To think a lot of people in school mum cliques, are actually thinking, how the fuck do I get out of this ….

Where did I say that?

Right?! I’m running around like the proverbial fly today. I have loads to do today.

So if you're not socially awkward, you 'lead' a clique? Ok

I’m amazed at people claiming there is no such thing as cliques or that they are an urban myth or it is all made up by socially awkward people looking for excuses. I can only assume that those most vocally opposed to the concept are the leaders of their school gate cliques and either don’t recognise that in themselves or are using it as a way of making themselves feel superior.
in answer to your question OP, I would be really sad to think that people are putting up socially with people they can’t stand but I think it probably does happen for fear of their child being ousted from the school cliques.

People on here are literally obsessed with women’s friend ship groups formed in schools, it’s insane,

Good point. I think there is a lot of sexism and internalised misogyny about it. Women gossiping, women are bitches, women can't get along together etc. I used to work for a construction company, mostly men, but the legal team were all women and people used to say things like we were gossiping, a gaggle of hens, giggling etc when we got together in the canteen (one of the male directors made a comment about gossiping when we were actually talking about an important work issue and my boss tore a strip off him).

But why would you assume that the other people doing the school run would be any more given to ‘banal chit chat and gossip’ than you are, or that they don’t have jobs?

I'm sure I would have felt like that had I ever been in a clique but I wasn't. I avoided contact with other mothers as far as possible, I did know a couple quite well who are still friends.

I was a working mother with my own life and friends, couldn't be bothered with banal chit chat and gossip.

Not all of us have 9-5 jobs. I work shifts. So plenty of time to chat with my friends on days off.

This was me. I never understand the school gate angst. When do they get the time?

@ShutteredUp

Agreed. But it’s an urban myth that suits some people who struggle socially as a narrative that allows them to put the blame for that on a group of other people in a specific setting. I think that’s really what’s going on here.

In reality, deciding that ‘school mums’ are unfriendly, and given to ‘cliques’ and power play, makes about as much sense as declaring that accountants are unfriendly, or that people who take the 58 bus are ‘cliquish’.

Totally. It's people with social anxiety who struggle to manage it in a healthy way and seek to identify sinister reasons why they haven't assimilated with other groups of parents. Nine times out of ten when you drill into the specifics of what has actually happened it boils down to people saying "she looked at me funny" or "she didn't return my text" or "they went for coffee and didn't invite me". Paranoid and self-absorbed.

And in the rare cases when someone is actually being excluded it's not that hard to walk away from it either. You just take yourself off and find other people to talk to. No one is entitled to be friends with everyone on the school run.

I've said this a million times on here before but I think its usually driven by people who expect to make friends with other school mums as a perk of having kids at school and then become very angry and upset when it turns out some of the other mums already know one another.

It's really worrying that so many people raising children have such a paranoid mindset because they are passing this sort of suspicion onto their own kids.

I find it interesting that groups of male friends are never described as cliques.

This just seems like another way that women are criticised for perfectly normal and reasonable behaviour. Join in with the school mums and make friends? You’re in a clique and bullying/excluding the other mums! Be polite but distant? You’re bitchy and aloof!

FWIW I’m not aware of any cliques at all in the three schools my kids have attended.

Agreed. But it’s an urban myth that suits some people who struggle socially as a narrative that allows them to put the blame for that on a group of other people in a specific setting. I think that’s really what’s going on here.

In reality, deciding that ‘school mums’ are unfriendly, and given to ‘cliques’ and power play, makes about as much sense as declaring that accountants are unfriendly, or that people who take the 58 bus are ‘cliquish’.

I used to be in a clique - we went for endless nights out, weekends away. I'd never known cliques growing up - I had really nice friends. When we moved to a new area, I was so grateful that this group of very sociable mums was so friendly. It took a while to realise it was very bitchy and manipulative and 'us and them'. I got out and stayed out. I was amazed how many women I met over the years who said, 'You're not how i imagined at all. I thought you were one of the bitchy set.' It works both ways - people avoid you if they think you are in a clique.

Yes, but pretty much everyone makes unwise friends during Freshers’ Week! I certainly did! But it’s because you’re very young, often away from home for the first time, beginning a new phase of your life, and there’s a fair bit of cultural pressure to be socialising and having fun. Trying to ditch the calamitous friends you made when drunk in your first 48 hours is pretty much a rite of passage.

None of which applies to school gate friendships.

I must be exceptionally lucky but I’ve never been involved in a friendship that I’ve not been able to get out of or even actively wanted to end. Yes, I’ve had had friendships drift and end naturally, which is totally normal.

As for “school gate cliques” - I roll my eyes everytime I read that kind of shit. A total urban myth.

It wasn't really an error in judgment, it was a proximity thing. I was 18 and a uni fresher and she was on my corridor when I had that experience but it changed me and in a way did me a massive favour because I never allowed it to happen again. I look back on it now and think why did I allow that to happen? But that's life, I find. I'm not ashamed to say I did once struggle with some of the things the OP is struggling with so I get where she is coming from in a way that perhaps many here don't.

Agree with everything you say. The friendship I was referring to in my own life was decades and decades ago and because of the circumstances I was in, I didn't feel that able to break out of it without causing a lot of drama - it was my first time living away from home and it certainly felt locked in at that time even if in real terms it wasn't. I look back on it now and think why on earth did I put up with that? But yes, you are right the answer was to "woman up" and I did eventually - I'm assuming this poster is younger than me and may struggle similarly but your answer and mine are similar in that we're both saying to step away.

School gates are just another place to make friends in life -work, college, hobbies etc - whats the difference? Its just people

My mum never got involved with the school, with mums or teachers. Me & my sister had loads of friends. I take the same approach now. I’ll chat if I’m there, but I’m not part of any mum gang. Same when DS was a baby, no classes. He made his own pals, since tiny…

Do you have incredibly poor judgement or something? I mean, I don’t think I’ve flung myself precipitately into a friendship with a virtual stranger, discovered I didn’t like them and had to find a way to get out of it since university Freshers’ Week when I was 17!

@Dependsoncontext

I'm sure we've all been there - well I certainly have just not at the school gate particularly - you make friends with someone and you're locked in for whatever reason and you realise they are a total nightmare.

You're not "locked in". You're not in jail or paying a mortgage.

You have to woman up and step away from them. It's part of being an adult and it's a good life lesson to your children that you can be on friendly terms with people without having to be sucked into their orbit.

If you feel you're "locked in" to being friends with a random you've met on the school run you need to work on your people pleasing tendencies. It's not as hard as you are making it.

I'm sure we've all been there - well I certainly have just not at the school gate particularly - you make friends with someone and you're locked in for whatever reason and you realise they are a total nightmare. Except at the school gate, it involves your child too so is doubly difficult as any decisions you make might impact them.

Only advice is to try edging away very quietly - be a little less available and develop friendships outside of the school parent group, say and share a little less, try to be less bothered etc. It can be tricky to edge away though if your group is dominated by one or two brittle characters but is essentially what many busy parents do naturally anyway as they aren't that available for coffees and catch ups.

It is paranoia. DS attended three primaries in two different countries. At the first, where he attended the longest, I seldom did drops and pick ups and wasn’t even on hello terms with the other parents. At the second, I had a nodding acquaintance with most other parents on the school run but seldom chatted much beyond that. At the third I made close friends. DS’s social life was pretty much identical in all three. I invited children he liked over for play dates, having arranged a weekly or fortnightly day when DH or I could leave work early, and he was always invited to birthday parties.

These threads always seem steeped in misogyny.

If other women are so awful why are you on Mumsnet?