AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

The trouble is OP that you've given in to all of this so far.. So I would expect a battle here.

We had a similar struggle when we had our 1st DC between my family and DH's family. After a horrendous Christmas where we spent more time in the car than in people's houses or our own, I put my foot down and we've never travelled since on Christmas Day.

You have to start insisting too. Tell Hubby what you will and will not do. he needs to worry more about making you upset or mad than making his Mommy mad. Remind him that he took vows with you. Start using the Phrase....no I won't be doing that.....more often.

Offer to see her on your chosen day (Christmas eve or boxing day) and if she says that won't work, just say "Oh well, see you in the new year then!" Start insisting as much as she does!

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She needs to be told that you will alternate between families and even then there will be the odd reason why its not adhered to exactly

just keep it simple “ no sorry he cant come to the sirport bexause x’. “Its my mums turn this year at Christmas, let us know what other day suits you “

remember JADE dont :
justify
argue
defend
explain ( beyond the basic - “its my mums turn ‘

don't engage end conversations that ho on about the topic , “ I've got nothing more to say about this im going to end this call now

if you are going to keep talking about this i am going to ask you to leave / we are going to leave

It's interesting how you jokingly dismiss the idea of doing something that is very well justified. You aren't the one being unreasonable here OP.

Your husband doesn’t need to ‘sort this out’ , he needs to recallibrate his perspective. Remind him that when you got married the vows were not meaningless words, but a promise to put each other first and support each other. You need to go out to dinner and let him know you have something important to discuss about your family, ie the 3 of you, then present the issue to him together with a proposed solution. The on-the-day thing is not sustainable. Imagine you have 2 children under 4 and trying to do that.
Your husband needs to be a husband first, then a son. You and your child are now his immediate family. Your husband is being wet by running when she jerks his string. He can’t please all of the people all of the time, so he should please the most important people and that should mean you and child.
Why has his mother got such a hold over him? I had a similar situation with my husband’s mother and I failed to call him out on it early on because I was trying too hard to ingratiate myself. I really regret it because the golden window of opportunity passed and it was then too late, and she had him by the nuts. I know that if I had insisted at the outset or after we had our first child he would have shifted his position and loyalty.
There will be further tests of your husband’s loyalty in the future. If he chooses to kowtow to his mother instead of presenting a united front with you she will not respect you and it will undermine your marriage. Good luck, be strong, take a stand on this.

Do the same thing back to her.

Refused to go to her, brother agd then back to her. It will take you the whole day anyway.
Pick her up, take her to the brother. Then leave back to your parents, ensuring you spend plenty of time with them. After-all, your mum is ALSO going to find it hard this year too.

Then next year, refuse to split the day and take ‘your turn’ .

That would only solve Christmas though.
You need to have a chat with her re ‘being with her on the day’.

It feels like she hasn’t let go of her being at the centre if the family iyswim.
Im wondering . Does she insist that dh siblings and children ALSO spend the important days with her? Has it always been like this when your dh was growing up?

I’m sorry but no.

Pretty normal to spend Christmas with one side of the family and then switch over.
Theres no need to spend EVERY Christmas with her, even part of the day.

And as it is, the OP isn’t spending Christmas with her family much either.

If MIL alternates with her other son then the solution is to go to hers when it's her turn! That means from now on you'll be alternating (one time slot per family) So, this year it's Christmas day /dinner with your DM and evening with MIL- you won't be going to BiL's. Next year you do the opposite. Now I'm writing this makes me wonder what your DM will do during Christmas day / dinner?

Tell your DH it wasn't fair last year, she ruined your day with your parents as you didn't actually get it, and you're doing it at your family's properly this year.

Go! My in-laws alternate now hosting Christmas and then holidaying for Christmas.

They love it they said they would never do every year at home again even if one of their children hosted it’s a nope.

Just book it, it’s fine!

take my permission as all you need 🤣🤣

I actually want my son to get a better offer at Christmas or whatever so I can go away!

Well I don't care about Mother's Day anyway, but even if I did want to do something for it, I am grown up enough to realise that if my son is married/partnered up and has a child and his partner/wife's mum is still alive, there are three mothers who need to have their turn on that day and unless you all live very close to each other, you're going to have to take it in turns and not all see each other.

Also, it's better to eat out on a different day as you get ripped off on Mother's Day and the food is crap. So I would not so altruistically accept another day anyway ;)

As well as that, there may be other activities. Your child may have a hobby they do on Mother's Day. They might do a team sport, for example. A lot of fixtures still go ahead.

She can "insist" all she wants. You don't have to do it. But honestly it's up to your DH to say no. Don't let him make you the bad guy.

You say you love him because he is kind but he sounds like a pushover. One of the reasons I love my DH is I know he would side with me, in cases where I was being reasonable.

We are.

and due to my MILs behaviour, I make it very clear to my children that when they are older and have families of their own, they suit themselves. They do what makes them happy.

I don’t want them to feel obligated

She is being ridiculous especially on the Christmas thing but the rest- we see my mum his mum Mother’s Day and that’s after brekkie in bed! I don’t think it should be a case of ‘it’s my turn now!’ especially when mums suddenly don’t get to see their adult children more than the odd time! We’re all going to be there someday

That much travel on Christmas is insane, op, you'll have to work out how to say no between now and then anyway because that's just not going to work.
Might as well start with the zoo day. It has to happen some time.
What's your DH s view? Is he willing to try to tackle the "must be on the day" thing?
She may feel it's reasonable to want that.
But if course there are many things we want in life that just don't work for other people, so we can't have them.

Our two children live half a day's drive from us in Mid-Wales, one in North Yorkshire and the other in London. I haven't seen either of them on Mothering Sunday since they married well over twenty years ago, but they always send a card and ring for a chat and I've never for a minute doubted their love for me.

You and DH need to agree your boundaries and stick to them. It’s not unreasonable to see one side on Xmas Eve/Boxing Day and the other on Christmas Day then alternate. If she wants to sulk then let her. I think my only
exception would be to not leave anyone on their own but even then it’s not fair for one side to always miss out.

DH needs to be firm about this though.

I earlier suggested alternating Xmas each year as fair but I had not appreciated your DM would be alone whereas MiL would have other family members. Under those circumstances personally I would not leave my DM on her own for Xmas dinner. Unless DHs family generously included DM (which I would not expect) on DH family years, DH and DS could go to his family every other year but I would stay with my DM. Or alternatively invite both mothers to mine every year (but not wider family) which MiL will obviously decline - fair enough.

If it were me, I'd want to take it in turns, one year just us at home, next year my family, next year their family (or the other way round), then back to just us. But however YOU want to do it, you really need to get buy-in from your DH.

You may think it's just him being kind and lovely, but I think it's him being a wet blanket who's used to being bullied into submission by his mother.

For Xmas day, we said we'll be in at this time (eg until 12) and home from 4. You're welcome to visit any time (FWIW they never came to us)
For birthdays we did what you're planning - a child friendly day out and hosted an afternoon the weekend before/after, whichever was closest.
Mothers day, isn't something we massively celebrate, so we would visit over that weekend at some point.
You need to put your foot down now, because as your baby grows up, or siblings come along, things change and grandparents can't always be accommodated. And also, they need to know they're not in charge of your schedule!

That Christmas Day set up is almost funny it's that ridiculous. I would worry about the mental health of a person that was suggesting it.

She clearly has no interest in your, your DH's or DS's enjoyment of the day and excepts it all to revolve around her. She's not lovely at all.

If I were you, I would tell DH what you will agree to. E.g. your mum's for the day, then inlaws in the evening (or vise versa). Then leave DH to run around like a blue arse fly, backwards and forwards if that's what he wants to do.

I wouldn't entertain the birthday visit at all. Say no, stick to it.

She is not the boss of you.