AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

You’ve been such a good DIL to put up with that even that long! I couldn’t!

I do empathise. We get a guilt trip every year because we don’t spend the entire Xmas day or have Xmas dinner with MIL. But we do drive to them Christmas morning every year without fail, after seeing his dad, then going to my folks for the rest of the day.

Never any effort to drive to see us. Ever. Even on my husband’s birthday she’s like ‘when will we see you’ - babe you have 2 cars! Yet she will visit his sister all the time. This year I’m not even playing. My husband is going round on Christmas Eve and that’s it, f the waterworks. I’ve already decided I’m going to be busy!

I'm astonished that you didn't point out to your MIL that this was your mum's first Christmas alone and that she only had you, while MIL had a cast of thousands to enjoy Christmas Day with.

I'm also widowed and my two DDs really worked hard to make that first Christmas special in its own way, and I loved them so much for that.

Since then I've had the occasional Christmas Day alone for various reasons, and yes, it sucks a bit, but we do it all on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead.

Your day with one and evening visit with the other, alternately, makes sense to me. But for goodness sake make this Christmas your mum's, and explain to your MIL exactly why.

Apologies I voted you are being unreasonable by accident cos I haven’t had enough coffee. You are not being unreasonable op, sort this now whilst DS is young, if it needs and argument, then so be it.

Seeing both families on Christmas Day will very soon be a day you do not look forward to - far too much trundling around with a toddler and potentially another baby. Christmas can be lovely but making it a tour of the shire wrecks it.
One family on Christmas Day, one on Boxing Day. You can either alternate, or keep both days set. You are all adults and, really, Baby Jesus won't mind.
The Christmas holiday is also a chance for you all to have a rest in the middle of winter. Rebuild your strength for January and February. Dashing around unnecessarily won't do that and you'll all be more susceptible to horrid colds etc.

The dc don’t appreciate it! The dc hate being pulled from one Christmas do to the next. I don’t take my dc to two Christmas things on Christmas Day, we alternate. Dh used to want to have his parents drop in or we drop in to theirs on my parents year but fuck no. We do the other family for a proper full Christmas lunch in the week before.

As both mil are widowed how about getting them together just the two of them - treat them yo some day/ activity that creates a bond and then its harder to be mean and selfish to each other introduces them to volunteering- get them driving

let them decide between. The two of them who gets what days. Maybe ?

Christmas here would be lunch until evening with one family then back home.
You see the other family in the morning before you go for lunch .

Our lunch is usually 2-3pm so we have AM at home. Go to one family about 11.30-1.30. then go to other family for 2.

Depending on age of DC we would head home from 6 onwards for last hour before bed at home.

IMO it's kind to fit everyone in. The DC appreciate it as they get older and it's what I would want if I get GC.

Your difficulty is your MIL doesn't drive so you have to go there. I would not be doing her house plus her other DC house. See her at dinner only.

On birthday I would do the day at the zoo and home for 4.30 for birthday cake. Everyone invited. MIL can ask one of her other DC to bring her.

Mother's Day is just a juggling of visits to both mums for 90 mins around doing your thing.

It can work if you have a supportive DH and you all compromise to make it work.

He should also care about you not upsetting your family.

When DH and I got married we told both sets of families that we would alternate Christmas with each set, and it was not negotiable. As my family and DH's family lived over 300 miles apart there was no kickback.

You need to be firm about your plans, and his mum will have to suck it up..

You need space to create special memories and traditions as your own family unit for these occasions - you can't be catering to your MiL the whole time, otherwise the occasions become about her and not your own family unit!

Oh that is not fair at all! So your family didn't get a turn basically? Like a pp suggested, map out the day for him - if you only ended up spending a few hours with your family this year, MIL can't claim the whole day each year either side.

I think a good compromise that my BIL and SIL do is a video call on the occasion day. Doesn't take ages and obv no travel to consider.

But yes, she can't claim all occasions, it's not fair on you with dragging the kids around, or on your side. I'd try and come up with a plan where you alternate occasions eg one year Christmas with your side and Easter (or other) with MIL, that year see MIL Christmas eve or boxing day. Mother's day this year you could send DH with the baby for a couple hours while you have a lie in or something.

of course YADNBU!

The only thing that I can suggest is that you pick a quiet time to discuss this with your DH. Write down the days on a piece of paper with morning, afternoon and evening. Seeing it written down will demonstrate the reality in a way that talking just won’t make explicit.

I’d be having a very serious discussion witn your dh about this. No going to mils on ds birthday, and say you’re seriously considering insisting going to your mums too this Christmas, if your mum is fine doing this to me on my Christmas I am fine doing it to her. I will no longer miss out or be stressed and unhappy on special occasions because your mum is very selfish and we pander to it. You need to think. I and ds won’t be going to your mums at all next Christmas Day- my mums turn is my mums turn and that is fixed. You are letting me and dd down more than you are supporting your mum.

BUT one of the reasons I fell in love with DH was because of how caring he was about others and how close he was to his family. I know this reluctance to upset his mum comes from that place, and I do appreciate that.

was because of how caring he was about others

But not you apparently.

I know this reluctance to upset his mum comes from that place,

But he's happy for you to be upset.

was because of how caring he was about others

He doesn't seem to care about your mum either.

how close he was to his family

It sounds like enmeshed would be a better word than close.

Stand up for yourself and your mum. Tell him things are not going to be dictated by his mother. That she's not going to get every Christmas Day, Easter Day, Mothers' Day and birthday. And if he doesn't like it, suggest he goes back to live with her if her wants are so much more important than yours.

People are entitled to have Christmas Eve or boxing day at home. So one inlaw one Christmas, the other the next year (only because the OP likes that), then the rest possibly at home. OP once your child is bigger there'll be events/indoor fairs/panto etc that you'll want to see. Start at the birthday as you mean to go on. No-one is entitled to your time. Last Christmas was absolutely nuts.

Say to your dh you want to come up with a plan for Xmas, mothers days, birthdays. Agree together then let them no the plan. We do -
Xmas eve - pils house
xmas day - my family
Boxing Day - pil house

Birthdays we spend just us but usually see family weekend before or after.

mothers / father day we do just us. Usually pop in to see parents a day or 2 before

I think you need to be firm and start with birthday. That people can visit between 11-3 (whatever time you want to make it) as have many people wanting to see him.

then Christmas you went to start making your own family traditions and once the kids come along it’s all about them. Again the ha re welcome to visit but the child will want to stay in and play with their toys from Santa.

When GC were young they spent the day with parents or other GPs. We always said our Christmas Day is a moveable feast: Any time during December to the middle of January at ours for both DS and DD's + DSS children altogether. Lovely chaos and no pressure for a particular day. They sorted which day between them all and told us when they were coming. I did this because PIL always wanted to control things on special days.

I hate the word boundaries, always sounds like you are fencing people out. I also often feel sorry for mothers of sons who are sometimes treated as second class citizens.
However in this case she is so unreasonable. She cant have every special day thats beyond selfish. You are going to have to be strong . I think she missed out the learning to share and compromise , section of growing up!

God, this reminds me of the year we got told

‘we’re free on Xmas Eve and Boxing Day, which one works best for you?’

we chose Xmas Eve, felt like a more magical, Christmassy day. To be told in the next breath that Boxing Day would be better for them, as we’d have the left over meats for lunch.

which begs the question - why bloody ask?!

christmas can be such a minefield with extended family!

Tell her to fuck off. She’s not entitled to your time.

As I am sure has already been said, you have a DH problem.

What you are suggesting is perfectly reasonable, alternate Christmas with families, having a birthday tea with each grandmother and also doing what you want with your child on special occasions.

What you need is for your DH to tell his mum that her requests are unreasonable and that compromise is needed or things will become very difficult and she will end up seeing less of you.

Your MIL is very selfish.

I always post the same thing on similar threads - would you dream of doing the same thing to your children when you're her age? I would hope not. In that case, this is your time to do what works best for you and your children, otherwise you'll have a lifetime of never spending a Christmas Day/Mothers Day/your child's birthday doing things the way you'd like to do them! (Maybe your MIL pandered to her parents/in laws until now, but that's not your problem to fix!)

I think you need to sit down with your DH and discuss that your child has two sets of grandparents to take into account, and that as parents you are entitled to make decisions that best suit the needs of your family unit. Splitting every special occasions 3 ways is not a fun way to spend a day, as you discovered last Christmas. Would you like Christmas Day to be on a 2 or 3 year rotation, depending on whether you want some years just at home with the 3 of you? Your sons birthday is a day to spend as a 3 but you will do a family tea party on the nearest Saturday? Or do you not want a set routine and the ability to discuss plans each year more flexibly? Try and reach an agreement together then share with the others your thoughts.

Your MIL might be upset or annoyed. She is allowed to be. That doesnt make her emotional response a problem for you to fix.

What does your DH actually want to do? Is it important to see her on Christmas day or is he not bothered? Id be tempted to say you don't want a regimented plan for the day every year and you can make a new tradition of seeing on boxing day or similar