AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

Doesn't work.

It's the same question my main abuser has asked me many times, "but you're a person".
Also, my mum, best friend and brother also say they hate people. They have also been through a heck of a lot of trauma in their lives. I have nightmares to this day about things people did to me as a child. I have been dis trusting of everyone since a child. I haven't been able to achieve anything much due to severe depression, social anxiety, severe low self esteem and zero confidence from abuse, so if you still can't understand why I don't like people, well, I don't know what else to say really

I think you need therapy.

I am sorry you have been abused so badly, but strangers on the net can't be expected to know that. Obviously we are ignorant of your life.

I mean, this is a little silly. Obviously people don't get annoyed by themselves the way they do by others, they aren't wary of themselves, or vulnerable to themselves, or infuriating to themselves, etc.

But to give an analogy, I'd guess it's probably similar to the way you can't tickle yourself. Or the way hearing yourself chewing doesn't drive you crazy, but hearing other people do it can.

How is it ignorant? Genuinely?

You say you hate people and yet you are also a person who is choosing to interact with other people on this website.

I don’t think it’s “ignorant” to wonder about the kind of contradiction

Ffs not superior but I've been abused, bullied, beaten up, raped, you name it so of course I hate people!!

But you ARE people.

So what makes you so superior?

Absolute classic response. Ignorant

This kind of reply is exactly why I hate people

I assume you can't stand yourself, then?

What makes you so different

What, everybody? You are also 'people', I assume.

Happier at home away from people. Can't stand them

It does seem to be quite common! Much more than I realised. And thank you - it definitely has! ❤

I suppose I found it easier because (to me at least) there is a clear roadmap on what a romantic relationship is. I knew what red flags to avoid and what I wanted the future to be like.

In friendships I ended up giving up, I often would realise that my time/money/help only ever went one way, and when I was on the rare occasion in need of help, that the friendships would suddenly go quiet. It was easier to spot behaviour that I shouldn't pit up with in a romantic relationship.

Perhaps I might be more likely to attract users rather than friends because of my social abilities.

Thanks for your response, I appreciate it! Meeting someone young and staying together seems to be quite common.

So sorry you were bullied and experienced sexual trauma - I hope life has got better for you since those years

I have social anxiety and find talking to people I don’t know well really stressful. However I always knew having a husband and children was something I really wanted, and in the end I was more anxious about the idea of that never happening than I was about having to date and talk to people to make it happen. It was stressful but I knew that I had to do it or I wouldn’t have the life that I wanted. I was lucky enough to find someone who is perfect for me after just a couple of dates, and after a few weeks with him I got to know him and became very comfortable with him. We’ve been together for 10 years and have two children. I probably could make friends if I was absolutely determined to like I was with finding a relationship, but I feel I can manage fine without them so it doesn’t really seem worth the stress. Plus I am very busy with two young children now so I don’t really have the headspace to really focus on making friends, which I would have to do because it’s very difficult for me.

I haven't encountered many autistic women. And the ones that I have known to have autism were just not compatible (heavily into trans righst activism or just more socially 'able' than me).

I think what you are missing @Thepeopleversuswork is that everyone has their own needs, wants, feelings, responsibilities and social bandwidth and this is variable daily, weekly, monthly and throughout life
This is not an X vsY = xyz issue

Honestly someone saying or intimating they dont have the bandwidth for new friendships is incredibly responsible and honest imho
Its maturity to be able to accept this without the whole " why meee" drama
Most of the people I politely sidestepped then showed up exactly as I expected and confirmed my instincts were correct

I can only speak for myself, but personally I never found making or receiving romantic overtures to be daunting. I can understand why others do, but I just didn't feel that way.
I was blunt and up-front in my interactions, and followed the script in my head that seemed to make sense - and men seemed to appreciate that and respond well to it. Forming new friendships (I already had a handful from school; fellow misfits), however, was a whole different kettle of fish. There was no end goal to work towards, and no script that appeared to work, just a lot of time and effort for ambiguous results and often little enjoyment on my part, as well as the risk of rejection and social ostracism.

What if its fuck all to do with whether women are making the correct efforts and sacrifices and jumping through particular hoops, and rather more to do with things like shifts to working from home, moves away from multi storey buildings, terraced housing, zero hours contracts, childcare being funded while time off for raising one's own children isn't funded, inheritance tax, house prices, the collapse of 'the village', a move to more urban environments, an ageing population and immigration, etc. There are so many factors to consider. Looking only at whether women are acting in the 'right way' on an individual level is myopic.

We know you don't understand it. It's perfectly obvious that you don't.

But you continue to post as though you think that the rest of us are wrong. We're not, we're just telling you how it is for us.

You have the wonderful advantage of being naturally able to navigate social situations, whether romantic or in friendships. To you there's no difference, because you don't even have to think about it. You just 'get' people and can read them without needing to try.

Those of us who do have to try, have completely different social experiences, and for us there's a clear difference between getting to know a potential partner, and negotiating all the many people that we come across every day, who might or might not want us in their friendship circle.

But also this can change, many times over a lifetime, depending on so many circs and factors.

A person can at some point despair at being rubbish at romance, at others, feel isolated due to geography, or poverty, or Covid, others, have lots of friends and feel overflowing with social energy, othertimes be happy to be solitary, othertimes be desperate for solitude but unable to find it, others ... well, you get the picture. It varies so hugely. And we all have different wants and needs and hopes and problems.

One thing I think is missing from OP's assertions is consideration of the larger social factors and frameworks. Economics, for a start. That's enormous, and that has changed a lot over past few generations. Work, money, costs.

Focussing all the problems and all the issues within individuals somewhat ironically really misses out what OP claims to be concerned with, namely, how we relate to each other and wider society.

That intense period of sexual attraction rarely lasts more than 18 months to 2 years, tops.

Again, you're taking something that's true for you, and stating it as a fact about everyone.

Edit: Actually, I missed the "rarely" there. You've left yourself a little bit of wiggle room on that one 😄