AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

Respectfully, this is a generalisation :

the cost to you of opting out of social interactions altogether is going to be much much higher in the long-term than the occasional cost of keeping them ticking along.

It may be for you and it may be for some people but don’t speak for others. Opting out of social interactions can be a positive thing for someone.

It's stuff like this

I just completely disagree with this, sorry. You can't have a good romantic relationship without an underpinning friendship.

Thats such an absolute statement, like you're treating it as a fact, when it's not. You couldn't have a romantic relationship that didn't include friendship. To be honest neither could I. But people can and do. People on this thread have told you that they do.

My Grandparents had a wonderful relationship. They were together 60 years, they loved the bones off each other. They were so affectionate with each other, raised 5 kids successfully, had what I presume was a healthy sex life given the fact my Aunt accidentally walked in on them at it on the sofa when they were in their 70's.

But I never once saw them have a conversation with each other that wasn't logistical. They were both good conversationalists, could happily chat to others for hours, but they just had absolutely no interests in common with each other. No friendship would have survived that, to be friends with someone you need to have something to talk to them about. Apparently, thats not actually required in a romantic relationship. They didn't do chatting, they danced. They met while dancing, and so thats what they kept doing.

Its an interesting question and I would agree with OP that you would think it would be easier to make friends.

From my (male) perspective, I think women treat one another horribly and I think this is perhaps something to do with why friends can actually be tricky.

My jaw frequently drops reading about how women treat each other one here.

There was a hen night thread recently where the accommodation fell through and people were out of pocket. Instead of coming to some adult resolution together, about reimbursing people or whatever, the last I heard was that the bride and MOH had secretly bought the silence of one guest with a partial refund, but the other guests were to get nothing and were to be kept in the dark over this secret payment.

Apparently the bride didn't want any ill feeling before the wedding and seemingly the best way she thought this could be ensured was by screwing over her friends who had given time and money to come to her hen night.

Just absolutely jaw dropping stuff. I can well imagine men being angry over losing money in an accommodation mix up, but they would "have it out" and then forget it by the time the first round of drinks arrived.

Men can sometimes 'lose touch' with friends, but very rarely fall out. If they don't like each other, they simply don't take anything to do with one another. In contrast, women seem to delight in being 'faux friends' with people they don't like, purely so they can make each others life a misery. Go figure. You often see threads where women wake up one morning to discover their friendship group is suddenly treating them like a pariah, for no apparent reason. I mean, WTF?

As to why this is? Feminism has tried to mould modern women to be extremely self centred. The idea of putting others first, or even considering them at all, just doesn't seem to figure, many women seem to just think of themselves and only themselves. In contrast, women were traditionally seen as considerate and selfless. This change is surely connected with the friends issue. (Of course you get selfish men too, but it seems this mostly affects their partners rather than their friends).

I think you are misunderstanding the type of interaction the researchers mean
It doesnt only refer to friendships but also the nod/ wave to a neighbour, morning to the shopkeeper, a smile to the dog walker you see daily
People who are truly isolated dont have this not people who arent leaping to make friends with everyone

What worries me is the people who keep headphones on all the time

Finding a partner has a relatively clear “social script.” If you’re interested in someone, you ask them out. Dating sites have even clearer procedures for identifying and contacting potential partners. It’s considered normal to talk with someone you’re dating about the status of the relationship, and there are definable stages. You’re dating, or dating exclusively, or living together, or engaged, or married.

Friendship is so much more ambiguous. Is someone really your friend, or are they just being nice? There’s no point at which you establish that you are in fact friends with someone. Seeking out friends when you don’t have any can make you look weird and desperate; in contrast, seeking out a potential partner when you don’t have one just makes you look single.

That’s not my intention and I apologise if that’s what is coming across.

@StandingDeskDisco

But it HAS cost me something (if I were in this hypothetical scenario). Apart from the time and money, it has cost me emotional energy. This is not to be taken lightly.
This is the fundamental difference between introverts and extroverts.
Extroverts gain 'energy' from social interactions. They come away from a social encounter feeling refreshed and vitalised.
Introverts lose 'energy' in social interactions. No matter how much they enjoy the encounter and value the person, they come away feeling tired and a bit drained and needing some time alone to recharge.
So for an introvert, every casual coffee with a potential friend has a cost. And that is before you add any social anxiety or masking or emotional investment.

Respectfully, I disagree with the introverts v extroverts framing of this. I understand that introverts find this more socially draining, I have introvert tendencies. But it's part of life. It's no more draining than it would be to listen to a boring relative to keep the peace.

Also you have to think of the big picture: the cost to you of opting out of social interactions altogether is going to be much much higher in the long-term than the occasional cost of keeping them ticking along.

That’s not my intention and I apologise if that’s what is coming across.

I’m one of those women who you’re targeting in this post. I use “targeting”, as it does feel like that.

I’ve always had trouble making lasting friendships. I’m friendly with people but it’s situation specific and when the situation changes, I find those friendships difficult to maintain.

My husband made the effort at the beginning and we clicked. Fortunately, it’s stuck. I don’t know why that worked and friends haven’t lasted.

I try to make friends. I do invite people for coffee. I try to speak to people at work, and at groups. I accept invitations. It very rarely develops past an awkward few minutes of chat. I don’t know what to say to people. I show interest, ask questions and get no return. I’m fairly certain that I’m must be unlikeable, beyond surface interaction. I don’t know why.

It has always seemed like everyone else has the key to this magical world of friends and I don’t. Fortunately, my husband seems to like me.

Perhaps consider being kinder to those you see on the outside of the group. Those of us who are awkwardly hanging there, trying to join in. (Although I must say that you don’t come over as being very nice or kind in this post so perhaps I wouldn’t want to be friends with you anyway.)

Absolutely that. People like you, OP, clearly have some natural ability that enables you to know what to say, when. To know when your friendship overtures are welcome and when they're not. To know where you fit and and and where you are in a new friend or acquaintance's priorities. To not come across as needy, or standoffish, because you just have that knack that people like me do not.

You don't have to sit and overthink whether you should ask if someone wants a coffee, or how to do it the right way, or if that's going to be welcome or whether the other party is inwardly rolling their eyes.

I totally understand that you're asking this question for good reasons, @Thepeopleversuswork , but because it comes so naturally to you, you seem to not be able to understand (and occasionally you don't respect) our posts. Saying 'but why don't/can't you be like me?' isn't particularly empathetic.

I would love to have your skills

So yes, finding a partner means you only have to go through the sussing out what to do and say, and where you sit in their lives thing, once. Negotiating multiple potential and established friendship stuff needs your skills pretty much every day

Because living without people is not beneficial either to the health of the individual or to wider society.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly (possibly you) to tell me you'd prefer not to have to deal with people.

But there is a huge amount of evidence that this is bad for your health. It also doesn't work as a model for the whole of society. You may not think you care about society (as per your other post), but if everyone opts out of society, the social contract breaks down.

There has to be some give and take in the fabric of society, whether you like it or not: some social interaction is built into this. You can choose to opt out of this if you want to, that's your right. But you can't seriously tell me it's beneficial for people to be constantly seeking to minimise social interaction.

On the anxiety point: no one is saying people should force themselves to be 'always on' or to go to social events which make their blood run cold. Not everyone has to be an extrovert. But the longer you opt out of social interaction, the more anxious you will become. Minimising friction in your social environment won't cure your anxiety, it will make it worse.

Because living without people is not beneficial either to the health of the individual or to wider society.

I'm sure someone will be along shortly (possibly you) to tell me you'd prefer not to have to deal with people.

But there is a huge amount of evidence that this is bad for your health. It also doesn't work as a model for the whole of society. You may not think you care about society (as per your other post), but if everyone opts out of society, the social contract breaks down.

There has to be some give and take in the fabric of society, whether you like it or not: some social interaction is built into this. You can choose to opt out of this if you want to, that's your right. But you can't seriously tell me it's beneficial for people to be constantly seeking to minimise social interaction.

On the anxiety point: no one is saying people should force themselves to be 'always on' or to go to social events which make their blood run cold. Not everyone has to be an extrovert. But the longer you opt out of social interaction, the more anxious you will become. Minimising friction in your social environment won't cure your anxiety, it will make it worse.

Of course I get that. But a lot of Mumsnet threads are about people interrogating the differences between different people and trying to figure out what is behind them and what makes people tick. I'm interested in this topic, partly for social reasons, partly because of my own experience.

It's a discussion board: that's literally the purpose of it. I can understand that you and I are different people without different views without having to agree with you or come around to your way of thinking.

No not single (well not married, I am in a live in LTR).

It seems to me there’s a lot of pre-empting of rejection, and people who don’t want to try to make friends because they assume no-one will want to be friends with them. Easier to cut to the chase and not bother.

Rejection is unavoidable. Some people will reject you, for a variety of reasons. Others might surprise you.

It took me two years to make “mum” friends and even now we’re not best mates; we’re just friendly, have a chat if we cross paths, and have a group night out occasionally (that all mums are invited to). I really had to put myself out of my comfort zone to do it.

I think my relationship with my partner is so much easier to navigate, we love each other, we are committed to each other, we are each other's priorities along with our children and I know exactly how he feels about me.

I value my friendships and am open to making more, but it's much more complex to work out where I fit in, my friends have their own families and partnerships and other friends and friendship groups.