AIBU to want our baby’s first Christmas at home instead?

Christmas at my parents house was always quite stressful - my mother was always a bit angry - she hated Christmas - too much to do.

So I gladly decided that we would have Christmas at home with our kids - it was a good excuse never to go to my parent's house for Christmas again.

We could all relax, our kids could make a mess and we could eat what we liked, when we liked and finish the day with a smile on our faces. It's definitely a my wee family day - although recently we've been inviting waif's and strays but that's a whole other dynamic now the kids have grown up.

@Wasthecheese YADNBU. I know they are currently very little but trust me your child doesn't want to have to see you treated as an emotional punchbag by their extended family.

My dad was the loveliest man but he came from an incredibly toxic family, who were dreadful to him. I think he kept putting himself and us through it in the hope that one day it would get better. It didn't and having to watch him get picked on as a child and not have the power to do anything about it hurts my soul even now.

You owe these people nothing so please give your child and yourself a safe and healthy environment to enjoy Christmas in.

Once we had DC we stayed at home. Others could visit if they wanted to see us but Christmas Day was just for us.

I’ve also never been a fan of “our little family” at Christmas - its always been about family in the greater sense. However that doesn’t have to mean everything and everyone on Christmas day itself, especially as families expand. It is a 12 day festival - it can be a good time to spread the visits and visitors back and forth across a holiday period rather than one extremely intense day.

@Wasthecheese nip any form of “getting in first” in the bud, its not a playground game of first dibs. Decide what you would ideally do, work out how that fits in with wider family. Maybe its a good year to visit the iLs and save on the cooking, maybe its easier to have them to you. Maybe just have some other friends around. If you work out what you both actually want, its easier then to plan any other visits. If goldenchild dominates Christmas day, you might visit or have DM on Boxing day or the weekend after/before. Or not at all if its really unpleasant.

Is golden child’ baby also golden baby?

Babies aren't communal property to be shared "fairly". What you and DH want as the parents trumps what anyone else wants.

Surely getting to decide how to spend your baby's first Christmas is the reward you get for 9 months of pregnancy, giving birth, sleepless nights etc. etc.?

Just say you will be having Christmas at home from now on. What’s she going to do about it?

Same! Do it OP.

OP, this is the perfect time for new traditions.
There is no way I would bring a baby near that.
The childhood Christmases are so few and precious.
Your baby will feel the tension.

If anyone’s weaponising anything it’s your Mum.

Tell her you’re staying home full stop. Don’t engage further about it, it’s your life/baby - choose you.

I’d stay at home with just the three of you as last year was so awful. Could you have your parents and brother to yours on Christmas Eve for a mince pie and presents, you guys on your own on Christmas Day and then in-laws round for a mince pie on Boxing Day? She can’t moan then that your in-laws are getting to see the baby and they aren’t.

Christmas with babies and small children at someone else's house is just a pain in the arse compared to staying at home. Everyone is different but personally I'm a believer in Christmas being about wider family though and the only time we had it 'just our little family' (because of COVID) it felt a bit flat tbh.

My only caution is that 'baby's first Christmas' can be a massive anticlimax so don't build the magic up in your head too much. Unless they are literally about to turn 1 they will have zero idea what is going on. My eldest had conjunctivitis over his first Christmas and my youngest wasn't interested in anything except trying to eat the tree lights during his.

You need to stand firm, OP. It's so hard, but if you buckle now, all you'll teach her is that with enough pressure, you will give in. So then the next time you try to stand up for yourself, she'll push even more.

I had a similar experience with a bulldozer mother 4 years ago when I had my first baby. There was tears and drama, but having Christmas day with my boys was lovely. I actually had a friend over too as her family are abroad, so the argument was extra spicy.

We are now at a point where we do things with her in the lead up to Christmas (this year is a train experience) to spend festive time together, but Christmas day itself is just our little unit. We sometimes drive up her house too. But this didn't come over night.

Totally agree with this.

Your mom is creating drama, she wants everything her way. She is controlling.

Let her sulk if she doesn't get her way.

You are not weaponising the baby.
You can go and visit on another day, you just don't want to go on Christmas day.

Tell her you’re not having your baby around an alcoholic grandmother who runs around after her golden child son to get at her daughter.

It sounds like she wants you to have unhappy Christmas at hers so that you don’t get to enjoy Christmas at home with your baby.

I think a lot of people change to Christmas at home when they have children. We had years of alternating and then just said we want to be at home on Christmas Day. We’ll always travel to different family around Christmas but I much prefer being able to sort presents and relax in my own home.

What did your parents do at xmas when you were growing up? My MIL never went to her own parents or her in-laws for xmas, so when she tried to guilt us into spending it with her i politely pointed out that they had had their turn doing xmas at home with their kids and now it was ours. We see everyone either side of xmas but always have a lovely day at home doing exactly what we want. (we do invite her but she never accepts).

I would tell her now that you will not be coming to Christmas at her house and why.

Does she behave like she did last Christmas on a regularly basis? Because if so, think about future special occasions and whether you want her there, around your child and spoiling special occasions for them. My own mum behaved badly when I was growing up (picking pointless fights mainly) and ruined so many birthdays, christmases, etc. I gave her 2 chances in the end when I became a mother, early on before my eldest could really remember and she fucked it up each time. Now she doesn’t get invited to things. She knows why.

Even the invitation to attend turns into stress and a row

No that really stands out. If that’s already stressful don’t go. You say you don’t have plans but you need to reframe that in your mind. You do have plans, you want a family Christmas just the three of you. So you plan that, those are your plans and you stick to them. You don’t have to feel guilty about that it’s not punishing her it’s starting your own family traditions how you see fit.

Your mother has to realise the consequences of her behaviour towards you. It seems that she behaved badly towards you last Christmas and has not taken ownership of that in any way whatsoever. She sounds controlling and like someone who is used to getting her own way.

Do not go OP, have the Christmas that YOU want with your lovely little family. Time to set some boundaries. Let your mother enjoy hosting her ‘golden’ child and give her a chance to reflect on why you have declined the invitation this year.

You have 2 separate issues.
Babies 1st Christmas and horrid parents.

Babies 1st Christmas happens only once so is not a long-term issue. We also spent it just the 3 of us.

Horrid parents is a long-term issue. Just because they are your parents does not mean they have any control over you. You do not have to like or love them. You do not need to see or speak to them. If they only bring negativity into your life then go low contact.

Tell them Christmas is not up for discussion or debate. Repeat the same phrase every time they mention it.

Make sure you and DH are on the same page.

Stay at home create your own traditions. Also say hey mum we have decided to stay home this year. But have a drink for me...... :)

YANBU. 💯
I had similar and my mother was head strong.
My husband ended up putting his foot down and asked why my mum didn't have her mother over (my nan) if it was all about family at christmas? 🤔

He was correct. She didn't like it.
I loved my mum, but she would bulldoze through everything and never admit fault.

DH told my mum, and said we are now a little family and will pursue OUR own traditions OUR way. Tough.

You have the christmas that YOU and your DH want. No one else. 🎄
P.s. congratulations on your baby 🫂
@Wasthecheese

You don't want to have Christmas with your mother because she gets drunk and is unpleasant to you. It's nothing to do with you now having a baby.

Your mother wants a picture postcard Christmas with her new grandchild there so she can tell her all her friends. She has no interest in you actually being there. Your child won't care either.

I'd personally just refuse to go and think very hard about how much contact you want your child to have with her.

I've said this before but start as you mean to go on Op or you'll be having this argument every year. Why have years of miserable Christmases when you can be happy at home