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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I tell my daughter she's got post?

136 replies

statement · 10/09/2026 13:24

DD(21) is home from college for the summer. She acts like nothing more than a lodger. Will grace us with her presence when it's time to eat only and will spend 24/7 on her phone locked in room otherwise. Never makes time for the rest of the family but will happily go out with friends. She's had a few letters and a parcel which has been on the coffee table for two weeks. For context it's not a messy house, there's nothing else on the table but her letters and parcel. But this is her way, she notices nothing about the household and acts like it's a hotel. If something has fallen on the floor she will step round it. Everything has to be pointed out to her every single time. This has happened before when her driving licence arrived. It was on the table for a few weeks and she asked me if it had come and I said yes there it is. If I hadn't told her it would have been there for the rest of her life. No ND, all regular.

AIBU to leave it, even though they look like important letters?

OP posts:
FieryA · 11/09/2026 18:58

Workplacedilemma84 · 10/09/2026 13:49

"I'm so lucky that my DD still wants to stay with us in the summer. She is off enjoying her independent life, and I'm so proud to see her branching out and living her own life. She joins us for mealtimes so I get t9 see her regularly. She trusts us enough to leave her post in communal areas. I'm so glad she is home and she is safe"

There ya go OP, I fixed it for you :)

What rubbish! She is a member of the family and is not doing any favours on anyone. Her behaviour is quite rude.

Kally64 · 11/09/2026 18:57

Have you tried sitting her down and talking to her about her attitude towards the family when she’s at home? Maybe if you’ve always looked after her every need she just takes it for granted? I don’t mean this in an aggressive way at all, just trying to come up with ideas for you ☺️

Stelladid · 11/09/2026 18:57

statement · 10/09/2026 15:48

Just to clarify something, when I said she comes down to eat it's not with everyone else. I mean we see her when she comes down to have her meal (which I've cooked) but it's not when everyone else is eating.

Given that she is an adult and isn’t joining you for meals that the rest of the family are eating, maybe think about why you are cooking for her. Also a PP asked what she is paying for her keep. I’d like to know this too. She is behaving like a sulky teenager, but perhaps you are also treating her like one. Are you also doing her washing?

PerspicaciaTick · 11/09/2026 18:51

My DS has been a bit like that this summer. I've taken to taking a photo of whatever he is meant to be attending to and Whatsapping him. My job is done and I can stop stressing.
He seems to notice the messages whereas my voice just goes in one ear and out the other.

Bilboben · 11/09/2026 18:42

You have a choice, offend or you let matters ride and increase your resentment. Those are your choices only you will understand the nuances of the consequences. So get on with it. Weak parents produce weak children.

Jc2001 · 11/09/2026 18:41

Cocopogo · 10/09/2026 13:54

Oh great, now we should be grateful for our kids to bother turning up? Wow.

Yeah some people set themselves a very low bar.

TwinklyAmberSloth · 11/09/2026 18:40

statement · 10/09/2026 15:48

Just to clarify something, when I said she comes down to eat it's not with everyone else. I mean we see her when she comes down to have her meal (which I've cooked) but it's not when everyone else is eating.

She sounds rude.

Why are you cooking for her? If she isn't willing to be polite and eat at family meals then she can sort her own food out.

I wouldn't bother telling her she has post. If she ordered something and its important she will go look for it.

Jane143 · 11/09/2026 18:37

I’d tell her it’s there but wouldn’t take it up to her

Nearly50omg · 11/09/2026 18:26

statement · 10/09/2026 15:48

Just to clarify something, when I said she comes down to eat it's not with everyone else. I mean we see her when she comes down to have her meal (which I've cooked) but it's not when everyone else is eating.

Stop cooking for her unless she actually comes to eat with the rest of the family!!

BMW58 · 11/09/2026 18:21

Well I think she's being incredibly rude and I'd stop cooking for her, no washing etc.

oviraptor21 · 11/09/2026 18:19

Post gets left on the hall shelf in my household in separate piles. I don't tell anyone if any post has arrived for them. They can look at the shelf when they leave or come back to the house.

Hutinthemiddleofnowhere · 11/09/2026 18:16

She's 21 and acts like this? You would have hoped living away would have taught her to be more independent and considerate of the household. Keep nagging, you could be petty and stick notes up?

tommyhoundmum · 11/09/2026 18:10

statement · 10/09/2026 13:24

DD(21) is home from college for the summer. She acts like nothing more than a lodger. Will grace us with her presence when it's time to eat only and will spend 24/7 on her phone locked in room otherwise. Never makes time for the rest of the family but will happily go out with friends. She's had a few letters and a parcel which has been on the coffee table for two weeks. For context it's not a messy house, there's nothing else on the table but her letters and parcel. But this is her way, she notices nothing about the household and acts like it's a hotel. If something has fallen on the floor she will step round it. Everything has to be pointed out to her every single time. This has happened before when her driving licence arrived. It was on the table for a few weeks and she asked me if it had come and I said yes there it is. If I hadn't told her it would have been there for the rest of her life. No ND, all regular.

AIBU to leave it, even though they look like important letters?

Mine at 23 also ignores all letters.

LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife · 11/09/2026 12:55

Just tell her, it’s not difficult.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 11/09/2026 12:48

grumpygrape · 11/09/2026 11:41

To be honest, we’re not going anywhere with this and clogging up the thread so this will be my final comment to you.

I asked two questions which I felt were pertinent to the issue. The questions weren’t answered but you extrapolated my reasoning to ‘Why would you say ‘post has come for you’ if the person pays keep, but say silent if they don’t (even though that’s your choice).’

Which was not my reasoning because I hadn’t had the information I sought, so didn’t, and still don’t, have an opinion. You have assumed my opinion. There are more solutions/options than the two you gave.

I disagreed that paying keep was relevant, and you said that I’m ‘making things up’ rather than discuss or anything else. Its fair enough if you don’t want to discuss anything, but saying I’m making things up just isn’t true, I disagreed with your opinion that it’s relevant and explained why, that doesn’t make me a liar. I guess OP agreed that it’s not relevant wether or not she pays keep either.

WonderWeeksArentReal · 11/09/2026 11:50

Send her a Whatsapp that she has post that's been sat there for ages.

And stop cooking for her.

grumpygrape · 11/09/2026 11:41

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 23:11

Well OPs question was ‘should I tell her she has post’ and you asked whether or not she pays keep, because you think it makes a difference to the situation. I’ve made nothing up, that’s what you’ve said.

To be honest, we’re not going anywhere with this and clogging up the thread so this will be my final comment to you.

I asked two questions which I felt were pertinent to the issue. The questions weren’t answered but you extrapolated my reasoning to ‘Why would you say ‘post has come for you’ if the person pays keep, but say silent if they don’t (even though that’s your choice).’

Which was not my reasoning because I hadn’t had the information I sought, so didn’t, and still don’t, have an opinion. You have assumed my opinion. There are more solutions/options than the two you gave.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 23:11

grumpygrape · 10/09/2026 22:13

Good grief, I didn't offer any opinions, I asked two questions which I felt were pertinent. All the rest is from your head.

Well OPs question was ‘should I tell her she has post’ and you asked whether or not she pays keep, because you think it makes a difference to the situation. I’ve made nothing up, that’s what you’ve said.

HoppityBun · 10/09/2026 22:28

Comeonbabylightmyaga · 10/09/2026 20:14

Why wouldn’t you tell her that she has post? I don’t understand?

Because, in short, it’s payback for treating her home, to quote the OP, as a hotel.

grumpygrape · 10/09/2026 22:13

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 20:26

Well that’s what the thread is about, and I can only go off what you say…. So no, I’m not making things up.

Good grief, I didn't offer any opinions, I asked two questions which I felt were pertinent. All the rest is from your head.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 20:26

grumpygrape · 10/09/2026 20:12

I didn't suggest what you've said - you're making things up.

Well that’s what the thread is about, and I can only go off what you say…. So no, I’m not making things up.

jonesonscam · 10/09/2026 20:22

statement · 10/09/2026 15:48

Just to clarify something, when I said she comes down to eat it's not with everyone else. I mean we see her when she comes down to have her meal (which I've cooked) but it's not when everyone else is eating.

And she’s NOT ND? Riiiiight,,,

Comeonbabylightmyaga · 10/09/2026 20:14

Why wouldn’t you tell her that she has post? I don’t understand?

grumpygrape · 10/09/2026 20:12

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/09/2026 13:40

I disagree. Why would you say ‘post has come for you’ if the person pays keep, but say silent if they don’t (even though that’s your choice). That’s just strange

I didn't suggest what you've said - you're making things up.

whistlesandbells · 10/09/2026 19:06

If you have told her there is post and she has ignored you then I would pick it up and put it in her room.

I would not allow someone in my home to regularly (always) grab food I have made and blank me. I wouldn’t cook for them and they would be given a cupboard and told to start buying their own meals at that age. How much longer has she got left at college/university and what is the plan for after? How do you think it will be having to live together again after graduation if this continues? At her age she could also contribute to the home by chores and sharing the domestic load. All young adults at home should. Not unreasonable at all to expect.