AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

You didn't read it at all!

Not the same as such but we had similar with my stepkids and how Xmas day looked in regards to us seeing them (alternated every year) and then the family seeing them. Fitting everyone in was very chaotic… so after 2 years of running us and them ragged we decided it was going to be X & Y, and everyone had to suck it up!

to give an example of how we ended up -
morning at home
lunch at my parents (who could accommodate us all, in-laws couldn’t)
see the in laws
home
BUT my parents invited in-laws to them late afternoon so we actually only ever needed to go home, parents, home. Could anything be done to involve everyone at once?

how I’d look at the request this year for you - morning at home, dinner at in laws, parents house and then home. No back & fore! Your little one will thank you long term for not being traipsed about and actually getting some time to enjoy their Xmas pressies!

i don’t like that MIL dictates for you, boundaries need set in place for that!

Well if that's what you're reading I recommend Specsavers. DH's mother is expecting that every significant day is spent with her and so far she's got it.OP is wanting ONE Christmas with her mother for a change. The complete opposite of what you've written, in fact.

Were two relatively young people who are working out how to do things with a new young family, and navigating both our mothers being widowed early.

Well sorry OP but to me it sounds like you're trying to work things out and navigate while DH is going Mum Mum Mum. I wish you luck with this Christmas but I think I know where you'll be.

We had to do this with my MIL. She wants to see people on their actual birthday or at Christmas. DH has AuDHD so finds her quite overwhelming so he firmly told her no a few years ago to coming round on birthdays because we want that day for our own celebrations and not have to stay in and wait for visitors / host. The day before wasn’t good enough, it had to be on the day. We took our youngest to Chester Zoo one year. Bear in mind to travel there from where we live is over 2hrs drive. We got up and set off really early. Ring doorbell notification came through at 9am of her at the door with presents. She had been told for weeks not to come round as we wouldn’t be in, she still came. DH spoke to her through the camera and she said she would come back after dinner if we wouldn’t let her in. Told that we weren’t in and away for the day and wouldn’t be back until late, visit tomorrow. Didn’t see her for two weeks and she withheld my son’s presents. Christmas is still a nightmare and we plan to pretend we aren’t in this year! She’s had options suggested and we have made our plans known.

Start talking about it in terms of DS's Birthday week. and Christmas week.. so that any day in that week becomes a day on which to celebrate these things.

She sounds really uncompromising.. which means she's not going to meet half way and so you are left with doing what you want to do or caving and letting her dictate to you.

Having to see her twice on Christmas day and spending a lot of time in the car going too and fro was not anything to do with you, DH and DS enjoying a relaxing Christmas. It was all about dancing attendance on her and was purely selfish.

You need to nip this in the bud,, reassure her that she will get to see DS etc but that make it tactfully clear, if there is resistance that she is not in charge of organising your timetable and dictating what you do and when. Assure her that she will have a fair share but its up to you and DH to decide when that happens.

Its a pain, but its helpful to have your calendar well planned out.. so that you can say you have booked in a firm arrangement for a b c ... and you know this is coming up for DS birthday and Christmas so come up with a plan and tell her the arrangement well in advance. Have your points ready to show why this plan works for everyone.

Def nbu, tell her your plans well in advance so she can get used to the idea, and no more compromising, she's not the Queen and not the boss of you

😂😂 This is wild and such a typical MN overreaction 🙄

“‼️STOP 🛑 ✋🏻you’re being bullied, get counselling, LTB, poor kid” 😂😂
Jesus Christ 🙄 🤦🏼‍♀️

I can honestly say I have never met anyone who has had counselling, let alone for managing family Christmas visiting time schedules 😵‍💫🤷🏼‍♀️
Is it just me? Or do people just get counselling for anything and everything now?
World’s gone mad 😵‍💫

It's hard to please everyone so we just started to say when we were going to visit everyone. Occasions like Christmas day used to be going to both families and GPs and we never got home til late. So we split it over 2 days, less rush, extends the Christmas magic. No one had a problem with it at all.

So I know you have said earlier you don’t want to stay home with dh and DS on Xmas day. However, this is what we do. We stay home at Xmas because DS just wants to play with his toys. I host dmil and my parents and whatever family on either side need hosted that year. They aren’t allowed to visit before 1 pm. We have family time until 1pm and then madness thereafter.

when it is DS birthday. My mum does a birthday tea and we all go there including dmil. DMIL doesn’t prepare food. She eats at different family members / we send her meals in a normal week. It isn’t a can’t situation more a won’t. So she is fine not hosting.

however birthdays aren’t necessarily on the day. It is a convenient day for us all.

So your Mother sees you and DH and DC on Christmas Day, but not DH Mother? Is that what I’m reading.
And her being a tad miffed is overstepping.?
And she can’t see her DGC on his Birthday? And it’s heinous that she wants to?
And everyone on here agrees?

She needs to start fitting around you. And if she gets upset then so be it, she's a grown woman for goodness sake! Good luck and enjoy YOUR day's

Nope!!! Don't invite her anywhere, and simply say this is what's happening sorry but I decide what's happening with my family. and if hubby doesn't like it, 🤔 tough tits. Tell him not to bother coming the zoo too. 😑

You say “ she’s a really lovely woman “ ….. these characteristics don’t quite fit with that description .
just be gentle but firm .

She’s gotta learn to share!!! Or take her with you! Let her know you love her anyway but there are other people to think about!

Do you rotate? That's what we do with my parent and my partner's parents. One year Xmas at my parents, next and in laws, then start again
We travel to family so we haven't celebrated at home (except from COVID year) honestly I would much rather have our personal celebrations but I understand how important it is for grandparents too.

Spot on!

What happens when your child is old enough to go to school, and have after-school activities, and not be available on the precise dates she demands?
Best to get her used to the concept now, rather than still be dealing with this kind of stress for the next 20 years.

Also that as he gets older, he'll be celebrating his own mother (ie you) on Mothers Day. It is not Grandmothers Day.

It's your DH who should be making the effort to see your MIL on that date, as you have your own mother to visit/ take flowers to/ treat to lunch/ whatever you choose to do to mark it.

Similarly, it's time to start your own little family's traditions and ways to celebrate things like Xmas. Maybe your MIL could be invited to drop by for a couple of hours on the day itself, or Xmas eve, or Boxing Day. It WBU for her to expect you to always drive to hers.

You cant please everyone, so just dig your heels in and please yourself.

Very common problem. Tell her you can't be split in 3 ways; as much as you'd like to spend time with her you can't always accommodate her wishes. When she suggests doing X in front of your DH and you, remark immediately "that you will both need to discuss it first to ensure no other plans have to be dropped". She'll soon understand that you and your DH now operate as a unit, one or other is not for turning. She's being unreasonable but could come around once boundaries are set.

Great, so this year, your DH understands why it can't happy again, yes?

But not wanting to upset his mum cannot be at your expense. And he needs to not put you in a position to go along with things because you want to avoid "fallout". Christmas is not that long ago so he needs a quick change of attitude before the next one.

Totally understand how what happened last year happened. You had a newborn but you're right that now you need to set boundaries.

If you are happy to see both in the day then majority at your Mums (as she missed out last year) and evening with MIL. No budging.

If you'd prefer to spend a whole day with Mum or just with DH and baby. Let her know thats the plan and offer her one of the other day over Christmas and New Year.

Have DH siblings got partners? What Happens with seeing their families? Do they have kids?

With Mothers Day either you spend it with DS and see your Mum and DH sees his Mum or you could all go together for a meal or coffee and cake.

I drop a card and flowers off for my Mum on the Saturday and DH drops a card/flowers off during the week when he can get over due to work and we spend Mothers Day just us. Same for Father's Day but I know this isn't a popular set up on mums etc.

As for birthdays, you make a plan invite or not. That's your decision. Most people I know see family around the birthday date rather then religiously on the day.

Good Luck.