Should I tell my daughter she's got post?

I probably wouldn't cook for her if she is just emerging to eat she can cook her own food. I had adult children living here they had to communicate plans if they were in or out , im not a skivvy you are not a skivvy, your house isn't a B&B would you let say your husband or Sibling behave like this is your house?

Put it on her bed. Up to her from there

downstairs with everyone else’s post likely to get missed /forgotten

i think I’d ask if she was going to eat with the family and if not, I wouldn’t cook for her. I’m not her servant. She can cook for herself when she is ready.

We had the same this summer with dd. She barely spoke and floated around for 2 months. I'd finally had enough and forced her to speak to us. She burst into tears and said she just didn't want to be here, she wanted to be back in her university city; she felt guilty as she'd applied for over 100 (I saw them) summer jobs and had only managed to get a few hours at one so was dependent on us, and generally felt lonely - despite having friends here she spent time with.
We had a long talk and I just said we wanted the manners she'd been brought up with and to speak about how she felt.
It was the right thing to do and the final few weeks were much nicer. We saw each other's view and worked it out

My eldest was like this and you need to start on some tough love. Why on earth are you cooking her meals and why are you allowing her to take it upstairs to eat? I’d be expecting her to make you dinner At least once a week more if she sat around doing nothing. Does she not have any chores?

if she’s going back to college shortly you may decide to leave it this time but if she’s finished, She needs to grow up and the only way you’re going to help her do that by giving her some responsibility. Honestly I dragged it on for far too long and it’s really not Doing the many favours and he’s awful to live with and for your relationship. Once she’s finished college set some ground rules, charge her rent (even if it’s token/saved for her) and make sure she’s responsible for her own cooking & washing if she won’t engage as a family & share.

If you want her to move them then tell her to do so. If you don't care if they stay there ad infinitum don't say anything.

Stop cooking for her. I don't think that being on the phone and spending a lot of time in your room and with friends is that dreadful for a 21 yo student. But if you can't afford to keep her then tell her she must pay rent.

I put parcels and letter on Dd's bed if she's not home. If she is I hand it to her.

I don't see why that's a problem either, to be honest.

I put mine where he can see it, on the stairs so when he’s coming up or down he can pick it up, on the bench by the door for the same reason, or next to the coffee machine he uses daily. Maybe I’ll say, ‘you’ve got post’ just because that’s what you do when someone gets post.
Leaving it festering on a coffee table in a room it doesn’t sound like she uses much sounds like you’ve entered into a passive aggressive game only you’re playing.

I would mention she has post.

I would also have a separate conversation about her behaviour and your expectations.

DD(21) is home from college for the summer. She acts like nothing more than a lodger. Will grace us with her presence when it's time to eat only and will spend 24/7 on her phone locked in room otherwise. Never makes time for the rest of the family but will happily go out with friends.

I don't really see the problem with this. She's an adult. She's not hanging out with the family every day when she's away at university so why would she need to do that during the summer holidays? She's in her room. She's not harming anyone. She's not in the way. If she was hogging the living room all day to lie on the sofa and watch Netflix then sure, that would be a problem. But simply keeping herself mostly to herself and joining the family for meals seems perfectly fine for an adult child.

And of course she'll happily go out with friends. She's a grown woman in her 20s.

You're saying she acts like a lodger - but that's effectively what she is. She's away at uni most of the time, living with friends. That's where her 'normal' life is.

Yes, it's irritating that she hasn't noticed her post, but you could have avoided that irritation by simply saying 'There's post for you on the table' when she came down, rather than playing weird mind games and implementing stand-off over something this trivial.

Christ, you're being childish! Just tell her there's post for her.

Leave the post in her room. It’s more annoying having to look at it. She’s 21, she could be a bit more social in the family, otherwise normal.

My adult niece is living with me and is similar re not noticing things and spending most of her time in her room. This is all fine with me. I tell her if there's post for her or I leave it outside her bedroom door. Not a big deal.

I think it's a life lesson thing and you should have a chat with her. Is she house sharing in college/uni? What are her plans when she graduates?

A chat about responsibilities and relationships and communications when you live with other people is where I'd come at this from.

Shit sandwich it

First slice of bread - We love that you're here and we're so proud of you. I'm so glad that you've got lots of friends and a big busy life.
Filling - Have you spotted that you've got a parcel and post on the table? It's been there for ages! I'm a bit worried that you've used home as a hotel and I'd kind of hoped that when you went away and houseshared that you'd get a better idea about how we all need to work as a team to pick stuff up and notice the household things that need doing. I'm not better at tidying up, I just end up having to do it because no one else does and that makes me feel shit.
Second slice of bread - you've got a fabulous life ahead of you living with friends and partners and I just want us to have a bit of a chat about noticing things, taking some household responsibilities and all that.

All very patronising probably but there we are.

I am naturally messier and less bothered about stuff than my parents and I'm in my 40s. We've got different approaches to doing things so I adapt when I'm in their house and embrace the chaos a bit more in my own home.

I'd very easily spot that I've got post or a parcel and just think "I don't need that until next week" or "I'll open that later" and then forget or sometimes I am scared of what's in some envelopes! Like scary bills or fines or whatever (not that they usually are, I'm a sensible driver etc, I'm just a panicker at heart).

But she clearly hasn't been raised in a civil household... the OP isn't even civil.eniugh to say "You got post" or "I left your post on the table" and has instead left it build.up for 2 weeks. So I can imagine basic manners aren't part of this house.

A teen/dependent adult child regularly eating meals with the family past age 15 is the opposite of ignoring everyone in the house. Unless during meals everyone is staring at a screen? We have a screen ban at the dinner table that applies to everyone.

It is normal, to mention there is letters and packages.

So she eats and leaves the table no chat wolfs her dinner and goes ? Can you not just say there is post for you , 21 year olds are not teenagers that grunt they are grown adults why is she "allowed " to act like this?

Na, if someone is that disengaged with the household, despite attempts to engage her, then I'm not putting their post on their bed like a maid, or handing it to them like a butler.

Pick it up from where the post gets put or don't.

OP can also be civil and just say ‘you’ve got post’, there’s nothing to be gained by not doing that.

This is what I do. As soon as they come in I let them know there is a letter or parcel for them every time. I thought that was normal.

I’m quite surprised by some of these responses. I would expect more from my children if they are of working age, and yet I’m still financing their lives. Surely it’s isn’t too much to expect them to be civil? They can have their own life without pointedly ignoring everyone else in the house.

You gain nothing by not telling her she has post.