This is the hand you’ve been dealt

It is true. Whilst what you say is correct, emotional neglect can and does alter the structure of the brain, neuro plasticity is life long. If you are aware of deficits you may possess as a result of emotional neglect you can actively work on and improve them. It’s always a choice.

It is true. You cannot change the past, but you can change your future.

You get to choose who you want to be.

You can fix anything, if you have the mindset
I'm sorry but that is not true.
Emotional neglecit as a child actually alters the structure of your brain and has a life long affect on behaviour .it literally brain damages a person. This is not just my opinion it is a fact.

But acceptance isn't forgiveness when someone has wronged you. You're not expected to forgive them, but you can "accept" the past and move on, just the same as if it wasn't a person who wronged you, but some random event, like an illness with no known causes etc. I havn't and won't "forgive" the bullies who made my teenage years utter hell, but I've accepted it happened, put it behind me, and tried my best to move forward (although hard because I've never been able to trust anyone ever since!!). Forgiving or not forgiving them won't make any difference so I don't give that aspect any headspace. I concentrate on trying my best to learn to trust people but also avoiding any potential bullying signs - i.e. moved from several jobs when the other staff/managers showed bullying behaviour so I got out before I suffered it.

It does kind of remind me of the Jeremy Kyle shows 'you bullied me at school and look at me now' where 25+ year olds confronted their childhood bully and showed them how rich /attractive/successful they were now.

Pretty much all of the bullies said 'I don't even remember you but I'm sorry I did that to you, I was awful'. There was no closure, the victims had made their whole lives about getting back at the bully and it just didn't land.

Acceptance is powerful if you let it be. I am the widow of an alcoholic. He put our family through so much. We have worked very hard to accept, let go and acknowledge that the good times were as real as the bad, and we are all better for it. At the same time however, you are allowed to put yourself first. Self care is not selfish, and you do not have to set yourself on fire to keep the people who have let you down warm.

Agreed. It's the counselling and identity culture.

I trained as a counsellor and did a short stint in a few other very deprived countries with a charity. Our focus had to be on acceptance and how to move on, there was no justice to be had and no future in ongoing victimhood. The UK was such a shock after that I quickly gave up.

Looking at friends and aquaintances some do just want someone to blame rather than to make the best of what they have. I am sympathetic but ultimately this is where you are so what can you do to make the best of it? (not UK counselling material!)

I wish you all strength.

I think you are partially correct.
I think we have to accept the facts of life. There are things in our lives that no-one has control of. Illness, disability, death are facts of life, we can't change it. We were born when we were born, there is no point in complaining about how much more difficult it is now to buy a house than it was then or how easy technology makes things today. We live in the time we do and we have no choice. This is where, I think, we have to accept the hand we were dealt and build from it.

I think when "acceptance" becomes more problematic is when a deliberate decision was made to damage you. I don't think it is as straightforward as to say it happened now move on. Because this was a deliberate choice. Yes, it happened, it can't be taken back but it was a choice. That's why acceptance would be problematic for me even if it would make life easier.

@Sartre

I tend to just get on with things because what choice do you really have? You could spend your days wallowing in self pity or get up and on with it.

Same here. Both DH and I had “issues” from our teenage years, both very different, but both have been affected throughout our adult lives in different ways. But we just got on with life, moving forward rather than constantly marking back. Throwing ourselves into our careers and hobbies/interests, and our relationship, helped us to put the past behind us to an extent. When we decided to have a child, we both worked for the same hymn sheet as to do things very differently to our own upbringings, we agreed never to play emotional blackmail with him, never to argue in front of him, never hold him back, encourage him to follow his dreams, and gave him life skills like resilience and confidence. Putting effort into not making mistakes with him really helped us, ie not repeating the cycle was actually therapeutic for our own historic issues!

You are not alone. This is exactly my experience and it is so very hard to come to terms with. Thank you for articulating, it's really helpful.

I just think some people are naturally more resilient than others, or at least they figure out how to bury trauma better. My parents are both crap in their own separate ways, in fact my entire family is pretty rubbish. I’ve lived alone and been independent since 16 and a mum since 17. I got a PhD, my DS is now 16 and doing 4 A levels after getting 8s and 9s in his GCSEs. I’m incredibly proud and have done a pretty good job with my life without my family.

I tend to just get on with things because what choice do you really have? You could spend your days wallowing in self pity or get up and on with it.

I think some people here don't understand how therapy works particularly for people who have suffered trauma (and that's a lot more people than you might think).

Therapy doesn't change what happened to you but what happened to you is rarely the problem.

The problem is how a baby or a tiny child interpreted what happened to them and the defence mechanisms/ patterns they put in place to deal with that overwhelming trauma.

I suffered neglect from a parent who wasn't evil but was incapable of any form of intimacy or empathy.
She would just ignore me or shout at me or scowl at me when I wanted to be picked up and comforted.
As a result of that I blamed myself and believes that I was bad/defective because a child can't blame the person it depends on to stay alive.

I will never be able to change the fact that my mother rejected me but I can change how I interpreted it.
As part of that process I need to see what a flawed person my mother was and rage against them as my baby self couldn't do.
Then I can integrate the self sabotage parts I created as a tiny child and then acceptance will follow.

This is Complex PTSD and it can take many, many years to work through the root cause of your issues.

Once you’re an adult you’re in charge of your life. You can’t spend your life blaming others for X, Y and Z.

You can fix anything, if you have the mindset you.

You need to take responsibility for your actions. Own your mistakes. Admit when you fucked up.

Using “oh but I wasn’t taught that” or “oh but I wasn’t brought up like that” or any other excuse does not wash.

People have choices, you can choose to be a good person or parent same as a bad one, there is no excuses just choices

I agree, I think seeing it as bad luck helps with not blaming yourself too. I had a series of very unfortunate events over the last few years (mum died from cancer-terrible gruelling death, then 18 mths later my father suddenly died, then my child was diagnosed with a disability, my marriage almost broke up and I got PTSD from an attempted sexual assault). Now, none of those things are my fault but it sure took a while not to be angry at the universe about it. Now that I have almost recovered from the shit storm I do find peace in acceptance. And letting go.

Such wise words OP, and PPs. It is indeed the hand you are dealt, you have to move on.

I’m in my 70’s now, and my normal family started with me. My mother only recently died. She did, on the brief occasions we crossed paths, witness the warmth in my family (between me and my husband, children and grandchildren). It was like watching a knife twist in her side, her resentment and hatred a joy to behold.

At her life’s end she came to realise how much she had lost….but it was too late by then.

Same here. My niece has had loads of counselling and is more obsessed than ever about shitty things she’s suffered. She can’t move on. The counsellors seem to spend the time raking over her issues time and time again rather than giving her coping strategies to help her move on and put things behind her. We have a neighbour who says the same about her daughter - been to a few different counsellors and they’ve all told her to write down her worries, her problems, etc., Which she’s now done several times but it doesn’t improve anything. I know that trying to forget and hiding things under the carpet is also bad in the long term, but there are ways of just accepting bad things happen, and finding ways to stop them ruining your future by coping strategies.

It’s definitely not helpful to ruminate over things you can’t change or control, if that’s what you mean. And helpful to remember that when we can’t change other people or events, we can still control our response.

Easier said than done though! I find it especially difficult to let go of things i perceive as injustices. I’m getting a lot better as I get older!

I absolutely agree with accepting the hand you’re dealt, and I think it would help lots of people if they did, rather than drag things up over and over in counselling. I’m sure counselling must help some, but I’ve known people more damaged by the process.

you use it as the perfect example of what not to do

Exactly this.

I had a not-great childhood with an abusive f and an exhausted downtrodden dm. I have taken pride in being unlike either of them. My ds has been raised in a warm loving supportive home where education is valued, and he has been given every advantage & opportunity. We are very close and he is a happy, kind, cheerful, well balanced young man.

I learnt from my dm that financial independence is absolutely essential. I escaped home, graduated from a poly in the 80s, established a career, worked abroad, have a clean decent home & car that I own outright, get on with my neighbours & siblings, have friends and a social life. Life is a pleasure most days.

I seldom think about them now. 🙂

I agree with your general point about accepting the hand you’ve been dealt. However I think it’s a cop out to say “my mum was terrible but it wasn’t her fault.” Many many people go through awful traumatic childhoods. But many of those people put in huge effort to break the cycle/improve their lot. I have no time for people who have kids, are terrible parents, and then put it down to their own upbringing when they’ve made absolutely no effort to change.

Oh yes. I had some terrible things happen to me. I had a miserable childhood and I was trafficked by a man I thought was my boyfriend in my 20s.

I had to make a choice- either get on with what's left as best I can and find happiness where it's available, or let the bad things sink me.

Took me a while to get there, and I won't ever be what I was, but life is still very beautiful.

Yes, of course some people get dealt a bad hand. Mine was fairly shite. But, you have two choices. You can decide that it has ruined your life and you’ll never recover, or you can use it as a perfect example of what not to do and who not to be. I struggled when I was young but as I got older I realised I had a perfect blueprint of what not to do and I reframed that as being almost as good as having a good example to follow. In any given situation I think about what my parents/step parents would do and I do the opposite. It works like a charm and it has made me a far better person and much happier as a result.