Page 7 | AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

carkey26 · 2026-09-10T09:23:39+00:00

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc. And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset. DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise. Examples.. Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home. The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it. Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.." I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day! AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

Gobbledegoo · 11/09/2026 16:36

In your situation, as both Mums have other people with them, Stay at Home on every Christmas Day from now on. Your DC(s) will, in future, want to play with their new toys at home. If other people want to see you they can come to yours for a couple of hours, before or after lunch and you and DH choose. A compromise under these conditions would be visiting one DM Christmas Eve and the other Boxing Day. Other special occasions/days the same, especially DC's birthday.

SandyHappyPerson · 11/09/2026 16:36

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 09:36

For people asking why on earth I agreed to last year, I mean it’s a good point.

All I can say really is that I was 7 weeks post partum on the day itself, so had an even younger newborn when initial discussions were going on. And I did push back but was under pressure from both DH and MIL.

Now that I think about it MIL actually wanted us to go round to hers the evening of Christmas Eve as well(!!) and I said no, not if we’re going in the morning already so at the time I felt like I had won that battle. I guess this is the crux of the problem, the original scale of the request is just SO unmanageable. I.e. 3 visits in less than 24 hours, that the ‘compromise’ still ends up being very far from ideal.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s. And while I could have pushed to stay at my mum’s longer, I didn’t want to end up getting home insanely late. Refusing to go at all would have essentially ruined Christmas from the fall out with DH and MIL. By that point it was a no-win situation.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s.

Okay, you really do have a DH problem, he is completely disrespecting your wishes about how YOU want to spend the time, and to be honest he was very disrespectful to your mum to want to eat and run, I would have been angry at the suggestion and I would have already cancelled going back to his mums seeing as you were kept there too long in the morning against what you had agreed.

It is always a tricky time to navigate, but neither your DH or his mum is showing any respect for what you want, so unfortunately you are going to have no choice but to dig your heels in, it's been proven that if you give an inch they will take a mile and STILL complain, so unfortunately you can't really on your DH to be objective either.

What happened last year can be a blessing though because you can use it as a reason not to be railroaded into ANYTHING this year. All you have to say is "no, I went along with your plans last year and it was a shambles, we're not doing it this year" then refuse to agree to anything unless it suits you as a family of three.

You need to start putting your foot down more to be honest, the priority is you, your DH and your DS spending time together, anyone else is just an optional extra.

Foodwench66 · 11/09/2026 16:33

I'd tell everyone you will be in your home for Xmas going forward and everyone is invited to come if they wish. That's what we do. Also there are other days around the holiday other than the 24th and 25th.

Gemilo · 11/09/2026 16:17

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 12:13

Very overly dramatic.

And you couldn’t be more wrong.

Have a nice day.

Show quote history

She's got a point though, hasn't she?

Bringflowersofthefairest · 11/09/2026 14:31

You have a husband problem whether you want to see that or not.

saraclara · 11/09/2026 13:35

I'm not going to slag off your DH, but again, surely it should have been obvious to him that your newly widowed mum (and his seven week old baby) should have been prioritised?

7yo7yo · 11/09/2026 13:13

Radioheads · 11/09/2026 11:49

Your husband sounds as awful as his mother.
I feel very sorry for your mother.
Only one child and she's being bullied by her husband and MIL.
I also feel very sorry for the child in the midst of this.
It's all about your husband and mother.
You and your child are just to be dominated and bullied.
This may be what you think a normal marriage looks like, but it really isn't.

You should consider counselling on your own to help you with self esteem and boundaries.

You have not married a good man from a nice family.

You were a new mother with a small baby, and he still insisted his mother's needs were his priority.

Such men are weak and selfish.
They put their wives and children last.

I strongly suggest counselling for you and that you think long and hard before you inflict this selfish man child on another child.

You deserve so much better, and so does your child.

I have no doubt your poor mum must be privately so concerned to see you so dominated by him and his family, I know I would be if you were my daughter.

How you haven't the Ick for your husband is amazing.

Totally agree with this. Your “D”H is as awful as his mum.

99bottlesofkombucha · 11/09/2026 13:05

I hope your dh sees where you are coming from and how batshit this is. I think you should put it to him that you had a 7week old baby and it was your mums year and literally spent more time at his mums than your mums, so you think it would be fair to do your mums again this year properly. Make that your fallback argument if he doesn’t get it- that his mums is cancelled this year and every year she gets more time on your mums year, because you will not abandon your mum or let her just get less with the reason being his mum is batshit selfish crazy and he bullies you.

Cadeaukatze · 11/09/2026 13:05

Maybe it’s time to remind him that with his behaviour, he is being unkind towards you, your dc together and your family

This. Why is his mum more important than you and your child(ren).

HouseBee · 11/09/2026 12:27

@carkey26 you haven’t said.
Is your MIL insisting on that rule - going to see on THE DAY of any special occasion - to all siblings or just with your dh?

Because I can’t help fereling that your dh siblings partners might not be happy about it either. And I’d be surprised if all of them are there for every Christmas, every Mother’s Day etc….

And if they are not, then what stops you and your dh from doing the same?

I know you said that what you really like about your dh is how kind and caring he is. Abd Thars a great quality. But sometimes, people take advantage of it because kind people are also the people who won’t say No because it feels unkind iyswim.
Maybe it’s time to remind him that with his behaviour, he is being unkind towards you, your dc together and your family.

HouseBee · 11/09/2026 12:21

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 09:29

Just to stress, my mum wasn’t alone at any point. I don’t have siblings but there were lots of other family.

But I genuinely think in MIL’s mind she was really considerate by agreeing for us to spend DS’ first Christmas with my mum. I don’t think she realises through her requests for us to go round in the morning (which then took far too long) and then back again in the evening And because of the 2+ hours in the car that she ended up having more time with us.

Show quote history

That’s the issue.
She thinks she is being very kind when she isn’t . And no one is pulling her on it.

Original poster

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 12:13

Radioheads · 11/09/2026 11:49

Your husband sounds as awful as his mother.
I feel very sorry for your mother.
Only one child and she's being bullied by her husband and MIL.
I also feel very sorry for the child in the midst of this.
It's all about your husband and mother.
You and your child are just to be dominated and bullied.
This may be what you think a normal marriage looks like, but it really isn't.

You should consider counselling on your own to help you with self esteem and boundaries.

You have not married a good man from a nice family.

You were a new mother with a small baby, and he still insisted his mother's needs were his priority.

Such men are weak and selfish.
They put their wives and children last.

I strongly suggest counselling for you and that you think long and hard before you inflict this selfish man child on another child.

You deserve so much better, and so does your child.

I have no doubt your poor mum must be privately so concerned to see you so dominated by him and his family, I know I would be if you were my daughter.

How you haven't the Ick for your husband is amazing.

Very overly dramatic.

And you couldn’t be more wrong.

Have a nice day.

OP posts:

Radioheads · 11/09/2026 11:49

Your husband sounds as awful as his mother.
I feel very sorry for your mother.
Only one child and she's being bullied by her husband and MIL.
I also feel very sorry for the child in the midst of this.
It's all about your husband and mother.
You and your child are just to be dominated and bullied.
This may be what you think a normal marriage looks like, but it really isn't.

You should consider counselling on your own to help you with self esteem and boundaries.

You have not married a good man from a nice family.

You were a new mother with a small baby, and he still insisted his mother's needs were his priority.

Such men are weak and selfish.
They put their wives and children last.

I strongly suggest counselling for you and that you think long and hard before you inflict this selfish man child on another child.

You deserve so much better, and so does your child.

I have no doubt your poor mum must be privately so concerned to see you so dominated by him and his family, I know I would be if you were my daughter.

How you haven't the Ick for your husband is amazing.

Holeymoley28 · 11/09/2026 11:42

With a 7 week old baby your husband so zero care love or respect to you his healing wife or new born baby.

He was a shit husband bowing down to his mum. I hope he has more a back bone this year and if he doesn’t I hope you do.

redfishcat · 11/09/2026 11:36

The more you post and update us, the more appalled I am about the sheer control your MIL has over your lives, and over her son. You seem to be waking up to this and really do need a very firm setting of boundaries this year. Be really clear about your wants and needs and leave the moment the passive aggressive comments start.
You need a really clear way to say ‘ the conversation about the birthday, Mother’s Day, Easter is over. Any more comments and I will get up and go home.’
She is horrendous thinking she can claim all your time and plan all your days

Swiftie1878 · 11/09/2026 11:06

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 09:36

For people asking why on earth I agreed to last year, I mean it’s a good point.

All I can say really is that I was 7 weeks post partum on the day itself, so had an even younger newborn when initial discussions were going on. And I did push back but was under pressure from both DH and MIL.

Now that I think about it MIL actually wanted us to go round to hers the evening of Christmas Eve as well(!!) and I said no, not if we’re going in the morning already so at the time I felt like I had won that battle. I guess this is the crux of the problem, the original scale of the request is just SO unmanageable. I.e. 3 visits in less than 24 hours, that the ‘compromise’ still ends up being very far from ideal.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s. And while I could have pushed to stay at my mum’s longer, I didn’t want to end up getting home insanely late. Refusing to go at all would have essentially ruined Christmas from the fall out with DH and MIL. By that point it was a no-win situation.

Sit down with your DH and go through everything you’ve said in your posts here.
He sounds like a lovely man and will understand how you feel.
Then, TOGETHER, work out where your boundaries should be with the whole extended family for the years to come. For example, that you will alternate (properly!), and that some of the special days will NOT be spent with MIL, but she’ll have plenty of notice to get her head around it.

Write it all down. Then there’ll be no confusion or misunderstanding about what you’ve agreed. Then give DH the job of communicating your plan to his mother.

Good luck. xx

Bonkers1966 · 11/09/2026 10:41

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 09:36

For people asking why on earth I agreed to last year, I mean it’s a good point.

All I can say really is that I was 7 weeks post partum on the day itself, so had an even younger newborn when initial discussions were going on. And I did push back but was under pressure from both DH and MIL.

Now that I think about it MIL actually wanted us to go round to hers the evening of Christmas Eve as well(!!) and I said no, not if we’re going in the morning already so at the time I felt like I had won that battle. I guess this is the crux of the problem, the original scale of the request is just SO unmanageable. I.e. 3 visits in less than 24 hours, that the ‘compromise’ still ends up being very far from ideal.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s. And while I could have pushed to stay at my mum’s longer, I didn’t want to end up getting home insanely late. Refusing to go at all would have essentially ruined Christmas from the fall out with DH and MIL. By that point it was a no-win situation.

Well that's a husband problem.

SpringSnooze · 11/09/2026 10:26

OP, these updates are horrific. With a seven week old baby there is absolutely no way in the world you should have been going back and forth! That's genuinely appalling from your DH and your MIL.

I understand as someone with people pleasing tendencies, but if you won't stand up for yourself then it's easier to be assertive on behalf of your child. A newborn baby should not have been in the car for two hours getting passed around random aunts. A toddler should not be driven from pillar to post on Christmas Day to appease his grandmother. You have the right to make your own family Christmas traditions and now is the time to start - with an absolute refusal to travel between different houses on the day. That is not the kind of Christmas you want your child to have.

Julietta05 · 11/09/2026 10:24

Show your DH this thread!

Julietta05 · 11/09/2026 10:24

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 09:36

For people asking why on earth I agreed to last year, I mean it’s a good point.

All I can say really is that I was 7 weeks post partum on the day itself, so had an even younger newborn when initial discussions were going on. And I did push back but was under pressure from both DH and MIL.

Now that I think about it MIL actually wanted us to go round to hers the evening of Christmas Eve as well(!!) and I said no, not if we’re going in the morning already so at the time I felt like I had won that battle. I guess this is the crux of the problem, the original scale of the request is just SO unmanageable. I.e. 3 visits in less than 24 hours, that the ‘compromise’ still ends up being very far from ideal.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s. And while I could have pushed to stay at my mum’s longer, I didn’t want to end up getting home insanely late. Refusing to go at all would have essentially ruined Christmas from the fall out with DH and MIL. By that point it was a no-win situation.

I think I would remind you'd DH how the last Christmas was and how you felt and how unrealistic and ridiculous the arrangement was and say what you want. You need to be clear that in the end he decided to have his own family and that comes with consequences.

MsPrufrockk · 11/09/2026 10:19

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 09:36

For people asking why on earth I agreed to last year, I mean it’s a good point.

All I can say really is that I was 7 weeks post partum on the day itself, so had an even younger newborn when initial discussions were going on. And I did push back but was under pressure from both DH and MIL.

Now that I think about it MIL actually wanted us to go round to hers the evening of Christmas Eve as well(!!) and I said no, not if we’re going in the morning already so at the time I felt like I had won that battle. I guess this is the crux of the problem, the original scale of the request is just SO unmanageable. I.e. 3 visits in less than 24 hours, that the ‘compromise’ still ends up being very far from ideal.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s. And while I could have pushed to stay at my mum’s longer, I didn’t want to end up getting home insanely late. Refusing to go at all would have essentially ruined Christmas from the fall out with DH and MIL. By that point it was a no-win situation.

So do you understand yet that you need to be firmer with your DH? You say he feels bad for your MIL, are you sure it's not just that your feelings don't matter as much to him?

Easilyforgotten · 11/09/2026 10:10

DH, if we had spent much longer with my Mum than yours on Christmas Day last year, arriving at yours far later than originally intended, and then rushed off almost before we had digested the dinner she had cooked for us, would you be saying she had had her 'turn'?
I don't know how your Mum reacted to this but as you haven't said I imagine she took it with good grace and didn't want to add to your stress, however from her perspective she would have grounds to be upset in my opinion. I think MIL is a selfish baggage and DH's kind nature needs to expand beyond just his own Mum.

Kroovy · 11/09/2026 09:57

I think you need to be firm, and being firm is being kind (to both yourselves and your children).

It doesn’t work for you as a young family to do so much travelling. You need to put yourselves and your kids first - it’s not fun for anyone, especially for young ones who just want to play with their toys and chill on Christmas morning anyway. I would say you are only doing Christmas Eve (or day of choice) and you’ll FaceTime Christmas. This will be your life forever otherwise.

Retro12 · 11/09/2026 09:53

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 09:36

For people asking why on earth I agreed to last year, I mean it’s a good point.

All I can say really is that I was 7 weeks post partum on the day itself, so had an even younger newborn when initial discussions were going on. And I did push back but was under pressure from both DH and MIL.

Now that I think about it MIL actually wanted us to go round to hers the evening of Christmas Eve as well(!!) and I said no, not if we’re going in the morning already so at the time I felt like I had won that battle. I guess this is the crux of the problem, the original scale of the request is just SO unmanageable. I.e. 3 visits in less than 24 hours, that the ‘compromise’ still ends up being very far from ideal.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s. And while I could have pushed to stay at my mum’s longer, I didn’t want to end up getting home insanely late. Refusing to go at all would have essentially ruined Christmas from the fall out with DH and MIL. By that point it was a no-win situation.

Set your boundaries this year now... I still think you have a husband problem, he took your kindness for a weakness, why does his family trump yours?

Original poster

carkey26 · 11/09/2026 09:36

For people asking why on earth I agreed to last year, I mean it’s a good point.

All I can say really is that I was 7 weeks post partum on the day itself, so had an even younger newborn when initial discussions were going on. And I did push back but was under pressure from both DH and MIL.

Now that I think about it MIL actually wanted us to go round to hers the evening of Christmas Eve as well(!!) and I said no, not if we’re going in the morning already so at the time I felt like I had won that battle. I guess this is the crux of the problem, the original scale of the request is just SO unmanageable. I.e. 3 visits in less than 24 hours, that the ‘compromise’ still ends up being very far from ideal.

And I was really annoyed with DH on the day. We were only supposed to be there about 2 hours but DH was reluctant to leave. It was all: we have to see DB2 and he hasn’t arrived yet, aunt XYZ hasn’t had a chance to hold DS. Then DS actually needed feeding / changing etc while we had yet to set off so we ended up there way longer than I had agreed to. Then shortly after dinner at my mum’s had finished obviously DH was like we need to go back to MIL’s. And while I could have pushed to stay at my mum’s longer, I didn’t want to end up getting home insanely late. Refusing to go at all would have essentially ruined Christmas from the fall out with DH and MIL. By that point it was a no-win situation.

OP posts: