I’m early 50s and have reached a point where I honestly don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, or whether I've just finally had enough.
I have an older sister also in her 50s who has had serious problems for many years, including a long history of drug addiction. At one point things were extremely bad and there were frightening incidents involving drugs, drug dealers, my parents' house being damaged, aggression towards my mum, rehab repeatedly failing, financial problems etc.
My parents have always been very involved in trying to help her. They are now in their early 80s and my sister lives with them and relies on them heavily financially/emotionally. They have always been very protective of her and tend to rescue her when things go wrong.
I have spent years being dragged into this. When my parents went away I was often expected to keep an eye on my sister. I've picked her up, searched for her, worried about her, lent her money when there were drug-related problems, had her at my house etc. My Mum also constantly talks about her when I speak to her and she rings them when we do have time together without her. There have been so many incidents over the years that I feel emotionally exhausted by it all. Recently something in me just seemed to switch off. When I hear about another problem with my sister, rather than feeling compassion, I feel numb and angry and think, here we go again.
She is also completely unable to take any criticism or challenge without going off the deep end. This has caused problems in multiple jobs and she has been through a number of them as a result. She can also be extremely nasty towards my mum when she is angry, but then will often retell what happened to my dad in a way that makes her the victim, and my dad tends to believe her version of events.
This is one of the things I find particularly difficult. I feel as though my mum gets the brunt of her behaviour, while my dad is then brought into it and ends up thinking my mum - or sometimes me - is the problem. I have spent years watching this dynamic play out and trying to stay out of it, but increasingly I feel completely exhausted by it.
The latest situation is that I told my parents that | want a relationship with them that doesn't revolve around my sister. I don't want to discuss her problems anymore. I don't want to be involved in monitoring her, rescuing her or being expected to accommodate everything around her.
also said that if she comes to my house and behaves badly or starts an argument, I will ask her to leave. I am not saying she can never come to my house. I am saying that I won't tolerate being treated badly in my own home.
My parents reacted very badly. They said I was being unreasonable, asked why I had "started all this now?” and repeatedly suggested I have counselling. My mum has become noticeably colder with me. My dad is also very angry and I've barely spoken to him.
The strange thing is that I don't actually want to fall out with my parents. They are old, I love them, and I don't want to waste whatever time we have left.
But I don't think I can go back to how things were before, where I felt I had to tread on eggshells around my sister and constantly manage everyone's feelings.
But I am struggling with the fact that my parents are colder with me and seem to think I've caused a family breakdown.
I'm particularly interested in whether people think I'm being unfair to my parents, given their age, and whether I should be making more effort to repair things or whether I should just allow everyone to be unhappy with me