AIBU to want our baby’s first Christmas at home instead?

As soon as we had our first, we had Christmas day at home. Pj's all day, no visitors, no visits. We eat dinner and the kids go straight back to playing. Parents can visit on boxing day. I think it's cruel to give kids loads of toys then take them away from them, or insist they sit down for a formal meal for hours on end when they're so excited to play together.

FOG stands for Fear, Obligation and Guilt 🙏🏻 and yes, that's what's making this difficult for OP.

It's exactly this.
Not about the baby at all.
All about her being able to tell people that both her children put her as a priority.

Reads to me as if you need counselling.
You are in FOG.
Fog, obligation and grief.
You are conditioned by your mother to put her above everything else, or else she verbally abuses you.

Please do not expose your baby to this toxicity out of fear.

Time to back away and go very low contact, blocking her if necessary.

You were there last year so there should be no expectation that you would be going every year.

Simply say you are doing something different this year and repeat.

Yous said a few times you fancy staying home with your partner and child. Do that. That's what you want.

We had similar where my Mum moaned, fussed over my brother, my sister and hubby put their feet up and me and DH were left looking after the kids in too small a space with too many people and dogs. Then we traveled to SIL to see IL family and we were exhausted and it was really late when we ate as they had their lunch at 2 and we'd had ours at 12. We were really late home and I realised I didn't enjoy the day at all. We stay home now alone and see them all over the week of Christmas. That works for us.

You can choose what works for you and let them know. Have a lovely Christmas x

Doesn't Christmas cause problems.. :-(

I spent my baby's first Christmas with my parents. It was a disaster; having a baby had highlighted all the problems in our relationship, and we ended up having a massive row. Stay home, I wished I had x

Yes, a baby's first Christmas is a special time, but it is only significant for you and your partner. A baby has no concept of what is going on and won't appreciate their routines being upset to appease your mum. You should spend your first Christmas with your little family in a way which works best and will be most enjoyable for all of you, nobody should be brow-beating you into carting a small baby around the place on Christmas Day so all of their adult relatives can get a piece of the action, your baby is not a photo prop.
Our little girl will be nearly two this Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas and we had a lovely time last year as, while she wasn't old enough to really know what was going on, she enjoyed the food, decorations and unwrapping presents! We did spend the day at my in-laws, but we live very close to them, get on extremely well and our little one is always at their house so it is like home from home for her, she has a full set of baby things there, high chair, toys, books, clothes, bath, etc. so her routine wasn't changed in any way to fit around Christmas traditions. Something makes me think your MIL would not be as considerate of your baby's needs!

You're the mum now, and it's your responsibility to look after the interests of your own little family. If you know you'd all be happier, and have a much better time at home, just the three of you, then that's what you do. No one else has any right to get upset or angry with you for that, so if they choose to be, that's 100% on them - leave them to it.

Just say it’s just three at home, and suggest days to see them. end of discussion . You don’t owe her.

Prioritise you new family - your partner and baby, and don’t feel bad about that. You have a right to set your own agenda now for your family. Your mum is trying to guilt trip you. Set a clear boundary with her, and maybe distance yourselves a bit.

Well you mother sounds insufferable but at the end of the day you are an adult with autonomy. Make the choice that works best for you and stick to it. Otherwise you will be subjecting yourself to years and years of emotional manipulation and blackmail.

So sorry OP. I got ahead of this by saying to my mother a couple of weeks ago, "by the way we're going to stay at home for Christmas this year -- baby will still be too tiny to travel far and I will still be recovering". She was clearly put out about it but couldn't argue with that really.

I made it very clear from the start that Father Christmas visits our house, and our house only, and we won't be visiting anyone. We have visitors on Christmas Eve, and on Boxing Day, but just be firm and set your boundaries now otherwise you'll have a miserable time and you'll be going every year forever more! There's no way I'm taking my DD away from all her new stuff on Christmas Day!

Just say no. Explanations or excuses are not needed. Be strong. You are a mother first now (not just a bullied daughter) and your child/family comes first. Especially when your mother sounds like such a manipulative horror.

We did DDs first Christmas at my in laws and it was awful (it was their turn). I drove, admittedly it was only an hour away but still. My in laws are an 'old' family - very small and my DH is the youngest member so it was a very adulty Christmas that DD was expected to fit into. I did not enjoy it.

Ever since then Christmas has been at my house. Anyone is welcome, at any point during the day, I will provide food and beverages but I'm not getting in my car.

We go to DHs family on boxing day now and have 2nd Christmas which my DDs love.

Just say this

"Actually you're right mum, it's not actually about the baby. The baby won't remember where it spent it's first few Christmas'. I just find Christmas Day a bit overwhelming, with the expectations attached to it, so DH and I have decided to spend this year at home, and I'm looking forward to it. I don't want to fall out over this, it's just what we think is best for us as a family."

Whatever she writes back with, don't engage.

If your mum lives nearby, you can add "we'd be happy to call over in the morning to give our presents, and you can get some photos with the grandkids". Best to call over in the morning if your Mum's a drinker. You'll have your turkey on in the oven, so it'll definitely be an hour max in the house before you have to go. If DH's parents also live nearby you can say "we'll call over to DH's parents later in the day to do the same".

I wouldn't go to DH's parents for the full day if you could avoid it. If you're breaking the apron strings on Christmas Day (something that's difficult to do) I think preferring your DH's parents would add an extra argument to the mix.

Once you get one Christmas separate from your family, it's much easier to do it again. Stay strong!

We have been married 30 years and have spent every single Christmas day at home. Our parents complained at first but soon got used to it!

Agree, DS's first Christmas was just the three of us at home 🎄

You’ve made the right decision. It’s tiring to repeat yourself but just stick to it and don’t change even if it gets awkward.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Establish your boundaries now. We did Christmas Eve with one set of parents and Boxing Day with the other. Christmas Day was just us, from day one. The first year my in laws 'dropped in' as they were so excited (!) but mainly to check if I secretly had my parents there. I just knew they would and had canapes and chilled champagne ready for them. They never did it again. You and you family are not playthings. It's a take it or leave it for your mum. Your other choice is alternating years with parents BUT why put yourself through it, and later when there are toys at home kids wont want to go and it just gets harder.

You’re not unreasonable to want xmas with just your little family. I’d just do it. She will be dramatic about it but if you let her steamroll you in to doing what she wants then you’ll be doing it forever more. Also babies need naps and feeding and get fussy. Its far better to be in your own home

Just the fact your mum is accusing you of weaponising your baby is enough reason to stay away.
You can't change people, just the way you react to them so do exactly what you want to do. Why don't you and hubby start it this year - every single Xmas will be just the three of you and you will see them near the holiday? And don't budge!