This is the hand you’ve been dealt

I have literally just finished listening to Shania. Twain's desert island discs and the amount of bad luck she has had illustrates your point. (Abusive father, neglectful ill mother, death of parents leaving her to raise her siblings, 10 year illness, husband ran off with her only friend) but her attitude sounds like she is accepting of her situation but males the most of every opportunity.
My mum had a very difficult childhood and was similar attitude (without the voice!) And managed to turn it around and at 80 now says eh had a blessed life (whereas on paper it is shite).

So eloquently put and so accurate. For me at least, when I realised my response was a choice, I felt I took back all the control that was taken from me.
When I was little and I didn’t have a choice in what the adults did, it felt hopeless. When I grew up, and realised I DID have a choice, and I could choose to not be like them and not let it ruin my life? Whole different ballgame.
Is it easy? Absolutely not. It is worth it? Absolutely yes.

As Kenny Rogers once said ‘every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser’
Your parents are responsible for the first 16-18 years of your life and after that it’s up to you imo

Yes, acceptance is a massive step in moving forward in life. I have ADHD. For decades (it wasn't diagnosed when I was young) I berated myself for being a failure, unable to complete simple tasks, constantly exhausted and overwhelmed by everyday things. Now I accept my limitations and work within them and have never been happier.

DS is autistic and has some noticable physical disabilities. In his teens he was certain this meant he'd never get a girlfriend, never be popular, never achieve his dreams. I made him list his dreams to me and decribe an ideal ordinary day. He's 24 now and literally all those dreams have come true - things he thought could never happen all have. His life turned around when he accepted his physical appearance, his autism and worked with them not against them.

I don't like the word damaged. I prefer injured. You can rehab and heal from injury.

I find it really quite hurtful when I read that people who had a lot of childhood trauma are damaged irreparably. I don't see myself as broken. I've worked hard to be better and function well and not let my parents' deficiencies cause my own.

Equally, I had a lot of my bowel removed six months ago. I focus on my rehab. Getting stronger. Feeling even better than I did before the surgery.

I like a challenge. Obviously things can be hard and sad but I have myself and I'll do everything I can for as long as I can because that's something I can control.

Your post is very close non striving in the meditation or even Buddhist sense. There's a lot to be said for accepting, committing to the new way, and moving forward without gritting your teeth.

I have a friend who is currently undergoing therapy right now, but rather than improve things, it seems to be keeping her stuck. She's forever looking for somebody to blame, to identify the reason for her unhappiness, but, truthfully, she's unhappy because she's bought into the idea that her life could've been different IF... the person she thinks she would have been if it wasn't for XYZ doesn't exist, never existed, and it seems to me that her biggest problem is that she thinks there's some external factor which can be fixed when, truthfully, she's stuck in the past and she can't let go of it because it's become, over time, her whole personality. I so want to tell her that, but I would hurt her if I did, so I nod, and try my best to just listen and accept, but, my god, she drains the life out of me. What annoys me most though is that, objectively, and in comparison to my own life, yes, hers was shitty, but it wasn't as shitty as mine, if we're keeping a tally, and yet, I'm in a different place to where she is, psychologically. I barely mention it. Not because I am ashamed, or wounded, or it's all too traumatic to bear, but because I rarely think about it.

I think the difference between us is simply that she has an external locus of control, whereas I am more internal. I can acknowledge that I am where I am because of choices I have made, or not made, and while I occasionally feel a little guilty or stupid or despondent about those choices I did or didn't make, I am ultimately responsible for those choices, and I did or didn't do what I thought was best at the time, in that moment, as the person I was then. Confronted with the same choices now, maybe I would do things differently, but that is impossible to know, isn't it?

Yes, we both scored highly on the 'adverse childhood experiences' checklist, but neither of us have been children for a very long time.

As somebody else said upthread... it is what it is. I don't want to carry all that shite around with me forever. It's not my shite to carry.

I think when we look outside of ourselves, for answers, support, acceptance, forgiveness, there's always a chance that what we receive isn't what we want, or need, and then we just add another name to the list of people to blame. The answers, support, acceptance, or forgiveness, has to come from within us, for ourselves, and that isn't always the easiest thing to do when there's so many people to blame. It's not a case of accepting responsibility for the past, but accepting responsibility for the future. It's up to you how, or if, you move forwards. Nobody can do it for you except you.

I agree that you cannot choose the hand you have been dealt, you just have to play the game with the cards you've been given. You still might not win. But if you don't play, you don't win either.

I can see this from both sides.
Agree it is better not to ruminate.
However a bad parent is something you have and will always mean you a void where love and care should have been. This loss is always a sad thing and I don't think, if it is your mum who hasn't loved you and has neglected you for example, you ever truly get over that x

I had a really shitty childhood which resulted in homelessness and other challenges that meant I could never get ahead as a young adult- which resulted in poor financial outcomes and some abusive relationships
I also had a child with additional needs and this has caused even more challenges.
Id be lying if I wasn’t pissed off sometimes that the girls I grew up with had loving parents, lovely homes and holidays and healthy kids. It can feel unfair but it is what it is and we move on.
BUT
I am so lucky in so many ways, I’m grateful for every little thing. I was lucky to get a beautiful little council home in a gorgeous area and to do a job I love. Home being simple, clean and safe is more than I ever had growing up and I never take that for granted. I’m lucky to have such resilience and to be able to see the bright side in most situations
i know too many people so eaten up with bitterness after a rough start that it completely overtakes their lives and they feel like the world owes them a favour- generally they live miserable lives.
The way I see it if my parents weren’t my parents, I wouldn’t be the me I am today. Life’s what you make it

This is 100% my philosophy too @NestaVipaz sometimes good people are dealt shitty cards. You cannot change the game you just play your cards. This philosophy has allowed me not to personalise really bad experiences and to keep moving forwards with hope for the future.

Just drags.

Exactly. Counselling justvdraes you back into your pain. Go and grab life while you can.

You can change your mindset but very often you can't change your circumstances. I am very old and went to university when it was free. I ended up at an upgraded poly doing a hospitality degree (which are a rarity now due to tuition fees) because I flunked my a-levels and it was all I could do. To be fair it made me, but had I not been emotionally and financially neglected by my parents, forced into being a young carer for my father instead of focusing on school, not been sexually abused by the next door neighbour when I was on my way home in my school lunch hour to feed said dying father and not fighting anorexia and bulimia that my mother refused to help me with because 'Oh Fox, haven't I got enough on with your father?' I may have gone to Durham or Oxbridge and done a proper degree that would have led to a much better career. The sodding government doesn't allow student finance to do a second degree so by the time I realised who I was and had 'changed my mindset', I was stuck. And I'm one of the lucky ones from my sort of background who didn't end up on a teenage mum or working bloody hard for the minimum wage.

If you've not been there, you cannot possibly understand how it feels to know that had you been put on a different path earlier in life, things would be so different now. I cannot possibly be who I want to be because the doors of opportunity have very firmly slammed closed behind me!

I tend to think I have very little control over things other than my own day to day actions. Other people being arseholes, people having more or less money than me, it's all kind of pointless dwelling on to an extent. As you can't change it.

I agree to a certain extent. But having worked in an area that worked with, but not as, social services and saw the serious emotional neglect and abuse of young children, it's easier said than done. Young children just want love and safety and when they don't get it they create survival and defence mechanisms that are very hard to change as an adult.

Just exactly who do you think.you are?

I'm actually angry that you who have never met me, know nothing about me or my life are telling me it's all my fault!

I'm not stupid - I am reasonably well educated and I'm a Mensa member - and I have had intervention from Medical professionals at intervals throughout my life. And importantly I know myself. And you have no right to sit in judgement of me.

I think you are right, and this reminds me of the bereavement curve. Acceptance of what has happened is a significant part of it. Once you accept rather than try to deny or rail against it you are on the path towards healing.

I think multiple feelings can exist at once. I accept that my son is disabled, I accept that my life and his life will always be hard but it's also bloody shit and I will always feel angry about it to a certain extent, I think that's perfectly normal to be honest.

You can change that. You have a negative mindset, and you think you’ve found “proof” you can’t change.

And while you have that negative mindset, you’re right, you can’t change. You’re stuck.

But you can change your mindset. And once you do, you can change.

Do you really think i haven't tried over the course of my life?
My issues were too complex for CBT to be effective. I was referred to a Clinical Psychologist and had regular meetings with her for almost 2 years. She was wonderful actually. And it was she who gave me my Autism diagnosis. But we terminated the meetings by mutual agreement because the damage done in my childhood , the subsequent traumatic events, the behaviour of my family, my Autism, all combined to mean there was nothing she could do to help me. I am very self aware and of course I do the best I can but I live with a big void inside myself and nothing can change that.

Also Gen X, so make of that what you will but whilst I understand your first two paragraphs, I think there also has to be recognition that some people submit too easily to their ‘bad hand’ and take on a victim status that is totally unhelpful.
Many of us were dealt bad hands, some a lot worse than others. Resilience is an important virtue and is worryingly under taught by parents. The ability to reframe your experiences and appreciate the resilience they have given you, and realising that life for everyone (with bad OR good hands) is a series of sliding doors is super important. Making (mostly) good choices is more important than any initial ‘hand’ you are dealt.