Should I tell my daughter she's got post?

They are separate issues. The post, just tell her it's there. The rest, these issues should have been addressed years ago, but it's not too late now. She doesn't get to treat the house like a hotel. If you want her to eat with the family, that's what she does or she doesn't eat. If you don't want to cook a separate meal for her, then don't. Let her cook her own and make sure that she cleans up fterwards. If she steps over something on the floor, tell her to pick it up. You can't force her to engage with the rest of the household, but she can show some basic respect and consideration. If she has been allowed to act a certain way, YABU to complain about her behaviour.

You are being ridiculous.

It is a funny time when they are home for holidays but away for University.

Yes, legally they are adults, but they have got used to different routines (or lack of routines) and eating at different times, and usually being far more flexible than a normal routine in a family home is able to be. There is also an element of all of us reverting to childhood roles when home with our parents.

It seems odd that you can't communicate with your own dd.
Yes, I have found it frustrating, but I've always taken them out for lunch, or asked them if they wanted to come to X or Y with me, or watch a film or something, and I've counted to 10 about the things that are a bit annoying. I can't imagine not interacting with once of my dc whilst they are living in the same house.

As for not saying 'there's a letter for you' either when you see her, or by WhatsApp, that's just beyond childish. Who exactly is benefiting from that ?

Bloody hell, JUST TELL HER.🙄

“You aren’t acting exactly as I want you to (but haven’t set any expectations) therefore I am throwing you out.

Fast forward ten years “my daughter never visits” 👍

It’s normal in my world to say “post arrived for you, I’ve put it in your room” 🤷‍♀️

Just tell her they are there and going forwards she's no longer welcome to stay if she treats the place like a hotel.

Just put them on her bed

One reminder to an adult child living at home that she has post on the table is an ok thing to do. I suspect that it's not the post but her general attitude and sense of entitlement that is annoying you.

I think you need to set out your expectations of any adult child returning to live at home. Like laundry, cleaning her own room, bathroom sharing, using utilities, cleaning up any mess kitchen, sharing fridge, contributions to bills etc , communicating if she's in for meals or not.

Not eating in her room would be one of mine if she's prone to leave half eaten means pushed under the bed

And yet she is on MN asking if she should communicate a basic fact or play a weird game about it.

Soo I'm going to call that "unreliable narration".

AIBU to leave it, even though they look like important letters?

That is passive aggressive.

The op has said she tries repeatedly to engage

You reared her.
Did you spoil her when she was younger and do everything for her ?
She doesn’t sound very nice.

I am not saying everyone has to be all happy families but it just sounds miserable.

She sounds really rude, OP. Doesn't she ever just have a chat with you?

Yes, I'm not saying it's all on OP, but "hey, you haven't got your post... I've noticed I always have to tell you because you aren't down here a lot. Is everything alright?" would go a long way!

The lack of communication from everyone is sad, I agree with you nobody speaking or even passing the time of day is odd.

This thread is a bit sad. Have you considered what's led to her feeling so estranged and uncomfy around you?

I hardly see my 20 something dd some weeks and she lives with us full time. If she doesn't notice post that has arrived for her on the hall table, I just take it up to her room. What's the big deal? (I understand you're annoyed she doesn't interact much but she probably finds home life hard after having lived independently. She'll mature eventually, hopefully.)

If she’s not noticing post I’m assuming she isn’t on the cleaning rota either.

Sometimes people on Mumsnet feel like space aliens trying to work out how human life works...

If you want your daughter to move her post, ask her to.

If she doesn't and it annoys you to see it on the coffee table, put it in her bedroom.

How is any of this difficult?

Yes this, either tell her or give her the post.

seems like two different issues and not to be dealt with as connected. She probably thinks the post on the table is yours since you undoubtedly receive the majority of post. So tell her the post is for her, or put it in her room (at least you won't have it cluttering your coffee table). Deal with the other legitimate issues separately.

There is no need for 21 year olds to opt out of life, it is rude to emerge to eat and expect food to magically be there, not speaking to the people that she lives with her family her mother is rude and ill mannered, you can only offer so much love effort and care, when it is getting rebuffed. Adults are not entitled to ignore their loving and caring parents and take advantage.

I'd shove it under her door next time I went upstairs. That way it wouldn't annoy me cluttering up the hall. It's up to her if she opens it.

(My husband leaves post lying around for days/weeks and I've taken to putting it in the desk in his study so there isn't a big pile in the hallway. I admit it makes me anxious as I'm a solicitor and leaving paperwork ignored makes me twitchy!)

But it's clear that her lack of engagement is what is bothering you. Have you told her that you find it rude?

What's the harm in making a bit of extra food for your own daughter?

I just worry that some of the tough love attitude might make young adults feel rejected and therefore less secure, just when they're launching themselves into adult life.

Twentyish years of love, effort and care, just to knock their confidence when they most need it.

Obviously I don't mean that rudeness should be tolerated.