AIBU to think sons discussing relationship problems with mums is different?

To be blunt. It depends on the Mother and the son. And their dynamics with you. For some, it may not be an issue. In my past relationship, it was, and I ended up leaving because I could not disagree with him without him going to his mum about it or calling her during arguments for 'backup' (his words). This was usually after he had pushed me to the point of a meltdown from weeks of his emotional abuse, so he could show her how 'unreasonable' I was being.

I agree.

There is a MASSIVE difference between 18 - 22 yr olds living in your home, obviously in the early stages of relationships, and 35 yr old men with their own home, dc (maybe), or family unit in whatever form that is, going back to Mum.

I also agree with everyone saying this is to do with the personality of the mother MiL and their ability to listen, and perhaps ask questions for their ds to think about themselves, rather than interfere.

But it does depend on what 'relationship advice' you are talking about. If I discovered my dh was discussing our sex life with anyone, let alone any of our parents, that would have been the end of our relationship.

It depends if he is being fair when he is describing their relationships troubles. My ex used to slag me off to his mum. He would only tell her his version of events and would completely vilify me to her, then as a result she would change her behaviour towards me. In the end I just stopped seeing her, which ex didnt like. He would make himself out to he the victim and she would enable his behaviour by justifying his actions (as she had only received 1 biased version of events). It was highly damaging. He ended up completely alone, because his mum was always manipulated by him and never made him face up to his own issues.

Don't mean to sound patronising, but have you considered that the women posting about this online actually do have a problematic MIL and not just the false perception?

Not saying it's all the time, but there is a common dynamic with mothers letting their sons off the hook, normally when the woman has a lot of internalised misogyny. My own mother is like this and would absolutely defend her sons if they committed crimes (can't say the same for her daughters, let alone DILs).

This doesn't seem to apply in your scenario, obviously, I'm just talking more generally about why women are wary of coddling MILs.

I agree with this, generally speaking. There are exceptions, of course, but I’d feel somewhat betrayed if my husband was sharing any of our relationship issues with his mum, and I’d not share with my mum either. With all that being said, I’m a grown arse woman with a husband, children, a home, a business… basically I’m not the same as your children op, who are barely adults, honestly! Some sage advice mightn’t go amiss when they’re still feeling their feet int he world of relationships!

I obviously don't know the threads you've read, but in general, what's perceived as problematic is grown, married men (not teens/YAs like yours) prioritising their relationship with their mother OVER their relationship with their wife. I think you're comparing apples and oranges.

God, don’t ask AI for advice!!

Men don’t tend to talk about relationship problems with anyone unless things are very bad. I’d try and keep your nose out tbh, I couldn’t think of anything worse than talking to my mum about problems with my partner. If she started prying I wouldn’t be impressed.

don’t do that please. When DS1 split with his girlfriend she threatened him, stalked him, broke in to his uni halls, warned other girls off him
he was suicidal, girls can abuse
on the flip side my DS2 was showing worrying signs of obsession and control of a girl who left him, he said ‘it worked for his dad with me ‘ 😭😭
I supported her, told him you can’t force love, did an online course with him targeted at this behaviour. He was self harming and lost all his friends, it was horrific. At 22 his life is amazing, he has a lovely, respectful, proportionate relationship with a girl I love

My sons have always talked to me about their relationships. I want them to have happy, healthy relationships with boundaries, something they never saw from witnessing their dad’s abuse of me.
I have supported them, but also had to give some tough love when needed

why on earth is the MIL going to ‘interfere’??

DS talks to me about his problems, including relationships. He doesn’t talk to DH, unless it’s about work. We all work in the same job, but DH is more senior and experienced than me, due to my caring responsibilities.

DDIL knows and doesn’t appear to mind. She talks to me about her problems too, including her relationship with DS, because she is from abroad and has no family in this country.

I try to see things from both sides.

It is perfectly okay to be their safe space. To advise them if they’re confused. My Dbro was close to my mother, DH is close to his, he could definitely confide in her.

I don't agree at all. You're supposed to be a team with your spouse. Telling your mum all the private business in the relationship is disloyal.

I see what you mean OP. Quite a few posters here have said they'd have an issue with their partner talking about relationship issues with their mum.

I am in the clan of thinking that it is very controlling to impose who your partner can talk or not talk about their psychological or emotional issues with.

Posters have said issues should be dealt within the relationship but sometimes it really helps to have a third party's perspective and to go to someone you trust to do so.

Now some mothers will show to be biased by principle or affection. If that's the case and the partner only goes by what their mother say, the issue is with them. On the same length, a partner who is overly concerned with their partner's discussing thing with others might be concerned that it will come to light that they are acting unreasonable.

My son comes to me for advice about everything. Work, friendship, relationship. I don't tell him anything, I ask for his perspective and if he asks mine, I tell him. It often involves pointing out what he could also do differently.

@Kippergodzillar i read your update where they all live in your home and that makes things tricky- I suppose they want to feel like adults while they aren’t able to truly be so (by not moving out). So even a minor opinion of yours to the gf would be magnified. It’s also hard to have boundaries as everyone is in the same (your) home and they have to be considerate of you.

Gosh, my DSs have talked to me about their relationships. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. I’m glad I was there for them.

I think the issue is that as their mum you're an authority figure in their lives. It's still in our culture that to an extent we are deferrant to our PILs- until they overstep obnoxiously.

Going to you to complain about her feels a bit like telling tales to the teacher. It's different to talking to a peer.

But also, it's what you talk about.

If DH told his friends I load the dishwasher wrong and proceeded to discuss to correct way to load a dishwasher, I wouldn't be in the least bit bothered. Light-hearted things that couples have non-serious squabbles about. I wouldn't hesitate to tell my mum that he recently put a red towel in with my daughter's school shirts and dyed them all pink.

If he shared he was unhappy with key aspects of our relationship, like for example if he said the division of labour was unfair and he was sick of being the only one to do the laundry and unload the dishwasher, instead of discussing the chores we were both responsible for and coming to a compromise with me, I'd be really hurt and feel like I'd been stabbed in the back.

I don't think the OP is being sexist. I thinks she's trying to navigate a culture of sexism where mothers of boys have been stereotyped as doting interfering busy bodies intent on usurping their DiL. Which tbf, if she's on MN a lot, she will have been extensively exposed to.
There is a marked difference between the attitudes shown on here to women's relationships with their mums and men's. No one bats an eye at a close mother daughter relationship, but a close mother and son one is seen with suspicion, with the mother painted in a poor light. I've seen people say that a son and mother having dinner together is 'icky' and 'like a date' and similar, many times.
OP clearly has clearly internalised this and is overcompensating.

I think you’re right OP. As the mother of 2 (still young) boys I hope that we’ll have a close relationship as they get older and they could ask me for advice.

However with the shoe on the other foot, I would not have been happy at all if DH discussed relationship problems with my (late) MIL… it would feel disloyal somehow. But that may have been something to do with personalities.. she would have used it as ammunition. I suppose if you are tactful and don’t let it alter your relationship with DILs then it would be okay.

I think it is more expected that young women might talk about things with their sisters and mums. However I do have a male relative that isn’t happy that his GF tells her mum everything.

So maybe everyone is happy to be the listener and no-one wants their relationship talked about 🤷🏻‍♀️

What are the minor things?

I get what you are exploring completely OP.

I'm a mum of DD and DS and would like both to come to me with any issues, relationship or otherwise.

On the flip side, I'd hate my DH speaking to his mum. Not sure why, I'd find it intrusive. I'm trying to think back to when I met and also think I wouldn't have liked it when we were a new couple.

Weird that I have double standards 🤷‍♂️ and my MIL is lovely, we get on great.