think can be done to help the situation?

I’ve had women tell me they need to be there for their partner/children so can’t go out. That’s fine , I’ll just ask someone else if they fancy a coffee.
you need to make an effort to get and keep friends, I understand it can be hard but I’d never want to just rely on my DH for a social life.

Not abandoned their friends, but been told to kerb it because the ‘my whole world famila’ is far too important to maintain friendships.

This I have seen over and over…

But it HAS cost me something (if I were in this hypothetical scenario). Apart from the time and money, it has cost me emotional energy. This is not to be taken lightly.

This is the fundamental difference between introverts and extroverts.
Extroverts gain 'energy' from social interactions. They come away from a social encounter feeling refreshed and vitalised.
Introverts lose 'energy' in social interactions. No matter how much they enjoy the encounter and value the person, they come away feeling tired and a bit drained and needing some time alone to recharge.

So for an introvert, every casual coffee with a potential friend has a cost. And that is before you add any social anxiety or masking or emotional investment.

What do you mean ‘A bit of a misfit’?

I think my relationship with my partner is so much easier to navigate, we love each other, we are committed to each other, we are each other's priorities along with our children and I know exactly how he feels about me.

I value my friendships and am open to making more, but it's much more complex to work out where I fit in, my friends have their own families and partnerships and other friends and friendship groups.

Some of the dramas make me think. People who are in friendship groups which include people they don’t actually like.

I am actually amazed that people get to middle age without having the resources or the independence to be able to handle not being surrounded by people. Maybe it’s an ND thing when it’s better to be alone than be around people you don’t actually gel with.

Of course. But it's not always the case, which is my point.

It's interesting that despite the many reasons given to OP as to why some people might struggle more with friendships, or be disinterested in them, she still claims to not understand. She's acting as though a lack of close friends means that a person must be flawed or horribly dysfunctional as opposed to just introverted and a bit of a misfit (for instance), and it's very odd. It does sound like a bit of a fixation on her part.

That's it in a nutshell.
Married people with kids (especially young) working full time have very limited time as a family during the week. So the weekend is often spent doing things together as a family. If o e works shifts on weekends (as its my DH case) it becomes even more the case that you have less and less time available to spend with friends and to make new friends.
I think simply saying the blame is on the person who doesn't put enough effort to cultivate friendships is too simplistic.

I'm not sure the posters who hate their friends/hate too many people to make friends have been more successful in finding a life partner. They have life partners but they seem to hate them as well - they just feel they can't leave them.

There are obviously couples who are well-matched introverts with little need for a social life beyond their blissed-up relationship but they don't tend to spend their time moaning about how hateful other people are.

Totally agree with this. It’s amazing how many women out there are ND and like attracts like.

My friends who are diagnosed/undiagnosed ND are the most incredible people. We can be ourselves with each other without apology.

The only NT people I can be friends with are those who genuinely understand.

I think at this age, about 50 we are all a bit sanded down by life and have lots of responsibilities and are a bit boring. I don’t drink alcohol any more so that’s definitely helpful when trying to get into a relationship or friendship!!

I have plenty of friends that are older and full of life and excitement and hope, and have interests and care about themselves and love to travel. I like those people as friends. I meet other women and they are just talking nonsense and are not funny and are too serious for me and would not be friends with them at all, ever, even if I was desperate.

So when you say 'some', you mean only a few?

Otherwise I still don't get how they can slot in so easily with a man they fancy, but not with women?

I also thin that these are the same people who refuse to reply to messages in a decent time because ‘no one is owed my time’. I have a friend who is notorious for this, then moans when people stop inviting her to things. The lack of self-awareness boggles

Of course there is overt bullying but there are also people who are either addicted to the dynamic or look for victimhood

I have always found finding a partner easier than finding friends and it's not a case of prioritising it or martyring myself or getting married young etc, I've essentially always been in a couple somehow so quite relaxed about that, and always actively trying to make friends which has been harder in the past.

I've wondered why and I think simply I am an introvert and I am sometimes awkward trying to get involved in group conversations or speak to somebody out of the blue. It is more complicated.

I've always done online dating and it's easy - make your profile, weed out the wrong ones, go on a date with the promising ones. If friendship had that laid out pattern I'd be fine!

I also don't mind so much when relationships end but would find it very hard if one of my friends suddenly didn't want to see me anymore. I think it's because the stakes are lower with a friendship that the rejection would be harder? It's fair enough if someone chooses not to settle down and stay with you forever but quite hurtful if they decide to never to even have a glass of wine/short walk etc with you again

@Thepeopleversuswork

If I know I'm meeting someone who is sizing me up as a potential life partner I'm going to be much more nervous than if I'm meeting someone for a coffee who I may or may not see again.

Neither me nor DH ever "dated" anyone else at all. When we met, through voluntary work, we weren't "sizing" each other up as a potential life partner. We were just work colleagues with a joint interest (hence the volunteering). It was months before we became a "couple", which was a kind of slow-burn of just working together more (both of us choosing the same shifts as we said we liked working together and didn't like working with some of the others, so we just planned it to work together where possible!), then one or other would "pop in" to each other's homes for a coffee when passing, again, mostly talking about our joint hobby, then we had a couple of trips out together, again involving our hobby. It was probably six months before we even held hands! There was certainly no element of nervousness nor sizing each other up as a potential love interest. We just "clicked" as two people with a common interest. It could have so easily happened for both of us with a person of the same sex (without the ultimate romantic involvement of course!). We've always been friends first, "lovers" second, right through our 39 years and even today, we're still each other's "best friends" first and foremost. We never really "did" the romance side of things of chatting up, etc.

But other autistic people exist to make friendships with. That’s the case with me. The majority of my friends are a mix of diagnosed/undiagnosed ND. Still a hell of a lot easier to meet and form friendships with them than a partner! Although I now also have one too (also ND like me) but it takes a lot more work to build a romantic relationship than a friendship

I often think that - coming from someone who has always had great friends and finds it easy to chat to people, i do wonder how these people meet life partners! A good example was many years ago where i worked with a woman who was a terrible bully of all her staff. People regularly came and went after she pushed them out/made their lives a misery. Was so shocked to find out that she was dating/married a seemingly normal/nice guy in the company. I was younger and couldnt fathom how i was single yet she found someone!!

Later they had a full on row and she screamed all his friends hated her.

Ohhh, interesting... This explains a lot.

Anarchy it should be 2 way efforts though. My friend said she finds the same with people now.