I just saw this poem-I will do this as a mother, but mine didn't, did yours?

I have grown up dds and I know that ‘special bond’ - it’s the absolute joy and privilege of my life.

But they also have one with my DH - he was the first one to hold my oldest when she was born - I can completely imagine him folding clothes and being hands on when (or if) we have GC.

It makes me feel slightly queasy when women pass on domesticity as a legacy like it’s still the 1950s. Special ‘knowing’ bond? Fine. Taking on the domestic burden? Absolutely not. I’ll help, but why is it considered ‘her’ burden in the first place? It’s a joint responsibilty and it shouldn’t be passed down to a grandmother just because she happens to be female.

I told my mum not to come for 2 weeks as I knew she’d just want me to wait on her hand and foot. As predicted she turned up 2 weeks later and did nothing. She never changed a nappy or babysat, ever. In the unlikely event of my DD having a baby, it’d be very different.

The book is called Paper Flowers-a hard read for those of us whose mums cause us sadness , but nice to know we’re not alone

Paper Flowers: poetry on the mother wound https://amzn.eu/d/0dn2HUmu

I’ve learnt exactly how I will help my daughters from my mother. And that is to do the opposite.

My mother did nothing. She got drunk and made me feel uncomfortable.

My MIL on the other hand flew halfway round the world, cooked, cleaned, looked after DS, DH and I.

My mum was very supportive, but sensitive about boundaries. Her own mum had moved in for a fortnight when I was born, completely took over and left mum deskilled when she went home. So that was my mum’s experience that she didn’t want to pass over to us. I wonder if something like that happened to your mum?

My mother did virtually nothing to help in the early years. Eventually had my DC one day a week after nursery / school for their tea, that was it.

I get that but where did I mention grandchildren

You're an equal grandparent but not a parent to the mother of your grandchildren. She is more likely to want her parents around to help her recover from giving birth than have you there (unless they are awful). Some grandparents forget there's a woman who has (metaphorically) been hit by a bus when there's a new grandchild. What the mother needs and wants in the first few weeks is the most important thing.

A lot of very sexist ideas here. Sadly being romantically passed on to the next generation.

The men in our family (inc the grandads) were troupers when it came to being in the trenches with young babies and children. And I enjoyed going through that with my DH - I married him and had a family with him - not my mother.

Eh?

Nope. My mum died when I was 18 so it was just me and OH & then he went back to work. Apart from PND, I coped fine. There wasn't really much to do. Dd was a very good baby & slept well. In laws helped a bit & my dad visited occasionally

I like that poem; particularly 'if' my daughter becomes a mother, not 'when'.

My mum was ‘kind’ but really quite useless with any actual physical help. I was also v worried about having loads of interference from my MIL so perhaps I also pushed everyone out a bit

The poem looks like the kind of thing your mother would post on social media.

Mine absolutely did and still does now child is 10.

That’s not the reason people have a problem with that being described as a poem, believe me.

My mum was pretty useless. She didn’t visit until DD was seven weeks old, and then she just sat on the sofa drinking tea. After dinner she made a big show of washing the pots, to “do her bit”.

DD was EBF and was awake a lot in the night. I was exhausted. At one point I remember going into the living room and mum was asleep on the sofa whilst DH was asleep in the armchair. I clattered around and woke them up, and announced that I was glad everyone was so well rested.

If my DCs do have kids, they will have as much help from me as they want.

My DM is the poster child for ADHD so she would've annoyed me more than be helpful ( be hours later than expected, very untidy, very scatterbrained, forget various items from her purse all over the place, dinner very late at night due to forgetting to cook). She did watch the other kids while I was in labour with no. 2 and 3.
MIL made a couple of meals so that was lovely. I'd take the lead from the new parents personally. DH and I appreciated space more than anything.

My mum came and stayed for 2 weeks for each baby, cooked and cleaned, looked after us all, did laundry.
She was unselfish and generous and loving and I appreciate it more and more as I get older.
I’m the age now she was when I had my first - I realise how much energy it took to do all of that and how much she loved me 😭😭😭

Blimey there are some snarky people about. I quite liked it OP.

Does that bond mean they have to be the ones cooking and cleaning? Aren’t there special bonds between any child and their parent.

I am adopted so my adoptive mum hadn’t had the experience of giving birth and all that brings so didn’t have that particular knowledge or experience to bring to the table. I had a bond to both my parents. Hopefully DS has too.

When we had DS, DH and I just mucked in together. Didn’t need other people to cook for us etc. DH and I would certainly be taking lead from DS and DIL before doing anything if there are any grandchildren

But your forgetting things change. Perhaps your mum didn’t know what advice to give now. I’m only 46 but within the space of me having my first 17 years ago I can already see things are different from how I did them. My mum wouldn’t have needed to sit in peace either but that’s probably because she had two elder ones and I can well imagine my mum pulling a face at someone saying this.

I had no help at all or even a visit as my mum didn’t drive. Didn’t impact me in the slightest and I don’t begrudge it.

Not sure it makes a difference which adult child the parent is related to if you are just expecting them to cook and clean for you