AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

You are my polar opposite. 😂I am rubbish at hooking up and romantic connections. Decent at making friends.

I get it a little more now.

Of course I get that. But a lot of Mumsnet threads are about people interrogating the differences between different people and trying to figure out what is behind them and what makes people tick. I'm interested in this topic, partly for social reasons, partly because of my own experience.

It's a discussion board: that's literally the purpose of it. I can understand that you and I are different people without different views without having to agree with you or come around to your way of thinking.

If you're one of the people for whom meeting and keeping a partner is easy but social interaction and friendship is difficult, how and in what setting did you meet your partner? Did it start out as a friendship, or obviously immediately romantic? How did you get to talk to them if that's not something you would normally do?

I was in my late teens and out for drinks with my cousins, and met my now DH at the pub he was working at, after he'd knocked off for the night. A combination of dutch courage and him being gorgeous made me come onto him embarrassingly blatantly, and we talked all evening and exchanged numbers (but he refused to go home with me as I'd been drinking). Our relationship definitely began as romantic/sexual, but two decades later, we're best friends.

I was always very awkward and wary of making friendships due to bullying and ostracism, but great at hooking up (usually when drinking) due to a combination of deep sexual trauma and poor boundaries resulting from that. I lucked out stumbling across my DH.

Of course I get that. But a lot of Mumsnet threads are about people interrogating the differences between different people and trying to figure out what is behind them and what makes people tick. I'm interested in this topic, partly for social reasons, partly because of my own experience.

It's a discussion board: that's literally the purpose of it. I can understand that you and I are different people without different views without having to agree with you or come around to your way of thinking.

@MustUseAName

Perhaps consider being kinder to those you see on the outside of the group. Those of us who are awkwardly hanging there, trying to join in. (Although I must say that you don’t come over as being very nice or kind in this post so perhaps I wouldn’t want to be friends with you anyway.)

Respectfully, I think you are misunderstanding me. I'm not the kind of person who excludes people who are reserved or shy or isolated, sometimes I gravitate towards people like this. I'm definitely not "nice" but I think nice is overrated anyway. If you don't want to be my friend I'm fine with that.

I just find it very incongruous and strange that so many people who have built an intimate relationship with a significant other find it very hard to make friendships.

I've been told endlessly on here that they are two completely different beasts but at heart I think they are (or should be) the same. I'm clearly not going to win some people over though.

I've found it an interesting thread, but then I also find it difficult to understand how people who find social interaction and friendships very difficult in the first place ever get to the point of meeting partners, and particularly how they navigate those early stages of whether there's a romantic interest or not if they find social cues difficult to read.

Someone up thread did mention that everyone she knew over the age of 35 had met their partner online, so they could bypass much of the initial social setting stages. And others seem to have met when young when people are more naturally spending a lot of time in group settings (school, college, university) where even if they find social aspects of life hard they still spend a lot of time in that setting so meeting someone becomes much more likely. But this can't be the case for everyone, and particularly for anyone older and who didn't meet a partner at school/college how did they do it later in life if they find navigating social interaction so difficult.

If you're one of the people for whom meeting and keeping a partner is easy but social interaction and friendship is difficult, how and in what setting did you meet your partner? Did it start out as a friendship, or obviously immediately romantic? How did you get to talk to them if that's not something you would normally do?

I guess if it was a long time ago men were much less hesitant about approaching women, and now it's a lot different, even for older generations.

I've had several romantic relationships and these were easier to find when younger, but then when they don't work out and as you get older it gets much harder to meet a partner. I share OPs experience of trying to figure out what someone is actually looking for more difficult and involves a level of vulnerability that doesn't come into friendships or social connections for me. I don't find making friends inherently difficult, although it is harder as you get older, especially if you move around etc and depends a lot on putting conscious effort into meeting like-minded people. But it's lower stakes for me in the way that romantic relationships are not.

One thing that maybe is significant is the drive to have children and maybe that overrides socially awkward people's problems with social interaction. I've never wanted children so possibly an unconscious urgency to meet (and keep) a partner wasn't there, even though I've had several long-term partners since my teenage years.

I don’t think having managed to find a partner means someone should therefore find it easy to make friends.

I’m pretty sociable. I can walk into a room and talk to people quite happily. That’s completely different from meeting people I actually want to form friendships with.

I’ve done the standard “join something!” advice. I tried the WI for a while and found it incredibly cliquey and, frankly, mind-numbingly dull. There seemed to be an awful lot of conversation about kitchen renovations, cruises and various forms of competitive domesticity. If you weren’t making your own knickers, knitting your own knitwear or baking sufficient cake to supply a small market town, I wasn’t entirely sure what we were supposed to talk about.

At the time I was self-employed, so I’d sometimes be sitting there thinking that not only was I bored, I could actually be at home earning money instead. I was effectively paying to hear about somebody’s new kitchen.

Needless to say, I did not emerge with a collection of new best friends. But that wasn’t because I was incapable of talking to people or forming relationships. I just hadn’t met anyone there I particularly wanted a relationship with.

I think that’s what gets missed in these conversations. “Join a club” solves the problem of not being physically near other humans. It doesn’t solve compatibility.
We completely understand this with romantic relationships. Nobody says “there are twenty single men in this room, pick one; you’ve no excuse now.” We accept that attraction, humour, values, personality and chemistry matter. Yet with friendship there’s sometimes this odd assumption that any collection of age-appropriate adults should be able to manufacture meaningful relationships if they make enough effort.

And finding one partner at some point doesn’t prove you’re generally good at creating relationships from scratch anyway.

Sometimes circumstances bring two compatible people together and it develops naturally. Adult friendship can actually be more ambiguous because there’s no established script for getting from “person I quite like” to “person I text on Tuesday because I fancy going for a drink”.

So when someone says they struggle to make friends despite having a partner, I don’t find that remotely contradictory. Being able to connect deeply with the right person and being able to generate friendships from whichever humans happen to be locally available are completely different skills and circumstances.

I don't see this, tbh.

The "clearer social script" isn't always there in dating by any means: lots of people meet partners through work or other friends. Lots of relationships grow out of what had been friendships, it can be very ambiguous. It's not like you're following a set protocol.

Sexual attraction, yes obviously that's a different element although again you can have friendships which morph into relationships.

Total monogamous commitment is a difference but if you're meeting a friend (as opposed to a partner) why should the lack of monogamous commitment be a disadvantage? Surely it makes things easier and more relaxed, not harder?

If I know I'm meeting someone who is sizing me up as a potential life partner I'm going to be much more nervous than if I'm meeting someone for a coffee who I may or may not see again.

The first is much higher stakes than the second, surely?

Maybe I am ND: I've never been diagnosed (and I'm not going to get around to it now so we'll probably never know) but it's perfectly possible. I don't think intense focus is necessarily only the preserve of the neurodiverse, though.

I also don't agree, as stated multiple times, that making friends and romantic success are completely different processes. There are differences, but at heart, both are built on intimate relationships and I still think if you can build one you can build the other.

@OtterlyAstounding

I think your inability to understand that people can be different is possibly the real problem here.

I completely understand that people are different. I just want to understand why.

I’m one of those women who you’re targeting in this post. I use “targeting”, as it does feel like that.

I’ve always had trouble making lasting friendships. I’m friendly with people but it’s situation specific and when the situation changes, I find those friendships difficult to maintain.

My husband made the effort at the beginning and we clicked. Fortunately, it’s stuck. I don’t know why that worked and friends haven’t lasted.

I try to make friends. I do invite people for coffee. I try to speak to people at work, and at groups. I accept invitations. It very rarely develops past an awkward few minutes of chat. I don’t know what to say to people. I show interest, ask questions and get no return. I’m fairly certain that I’m must be unlikeable, beyond surface interaction. I don’t know why.

It has always seemed like everyone else has the key to this magical world of friends and I don’t. Fortunately, my husband seems to like me.

Perhaps consider being kinder to those you see on the outside of the group. Those of us who are awkwardly hanging there, trying to join in. (Although I must say that you don’t come over as being very nice or kind in this post so perhaps I wouldn’t want to be friends with you anyway.)

@OtterlyAstounding

Well, as I said, romantic relationships and platonic friendships are entirely different beasts, with different rules, structures, expectations, and rewards. One can be good at attaining one, and not the other.

I just completely disagree with this, sorry. You can't have a good romantic relationship without an underpinning friendship.

And I don't agree that the "rules, structures, expectations and rewards" are different.

One involves sex and (usually) monogamy and can involve children, and the other doesn't. But the foundation of the relationship should be the same.

Maybe I am ND: I've never been diagnosed (and I'm not going to get around to it now so we'll probably never know) but it's perfectly possible. I don't think intense focus is necessarily only the preserve of the neurodiverse, though.

I also don't agree, as stated multiple times, that making friends and romantic success are completely different processes. There are differences, but at heart, both are built on intimate relationships and I still think if you can build one you can build the other.

Not to my knowledge, no. Why?

I am always curious about who benefits from this ‘society’ that people talk about.

Do we all have to force ourselves out there in order to create a society for others?