AIBU to want our baby’s first Christmas at home instead?

Since our daughters were born (now 4 and 2), we have spent Christmas Day at home just us. We go to in-laws on Christmas Eve and my parents on Boxing Day (a tradition we had already started before we had kids, and spent Christmas day separately with our respective families)

I'm sure there's disappointment, particularly from my parents...but this is how we want to do things for our family right now, we've been clear and they've accepted that.

Tbh Christmases haven't been the same anyway as one year my husband had the flu, and two years ago one kid had a vomiting bug 🤦🏻‍♀️ so between that and naps etc, we were glad to not feel the pressure of traipsing out anywhere or cancelling on the big meal last minute!

We always have Christmas with just us and DC. It’s fantastic.

You might have moans and hassle explaining it in year 1 but once that’s done it becomes custom and practice and is easier to navigate in future years. DC is now 5 and it wouldn’t cross anybody’s mind that we would do anything other than have Christmas on our own.

This is what we did when the children were younger. We did it every second year as the other years my mum came to us.

my child’s first Christmas entailed us running between families with a 3 week old baby. It was a disaster and I vowed not to do it again. We had to do 2 car runs with the amount of gifts our baby got. They were 3 weeks old and slept through it all!

Have a quiet day at home.

You could invite both sets of grandparents over for afternoon tea from 3 - 4 pm. to exchange gifts.

You’re an adult, you get to choose what you want to do, nobody can make you go to hers. Just say ‘We’re staying at home’ on repeat. You don’t need to explain/justify.

I think you should have Christmas wherever you like, but don't make your argument about the baby.

Your mother has accused you of 'weaponising the baby'. Don't you think there might be some truth in that? The 'first Christmas' will mean nothing to the baby except being another cosy day with loving people. So citing the baby in this conflict is an assertion of your needs.

Your mother's accusation is also itself a form of weaponisation of the baby. She, too, is using the baby as a front for asserting her needs.

Leave the child out of it. The very worst way to set up an lifetime of happy Christmases for a child is to generate ways in which they start to feel that they are somehow to blame for (or at least at the centre of) family tensions

Sounds to me like you do have plans. Staying home. Stick to them.

Your Mum can label your decision anything she wants, it shouldn't change what you do though. She is trying to emotionally blackmail you and gaslight you with the whole I am not the sort to get drunk. You should have filmed her.

Have Christmas at home with your Dh and baby. You can see your parents at any other point, it just won't be Christmas day and I say this as someone who travels every Christmas day because when I get to my sister's house it is welcoming and fun.

You are a grown woman, you can make your own decisions, your Mum doesn't have that sort of say in your life anymore as you are not a child.

‘I’m sorry you feel that way. Wanting to celebrate baby’s first Christmas at home with me and dh is not weaponising baby, its parenting.’
or, if you want to go to the pil.
’im sorry you feel that way. I’m not weaponising my baby, I’m protecting her first Christmas by not going somewhere I’m going to be criticised. We will be at the pil. Happy to meet up on the 23rd or 26th December, but dh and I will leave if you’re either drunk or nasty.’
do what you want.

Definitely have it at home. We do my family Xmas eve, Xmas alone, husbands family boxing day. Its perfect! Christmas day is very chilled, we sometimes stay in pj's!!

You haven't weaponised your baby, you've made plans to spend Christmas the way you want, not the way your mum wants. So you do have something better to do. Your mum is manipulating you, to get her own way.

What the worst she can do ?stop speaking to you?sounds like a win.

Haven't seen my dm since 2012....

This first year is setting a precedent for the future. You spent last year with her, so without baby would you be spending this year with in-law? Either way, what you do this year is important. If you go to in-laws then next you will be obligated to go to hers and so on.

i would tell both parents that this year is the start of your family traditions. If you want to have it alone the 3 of you then do that.

my son and DIL spend Christmas at home, and Christmas Eve with her mum and Boxing Day with me, they have done that for the last 8 years We’re all happy with that, though deep down yes I would like them to come here, couple of years ago they went to her mums for dinner and I was ok”ish about it didn’t say anything just smiled and wished them a nice time. The following year there was talk about them doing the same and DH stepped in and pointed out that if they were stopping Christmas alone, then it should be year about. So they came to us, quite honestly it caused so much upset with her mum it just wasn’t worth it, this year I’ve booked a family cottage with everyone coming I’ve extending the invitation to son and DIL and her mum and brother but don’t know yet if they are coming, ooohhh the drama of Christmas 🙄

That's so difficult. Is getting drunk a Christmas thing or more regular? I was wondering if your brother or Sil would support your decision to stay away.

If she's a difficult person in general it sounds like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Stay away - you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

The fact that she said you were “weaponising” the baby rather than acknowledging that it should be about whatever is best for the baby and new parents says it all. I can see why Christmas was shit with her, she sounds incredibly selfish

Ahh cross posted. In that case I’d probably be direct ‘no mum, you really upset me last year and I don’t want to risk that again so we won’t be there this year, and I won’t be discussing it further’.

To be fair though I’m old and perimenopausal and find it far easier to be direct these days, a few years back I’d have found it much more difficult to do - but I still think it’s the right thing.

Then just remember that the boundary is something you do - your boundary is that you’re not going, full stop, she’s probably going to rant on and push against that boundary but you don’t have to move it. And you can set another one and end any conversations where she’s calling you ridiculous or refusing to take no for an answer ‘sorry mum, I’m not going to keep talking about this so I’ll say bye for now’ etc.

“Hey mum, thanks for the invite but we will pass this year. Maybe next year?”

Well your baby wont remember her first christmas but tbh I dont know why you go to your mums for christmas at all if she's horrible to you. I wouldnt stand for it.

Grandmother here! My son, DIL and I have a fab relationship, but since they had their daughter I have told them to ALWAYS do what they want at Christmas. We would like to see them at some point, and would like to give her her present in person, but otherwise, crack on.

We had NIGHTMARE Christmases with MIL when ours were small, I wouldn't inflict that on anyone.

So set the scene now 'Christmas Day is going to be just about us, we will call in and see you on x day instead.' Then you are set for future years.

Incidentally, we found brunch on Christmas Eve or whenever worked best for everyone - nap times worked with that, too.

Just do it, your mum can say what she wants you don’t have to change your mind because of it. ‘Thanks mum, but we’ll be having a quiet one at home’, ‘I’m sorry you’re disappointed, this is what we’ve decided’, ‘as I’ve already said, we’re having a quiet one at home just us this year, so did you hear about Sandra’s new job’ (insert subject change of choice).

How much of why you had an awful time last year was her fault/ your parents fault in general and how much was just circumstances. If she/ they did anything actively to upset or hurt you I think it’s ok to raise that ‘listen I hear you’d like us to be there for baby’s first Christmas, but as you know from last year the drinking makes me uncomfortable so we’re going to stick to our plans and see you all another day’

If it’s just that you don’t like the way she does the turkey or that they have the heating too high I’d be a bit less direct but still stick to my guns.

Do you not want to see them ever, or just at Christmas?

In that case, you are absolutely not being unreasonable not to want to spend Christmas with your mum.

Start your own Christmas traditions by spending Christmas Day at home with your husband and baby.

Your mum can't treat you like shit while smarming up to your brother and SIL and still expect you to turn up dutifully on Christmas Day. Let her reap what she has sown.

But you have made plans - to have Christmas at home, just the three of you. Instead of saying you haven't decided, tell her that.

Did you point this out to her, or have you just said you haven't made plans for this year yet? Does she know that she behaved like that, or did your brother notice?

I wouldn't go, but I'd make sure she knows why.

Just say you have got plans, you’re staying home. Just please yourself OP.