To find having 2 kids so hard?

Your post - and many of the replies - made me very sad.

My children are now in their late 20s so perhaps I am looking at their early years through rose-tinted glasses, but I remember that time as one of the happiest and least stressful ones in my life.

I was a SAHM for two years - went back when the oldest started primary school as it wasn’t worth paying for two lots of childcare (no government help with it in those days). I found being at home all day much less stressful than being at work.

I had a three hour commute to work every day and my children were “easy” with no special needs, so that will have a made a difference to how I viewed the relative attractions of being at home and working.

My children are 8 and 12 and a big part of my role is still being their entertainer and giving them fake wows. Playing games with them that I don’t really understand or get personal enjoyment from, or pretending to be excited about things that I don’t really understand. That part of parenting doesn’t ever stop OP.

I now just entertain them by spending hours looking through football sticker books with them, playing football with them in the garden, playing “hide the Lego pieces” and playing “Mecca Chameleon” in the living room with bits of coloured paper for God knows how long (don’t ask). I have to give the fake wows when they’re enthusiastically telling endlessly about their latest achievements on the latest PS5 game and how many mutants they’ve killed and Roblox points they’ve won, rather than how many blocks they’ve piled on top of each other.

I also still spend a lot of my time picking up after them.

Yes parenting is different as they go through different ages and it presents in different ways, but the core principle will always remain the same: usually putting their needs first, faking the enjoyment when some of it is really crap, and making sure they feel that they’re you’re priority by being present for them (even if it’s playing stupid games with them).

When I was young my mother had no real interest in me and my sister and left us to our own devices and we grew up knowing that she wasn’t that bothered and I have very few memories of her being actively involved and engaged in our lives. When my children grow up I want then to look back on their children snd be able able to give 101 examples of “remember when we did x,y and z” with mom etc - even if 50% of it was something that I was gritting my teeth through with a strained smile on my face 🤣

Every stage of their childhood is so fleeting and many phases of it are so, so hard and challenging (mine have certainly pushed mine to my limit) and the younger years can be very challenging so you have my sympathy. Yet other people find the younger years the most challenging.

I loved the younger years (3.5 year age gap) and as my eldest is now approaching the teenage years I wonder where the time went. It just disappeared before my eyes. What I have found is that when the second baby came along I was so focused on their needs and them growing up (as they do require a high level of focus in those early years) my eldest seemed to grow up without me even realising it.

He’s now in Secondary school, the hormones and attitudes are setting in, he’s out with his friends all the time and although we are still very close I do yearn for the days where I felt like he was just mine. But at least I have the experiences of all the stupid games I had to make myself play, and the sometimes tiresome role of being his “entertainer” when all I wanted to do was have 10 minutes to myself, because now I am so grateful for those memories.

You probably are in the trenches OP - and there’s nothing wrong with that and it’s totally normal to find this phase overwhelming and I enjoyable. But as trite as it sounds, their childhood will fly by so sometimes you do have to “fake it until you make it”, grit your teeth and I hope a more enjoyable phase for you will come along soon.

(Congratulations on Baby number 2) xx

It’s a tough time for sure. What helped me was having something out of the house planned for every day. Not necessarily meeting other people, but just time somewhere different and preferably outside.

It does get easier, then the hormones hit and they become teens, so look forward to the sweet spot!

I think it’s to satisfy some maternal instincts.

Also unaware of how difficult it can be.

If I knew how hard it was, I don’t think I’d have done it. I’d certainly have stopped at one child.

Can you bring that date forward? Perhaps go back after Christmas?

You're in the trenches at the moment but it gets better as they grow up and play together more. Is your eldest at nursery? That was my lifesaver at the stage!

If you feel like you might be depressed, perhaps a visit to the gp? But as everyone else is saying, it’s a tough age and very normal. Once the second is older and can engage with the older one, it does generally improve as you can leave them to it (when not fighting!). Good luck

Don’t panic! You are in the hardest but. My first year with two is a blur. It was so so difficult. But got so much easier after a couple of years that I had another. They swallow your whole life at this stage but in a few months you will be able to have an evening out or and then time away from them for work and you’ll start to recognise yourself again. By the time the youngest is 4/5 it will be much calmer and more manageable.

100% this.

I only have one toddler but find it very challenging at times, and can't imagine having two.

It's so much easier going out. It's more work around it as you have to prepare everything, get them ready and leave the jobs in the house til you get back.

I do get quite anxious sometimes about everything I need to do in the house, it feels like endless work, especially if you can't afford a cleaner. Sometimes when he naps I think I am going to do XYZ but then I just collapse.

You have to lower standards and just do the basics.

I don't think either of us could stand being at home all day. When we're out and about, that's when I can actually enjoy my child - he's happier too.

Different stages come with Different challenges. As teens, my biggest issue now is that mine don't get on. Like, at all. The interaction between them has to be managed as a separate entity in its own right. I'm an sp so cant divide and conquer.

If I'm honest OP I found the younger years much easier, especially when their dad was still on hand. Most problems can be solved with glitter, a biscuit or 'oh look, squirrel'. Babies nap, can be put in playpen for a short time. Hang in there. Find what works for you.

I get where you’re coming from it’s so hard and mine are 8 months and 4 years. So school has stared, and my boy do I miss her in the day. It soon goes. But like others have said go out, take them out it’s the best way. It’s so hard sometimes. I’ve had so many breakdowns this year. It’s awful. But I promise the bad makes up for the good. But I genuinely enjoy being out and about and entertaining my kids. So maybe I’m in the minority

So why do people do it?

@Anuder As a single parent and getting them to school and collecting from childcare about 6, commuting 1 hour each way, then there was dinner homework bath and bed. After maternity leave with the second it's robotic. I remember it well. I also remember the guilt. I also loved my lunch breaks and the freedom it afforded.

They were so young and beautiful and we got through it. So will you
Congratulations on the baby 👶

Sorry I thought we were talking teenagers!
Either way the first few years seem never ending... middle part is the best and sorry teenagers are . .. well we all know they are Kevin and Perry

Depending where you are, couldn’t you just go out for the day.
I was never in because dc made such a mess it wasn’t worthwhile. I would load dc and ddog and a picnic (sandwiches, flask of coffee for me and juice/water etc) and anything else we might need and go take dog for a long walk in the countryside or after taking ddog for her normal walk (we are in London) we would go to the science museum or we would go for a walk round one of the parks/shopping mall, even drive out to the seaside for the day.

I remember those days as being incredibly fun. Never spent a huge amount as it was only travel Food and everything else was free.

Teenage years at this day and age is challenging for sure!
Enjoy and it will get better

Wait until they hit the teenage years. You will look back at this time fondly!

It horrific, gets a bit better, then horrific again.

I felt like this. Same age gap. I found the 3yr old so annoying and frustrating when I had them both on my own. It does get easier, or just just find ways of handling them both. I also found it boring/tedius and hated myself for thinking that but it’s true. I try and do more things I like with them both now eg yoga baking even getting them cleaning. Anything rather than trying to entertain them both

It’s really hard but does get a bit better in the not too distant future.
Mine are now 2&4 and have started playing together without me needing to be involved There’s still a lot of drudgery and some hard days but the ratio of enjoyable moments are definitely going up (especially now everyone sleeps through the night)

It’s their ages, things will get better.

It's so hard!! You've got this mama.

Massive hug 🫂 for you @wanderingwillows ❤️
You are really in the trenches and what you're feeling is completely valid. I only have one kid (3) and I remember finding the day-to-day grind of that first year utterly relentless. You're trying to do it all with a toddler in tow as well.
Do you have help from a partner or family? If you are feeling low, do try to reach out for support from either your loved ones or professional services and try not to suffer in silence.

It's super hard with 2 and can be incredibly boring at times. Going back to work at the end of mat leave saved my sanity. I love my babies more than anything but its exhausting!

Agree.

I’m baffled as to why so many women have kids. It’s like signing up to hardship for 20+ years.

Women should be more honest about how hard and dull it is and encouraged to get a dog if they need it for maternal reasons