I want a relationship with my parents that doesn’t involve my sister - AIBU?

You need to make it very clear to them that you will not be taking her into your home or supporting her financially when they are gone.

This was my thought too. How difficult for them to wrap their heads around you NOT being there for your sister when they die. It must break their hearts

HOWEVER , I do not think that you SHOULD be there for your sister. No way. But for your parents to realise this is going to happen, must be devastating for them

On a side note.....have you considered what will happen to the house when your parents pass?

I am very sorry for you, OP. I have an older son, in his 20’s, who I will no longer allow to live with us as his problems (similar to your sister’s) had totally taken over, with DS2 being overlooked and fading into the background.
Now DS1 is living elsewhere, there is so much less drama and conflict; DS2 has really come out of his shell and spent much more time with us.
Please keep your distance from your sister for the sake of your own sanity. Your parents are too entrenched. Let them come to you and make contact with you now, while you have a breather from the toxic family dynamic.

I've seen this that explains the dynamic

www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/

I would reduce how often I see them. I would visit them so at least then you can leave when you want and not be stuck with an unwanted sister visitor. I would change the conversation if they start talking about your sister on the phone

In my family it's my mother that's the issue. She has always been abusive. I've noticed that no one wants to confront the problem person, they always start arguing amongst themselves and trying to put the blame on each other when one person no longer wants to go along with it

It is not unreasonable at all to want a relationship with your parents that doesn’t revolve around your sister… but unfortunately they all sound so enmeshed that it probably won’t go well. They would have to admit to themselves just how bad things are… it’s easier for them to imagine that you’re causing a problem.

This ^
I know it’s easier to say than to follow but it’s the only way considering their age. They wont accept your point of view now after all these years.

If you can organise time with your parents without your sister being there, go for it. If you make that time really enjoyable for them with things that might distract them from their problem with your sister they might start to welcome the break.

Maybe even say something like, as nothing is going to change the problem why not relax and have a break from it for a couple of hours. It will still be there when they get home. You could also say that if anyone was going to be able to resolve her problems it would have been them. There’s nothing you can do that they haven’t already tried. They might gradually realise that your sister is not your problem to fix and that they actually have another daughter who is a pleasure to be with rather than a third parent to your sister.

They are unlikely to stop venting about her straight away so perhaps when they do, try to focus on the numbness you now feel rather than the anger and grey rock them. Your anger is completely understandable but I think the only person it affects is you and it will eat away at you. That’s easy to say, I know. Maybe you can get some help from a support group for people who are affected by a family member’s addiction. Al Anon does this for alcoholism. They might be able to steer you to the right resource.

I've been in a very similar position OP. In my case, my parents' lives had revolved around my sibling's issues and wants for so long that the lost sight of what a normal family relationship looked like. There was also an underlying unspoken fear that if sibling faced any sort of difficulty, upset or stress they would return to drugs etc. Our parents would go to any lengths to try to prevent that and I was expected to do the same.

I think you are absolutely correct to try to put some boundaries in place now, and stick to them. I never fully addressed the situation with my family but for many years just distanced myself a bit. For me, things came to a head when DF died and DM became unwell. It's been made very clear that they all expected me and DH to take care of everything for Mum and also provide the same level of 'support' for sibling that our parents did. I won't even consider doing that, so we are having similar arguments to the ones you describe OP- but at a time when DM is very vulnerable. My advice to you, OP, is to stick to your boundaries. If your parents won't accept that it's not your fault and it will be better than facing the prospect of having similar arguments with one of them when they are alone and desperate for you to step in any become 'mother' to your sister.

I suspect that they are so used to this being their life that they just don't see how it could be possibly any different.

They probably feel a bit betrayed because this is their life and they expect you just to be 'in it' with them. But as a more neutral person, you can see how much better life could be for them, and you.

I imagine that every aspect of their life must be about keeping your sister alive and well.

I feel for you, and them.

Your parents are also used to you (tacitly) supporting all that they do for your sister. They could talk to you and know that at some level you would support them, maybe even encourage them.

Now they have lost that "support". I would doubt that there are many other people in their lives they can talk so openly about your sister and "knowing" you wouldn't judge them for their decisions. Maybe they are even thinking what will happen to her after they pass (sorry) - perhaps they had been assuming you would take all responsibility.

Maybe it's making them think twice. Having a child with so many issues must be hard - but that should not be your problem and I agree with you pulling away.

They aren’t going to change at 80. Take the counselling, keep your boundaries. We don’t know what happened to your sister, and it’s possible your parents feel a lot of guilt, which might be driving their behaviour. Doubling that guilt to include the impact on you might be too much for them to cope with. I’m not saying this is right. I’m just giving you a possible theory that might explain things and make you feel less like this is about you.

I think YANBU to want to detach from your sister, she is not your responsibility. But you can’t expect your parents to see it your way. They probably use up all their capacity for care on her, see you as the strong capable one, and are not willing to have their worldview upended. I don’t think they will ever see it from your point of view or understand the impact of parentifying you. From now on I wouldn’t try to get them to validate your feelings. Just do as you think best for you. Invite your sister over only when you feel like it, tell her to leave when she starts getting unbearable and just say “oh that’s nice/oh that’s a shame” when your parents talk about her and switch the conversation to something they will want to talk about.

Although their suggestion of counselling was probably made for different reasons, given your latest updates maybe it might be a good idea?

It will give you the chance to discuss how you feel with someone unconnected and not emotionally involved. It will hopefully allow you the clarity of knowing what feels right and the confidence to go with what is right for you.

@GoodGirlFaith Yes, that's why I've advised the OP to be careful not to allow a rift -do her best to stick to her boundaries, but if she's not entirely successful (e.g., if they sometimes do still talk about her sister), move the conversation on, but don't get too annoyed.

Once parents are in their 80's, our time with them is limited and the last thing we want to do is have a falling-out. The OP can completely cut ties with her sister in the future.

They’ll get used to it. You don’t have to make any announcements about ejecting people from your house if they are rude to you, just do it. You don’t have to state you won’t support sister doing whatever, just do it. You do need them to stop leaning on you and talking endlessly about sisters problems, and you have. They are doing that and it seems less warm and enmeshed because it is. I f you want more time with them away from sister invite them. Just start living the way you want it to be.

Sounds like they want you to care for her when they're gone or getting older and take the brunt off them. This is a them problem for simply allowing your sister to behave like that towards them. You are allowed boundaries and you owe her nothing.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I can see that your parents have fallen into this way of life that has become their normality, but the reality is it's not normal.

They are probably also worrying about what will happen to your sister when they are no longer around and probably just assumed you would step in, so your recent attempt to distance yourself from your sister has probably come as a complete and unwelcome surprise to them.

But this is their way of life, it's not yours and neither should it be.

Perhaps you will have to retreat a bit on them "not talking about" your sister - do they have anything else to talk about?

But with regards to how your sister behaves, especially in your own home, then you would be completely reasonable to continue with the zero tolerance approach.

I feel for you. I don't think you're being unfair to your parents but I would guess they are unlikely to change or see things differently after a whole lifetime of this enmeshed dynamic with your sister. My experience is that when you hold up a mirror to people they will blame you, the messenger, rather than acknowledge what you say is true.

Keep away as much as you can, change the subject when you can, deal directly with your sister when she visits and tell her any bs and she has to leave your house. This will get translated as Endofanera is being nasty, of course it will. Build up your life outside of your family so you have other people to care for you and understand your point of view.

In a way, it doesn’t matter what we think, it is what your parents think that matters, since it is them who you want a relationship with. Maybe the question to ask is more how you might manage to repair that relationship, since that is your goal.

FWIW, I agree with your boundaries. But your parents are silent generation or before so they probably see the whole family as having a duty to one another. That’s the gap you need to bridge.

My parents reacted very badly. They said I was being unreasonable, asked why I had "started all this now?” and repeatedly suggested I have counselling. My mum has become noticeably colder with me. My dad is also very angry and I've barely spoken to him.

Because your action highlights that they are enabling, that without you, its all on them. Without you blindly accepting, it shows that their acceptance has cracks, that sister isnt angelic.

Of course its your fault, its on you, just tow the line as you always have done.. thats easier than getting the sister in line. You're easier to control, you're the path of least resistance.

Let them. What you have stated isnt an unreasonable boundaries - that you wont be disrespected, that you wont put up with bad behaviour, that you wont keep rescuing someone who takes no responsibility, no accountability, and makes no change.

Not unreasonable at all.

Given their age, yes. I wouldn't say unreasonable but the time to have this conversation with them was many years ago.

Your parents must live in constant fear and I think they must need you.

I may be biased as my own parents both died young.