AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

I read these threads with my jaw dropping. Paragraphs of how lonely they are, then mention of a DH and DC. Well i know you can be lonely in a relationship, but it's very different to the loneliness of being entirely alone. As someone whose DH died quite young believe me. Most of my friends are still in couples and their weekends are reserved for family and partner time. So their friends have to be squeezed around the margins at their convenience and are not a priority. I need more single friends lol.

I’m a bit like this too: I am naturally suspicious of raging extroverts and people who are super “nice” (the former usually are very insecure and the latter manipulative).

But you can think you know how to read people and get them wrong!

Hmmm... unless they are a raging arsehole or start stalking/harassing you I can't see what you lose from being civil to someone and making a bit of basic, friendly conversation/oiling the wheels.

You don't have to spend all your time with someone or live in their pocket but isn't it better to give people the benefit of the doubt in social situations?

I work in an industry where I am required to be fake nice to people all the time (some of whom are proper, grade A arseholes) so I'm used to turning this on but I think as a general principle it's good social insurance not to go around pissing people off until they've earned it.

I've definitely had an instant positive or negative vibe from people but I don't necessarily always trust my first impressions: sometimes I meet people and am initially dazzled by them but grow to perceive their shortcomings over time. Very charismatic or clever people in particular can seduce people by being socially gifted and then turn out to be a bit hollow and self-obsessed.

Conversely sometimes very apparently quiet and withdrawn people can turn out to have a deep confidence which doesn't come across initially. It's very possible to misread people.

Also you can fall into the trap of thinking that if someone has similar interests or behaviours to you that you'll be compatible but life is much more complex than that.

Obviously I'm not going to invest time on someone if I get a really bad feeling from them, but I know from experience it pays to keep an open mind.

I’m not sure I agree with this either: sometimes you do “click” with people but sometimes it takes a while to get them.

When I first met one of my oldest friends (at school) I initially found her very chilly and repressed and it took several years to get to know her. Some people are naturally easy to be around and others are much more guarded so they don’t show their true self for a while.

I do think basic social skills are your friend here: you won’t click with everyone but you never know when there’s more to someone than meets the eye and if you maintain an openness to them you are enabling something deeper to develop but you don’t lose anything if it doesn’t.

I’m not sure I agree with this either: sometimes you do “click” with people but sometimes it takes a while to get them.

When I first met one of my oldest friends (at school) I initially found her very chilly and repressed and it took several years to get to know her. Some people are naturally easy to be around and others are much more guarded so they don’t show their true self for a while.

I do think basic social skills are your friend here: you won’t click with everyone but you never know when there’s more to someone than meets the eye and if you maintain an openness to them you are enabling something deeper to develop but you don’t lose anything if it doesn’t.

I have occasionally pointed this out when it’s situational: for example I have a friend who was in a long abusive relationship and I did point out that her at the time that boyfriend was deliberately excluding her friends and it was affecting her confidence.

The self awareness point is very true but you have to tread carefully with this as its quite difficult to be told that you push people away with your behaviour or manner and a lot of people will shoot the messenger. I have done this with very close friends but it sometimes takes a while for them to accept it.

I know ND people sometimes don’t prioritise being social: I think there is also a factor with not reading social cues but the people who get very upset about not having friends are not usually ND in my experience, they are people who are socially anxious and isolated and lacking in skills and over invest in the early stages with the burgeoning friendships they do make and scare people off.

I don’t think this is true. Certainly not always. Friendship is also about opportunity and geography. Evidence shows that most friends come from people you see very regularly (school run etc) and things gradually progress. There is a rarely a friendship ‘coup de foudre’ with a woman you are in a lift with for example

With decent people, being a good friend is effortless.

Do you point out about the ‘social muscle’ to people with friendship issues? Because if it’s the case then they may not be aware.

If people want friends and can’t make them then it’s clearly something about them that people don’t click with. But it’s often lack of self awareness.

And yes I have pointed that out to people.

The point with ND people is not always that they struggle. It can be that they don’t prioritise socialisation. It’s very freeing, to be honest

Thanks. I completely agree about “practice” and what I call the “social muscle”. It is a use it or lose it thing and it’s cumulative in that the more experience you accrue of friendship and being socially active the more comfortable you are likely to be with it.

This is why I speculated that people who settle down young may tend to find this harder because they have just done it less and have generally met a more limited group of social contacts.

I have also moved around a fair bit and moved between different social groups over the years and while I often get drained by social contact (I am not a natural extrovert) I don’t find it inherently difficult, and don’t feel daunted by the prospect of talking to or getting to know people. Its a skill that atrophies if you don’t use it, like language or physical fitness and the more variety you have in your life and the more you can talk about, the more you will feel you have to “offer” people.

Obviously some people naturally find this easier than others: not everyone is charismatic or confident and its much harder if you are neurodiverse, but I do think to some extent you can learn to be good with people and you certainly can learn how to be a better friend.

Thanks. I completely agree about “practice” and what I call the “social muscle”. It is a use it or lose it thing and it’s cumulative in that the more experience you accrue of friendship and being socially active the more comfortable you are likely to be with it.

This is why I speculated that people who settle down young may tend to find this harder because they have just done it less and have generally met a more limited group of social contacts.

I have also moved around a fair bit and moved between different social groups over the years and while I often get drained by social contact (I am not a natural extrovert) I don’t find it inherently difficult, and don’t feel daunted by the prospect of talking to or getting to know people. Its a skill that atrophies if you don’t use it, like language or physical fitness and the more variety you have in your life and the more you can talk about, the more you will feel you have to “offer” people.

Obviously some people naturally find this easier than others: not everyone is charismatic or confident and its much harder if you are neurodiverse, but I do think to some extent you can learn to be good with people and you certainly can learn how to be a better friend.

Maybe. Its still interesting and useful to try to unpack this I think.

Better understanding. Which to some extent I have got.

I understand more about people’s experience of friendship versus relationships. I understand that many people find romantic relationships easier than friendship.

The perspective that some people have, that a romantic relationship is easy and a friendship is hard, doesn’t make sense to me emotionally or rationally at
all and doesn’t resonate with my experience but I accept that a lot if people experience life like this.

Thats the beauty of a discussion board I guess.

@Thepeopleversuswork Apologies, I haven't read the full thread, but didn't see the obvious answer on the first page.

It's because, if a woman is reasonably looking, there will be men interested in her even if she has no social skills whatsoever, and the men will do the chasing.

I speak as someone in this position - I am not sociable, I'm taciturn and boring, can't chat, joke, make or keep friends, but inspite of this, over the years men have tried to pursue relationships with me. To be frank, this put me right off them, but I can well imagine that there are women who are only a little "socially anxious" who would be very happy to experience romance and maybe even blossom with the attention and so end up with a partner but no friends.

I'm much more confused when someone says they (or their child) are autistic but are "very sociable" and have a "large group of friends". That does not make any sense to me whatsoever.

If it's ignorance, then some professionals are equally ignorant, since some of them say the same thing.