AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

Sorry, but that's a bit of a leap. Being neurodiverse is a distinct medical phenomenon. Introversion isn't, it's an element of your personality, and it's not "offensive" to say you can identify with some elements of this.

I think the pathologisation of both "introversion" and "extroversion" (both of which are wildly mischaracterised on here and used as a figleaf for various kinds of antisocial behaviour) is actually part of the problem here.

But we are not talking about people who don't want friends. We're talking about people who have convinced themselves that making friends is this hugely daunting, trauma inducing step which they can't make.

Such as the "bitchy school gate mums" threads. People riling themselves up emotionally because they think someone has blanked them at the school gates are not people who don't want friends, they are people who find making friends difficult. If they didn't want friends, they wouldn't worry about this.

And to come full circle to what I was talking about: I'm yet to be convinced why it is so difficult to wave and smile at someone at pickup and possibly go for a coffee with them when you've built yourself a LTR and a family. It just doesn't compute.

This is how DH is. He chats pleasantly to people but is not interested in going further.
The downside is that I am his sole emotional repository. I have to listen to everything that is wrong with his life. Lucky I have a few friends to talk to about my difficult menopause, because he doesn't get it!

And he is dealing very badly with the empty nest. Clings to the DC, who have their own lives.

For sure. I quite enjoy making small talk in a supermarket queue if a (usually elderly) woman strikes up a conversation, I like chatting to my kids' teachers, friends, and friends' parents at school events, have a few situational acquaintances in regards to a hobby, and spend a lot of time with (often elderly) extended family, in addition to my DH and teenage children. I really just don't have the time, energy, or inclination to make any actual friends. It would be exhausting, and not rewarding enough for the time and effort it takes.

Sorry, but that's a bit of a leap. Being neurodiverse is a distinct medical phenomenon. Introversion isn't, it's an element of your personality, and it's not "offensive" to say you can identify with some elements of this.

I think the pathologisation of both "introversion" and "extroversion" (both of which are wildly mischaracterised on here and used as a figleaf for various kinds of antisocial behaviour) is actually part of the problem here.

For sure. I quite enjoy making small talk in a supermarket queue if a (usually elderly) woman strikes up a conversation, I like chatting to my kids' teachers, friends, and friends' parents at school events, have a few situational acquaintances in regards to a hobby, and spend a lot of time with (often elderly) extended family, in addition to my DH and teenage children. I really just don't have the time, energy, or inclination to make any actual friends. It would be exhausting, and not rewarding enough for the time and effort it takes.

Sorry, but that's a bit of a leap. Being neurodiverse is a distinct medical phenomenon. Introversion isn't, it's an element of your personality, and it's not "offensive" to say you can identify with some elements of this.

I think the pathologisation of both "introversion" and "extroversion" (both of which are wildly mischaracterised on here and used as a figleaf for various kinds of antisocial behaviour) is actually part of the problem here.

Where has anyone said they are completely opting out?

Many people are still talking to others. You don’t have to be friends to chat to someone.

Also, just because it isn’t personally draining to you doesn’t mean it can’t be to someone else.

Everyone has their own bandwidths and they fluctuate daily for many people. Some days no one minds listening to a boring relative and other days it is tiring.

I agree this is a hugely important issue.

I am reading Gordon Brown's new book, for which a big international study was commissioned (many tens of thousands of people across the developed world).
In the UK, 65% of adults have three or fewer friends, and 12%, 8 million adults, have no friends.
The UK is not an outlier, but about average compared to other countries.

He talks about how this is linked to the complete hollowing out of community participation (e.g. the WI, church groups, scouts, working men's social clubs, music clubs, sports teams, youth clubs, volunteering, etc. etc.) and how damaging this is to the fabric of society.

But the importance of the issue doesn't make it any easier for some of us to make friends.

Then don’t bother with the emotional investment. Seriously it’s not worth it.

Don’t go for coffee with ‘potential’ friends. Let friendships develop organically. Make sure you like and are compatible with someone before you do the emotional outlay.

@StandingDeskDisco

But it HAS cost me something (if I were in this hypothetical scenario). Apart from the time and money, it has cost me emotional energy. This is not to be taken lightly.
This is the fundamental difference between introverts and extroverts.
Extroverts gain 'energy' from social interactions. They come away from a social encounter feeling refreshed and vitalised.
Introverts lose 'energy' in social interactions. No matter how much they enjoy the encounter and value the person, they come away feeling tired and a bit drained and needing some time alone to recharge.
So for an introvert, every casual coffee with a potential friend has a cost. And that is before you add any social anxiety or masking or emotional investment.

Respectfully, I disagree with the introverts v extroverts framing of this. I understand that introverts find this more socially draining, I have introvert tendencies. But it's part of life. It's no more draining than it would be to listen to a boring relative to keep the peace.

Also you have to think of the big picture: the cost to you of opting out of social interactions altogether is going to be much much higher in the long-term than the occasional cost of keeping them ticking along.

I agree this is a hugely important issue.

I am reading Gordon Brown's new book, for which a big international study was commissioned (many tens of thousands of people across the developed world).
In the UK, 65% of adults have three or fewer friends, and 12%, 8 million adults, have no friends.
The UK is not an outlier, but about average compared to other countries.

He talks about how this is linked to the complete hollowing out of community participation (e.g. the WI, church groups, scouts, working men's social clubs, music clubs, sports teams, youth clubs, volunteering, etc. etc.) and how damaging this is to the fabric of society.

But the importance of the issue doesn't make it any easier for some of us to make friends.

MN is home to some of the most extreme judgmentalism/sensitivity I've seen though.

Just look at the threads of getting the RAGE or the ICK about utterly innocuous things like eating crisps or sniffing, and the germphobic ones where posters seem to think other human beings are just walking biohazards. Then there are the overthinkers who frame every tiny social interaction as a power play.

If you think like that, not being able to make friends is a natural consequence.

No I'm not bored at all. I'm fascinated by it. I also think it's really important, socially.

People are becoming very atomised in our society at the moment and it's having a really negative impact both on our health and our politics. I think its one of the most important issues we face at the moment.

There's a growing body of data that demonstrates how critical social contact is in warding off a number of diseases, such as depression and Alzheimer's. Part of the reason we are so socially polarised is that people are far less willing than they were a generation ago to push themselves outside of their political comfort zones. It worries me.

And at the sharp end of this is the constant drip, drip on Mumsnet of people talking in negative ways about social contact, friendship and other things which I consider not just life-affirming but essential.

So I will bang on about this until the cows come home, sorry.

Where has anyone said they are completely opting out?

Many people are still talking to others. You don’t have to be friends to chat to someone.

Also, just because it isn’t personally draining to you doesn’t mean it can’t be to someone else.

Everyone has their own bandwidths and they fluctuate daily for many people. Some days no one minds listening to a boring relative and other days it is tiring.