AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

His family dynamic is not good for your relationship so he need to change it.
Boundaries are difficult for people I get the feeling his mother is the matriarch and what she says goes. She will not be happy with even the slightest change imo

If it's 'the least you can do', what is your husband's explanation for why you don't do the same for your DM? YANBU. This isn't normal, she is very demanding.

What you are suggesting isn’t taking anything away from your MIL. You are in fact suggesting an entire day, a day where you will be fully rested, engaged and your children will be happier because they won’t be travelling all day. You ARE spending part of the Christmas period with her (more time!) same with seeing her around Mother’s Day! You are NOT being unreasonable or ungrateful, this is a compromise that will make you all feel so much better. If love and support is conditional, it’s not worth the gilded cage. You need to put your foot down. You are important too. You need to live as you mean to go on because you will suffer and so will your marriage. Honestly good luck x

Would definitely cut back on the childcare, at least for a while. Explain it’s because she seems to equate it with you repaying by being dictated to and it doesn’t work for you. And reject the crap she keeps buying. “Kind of you to think of us, but we really don’t need another wind chime/monumental ostrich/vintage radio. Why don’t you keep it?”

Your DH doesn’t actually get to speak for you though.

If it’s the least he can do, let him get on with it and you do something else. I suspect he’ll soon change his mind.

You need to establish an overarching principle - that is really crucial.

The principle is that you and DH are decent people and that you will ensure that over time things are balanced and fair.

But that more than anything else, you must, as parents, put the needs of your own family unit and especially your DC first. (this will become much more important as your DC gets older).

You won't be putting her own demands (say 'any other family member's wishes') in front of those - you're sure she can see that this is the natural way of things.

Otherwise for the rest of your life you will be constantly offending her and trying to compensate. You really need to nip this in the bud now.

Crikey, OP. Stop this now.

Special days = just you, DH and DC. You’ll do something with each mother/family around the time but not on the day.

Say no, mean it, offer an alternative and let them make their choice. They don’t get to dictate. It’s absolutely ridiculous that you are bowing to these demands.

Jesus @carkey26 some of these replies are unhinged.
You are not being unreasonable but your MIL is and your DH is facilitating her behaviour.

In your efforts to accommodate your DHs family you’re neglecting your own (you & DH) and your DM is getting caught up in it too.

Theres no need for drama, but it is time to have a conversation with your DH about expectations and boundaries or else you’ll end up exploding and that’s not great for anyone. Tell your MIL that you’d like get the balance right this year and that you and DH are doing xyz.

I’m not one for stating boundaries in this way but you sound like you need to 😬

We like to think that when we get married and have children we make one big family but the way it works in modern life is you make three interlocking families. You have to find balance so that no one family is driving all of the decisions. My family are local and see us frequently for short visits. My in-laws are far away and see us less frequently for longer visits. We try to find balance so that they all get similar quality time over the year.

We don't have any hard and fast rules but base it around what are the family needs. 7 weeks post partum and 1st Christmas without my dad, my mother without her husband. Every day of the week my partner and MIL would say that my family get the pick of the day and we can do Christmas with them on another suitable day.

I think it would be useful to go through the last year and write down all the times you have had had to change plans on how you would like the celebrate as your own little family and your broader family. You are going to tie yourself in knots if you don't break the cycle.

My daughter and son have their birthdays close together, we were on holiday with my in-laws on my daughters birthday so we celebrated with my family afterwards. I gave my family first refusal for celebrating my son's birthday on his actual birthday but they said they are happy to do it on another day and in the end did a joint birthday party for both children with my family in the middle of their birthdays and it worked really well. My in-laws came up for the actual birthday.

Christmas depends on which family has had the worst year, it is a time where you reflect more on the empty chairs and extra stars in the sky and that means more to us than counting who's had the most hours with us on Christmas day. My parents have had the last two Christmas days. This year (touch wood) there have been no significant issues so I have spoken to my MIL and asked if she would like to come up earlier and spend Christmas day with us. She thought about it and has said yes. We will do Christmas with my family another day.

Easter we always go to my in-laws as it's 4h away and we can go down for a week with minimal days off and not have to worry about term time.

My mum and niece both have birthdays on bank holiday weekends so those two holidays we spend with my family more often than not.

One of us has a family birthday near mother's day and the other fathers day so that's how we split those. Some times celebrating on the mother's day/father's day and other years on the birthday so we get the mother's/father's day to ourselves.

There is give and take from all of us and I think that is key as then no one person feels like they are getting a raw deal. For many years my partner and I did Christmas apart and celebrate new year together. My mum was I need to see you on Christmas day person. Then one Christmas my partner had a rotten Christmas as a relative was on end of life care, they didn't pass then but did later in the year. My mum immediately said that I should go to them the following year as my partner and his family needed family around them more than she did and since the children have come along she's even more balanced - although I do sometimes prewarn my dad or sisters about our plans so that they can be other rational voices.

How does it work with the rest of your husbands family?

Bless you it sounds as if you are trying to be kind to everyone. I have read more of the thread and see why the family zoo day and full Christmas at yours won’t work. How about offering to pay for an Uber for her to come for an hour - or another son picking her up.

Once they are past the newborn stage babies need a nap structure. Are other family members thinking of that ?

I absolutely guarantee you have met people who have had counselling. They just kept it to themselves

You want to get help for that comprehension problem.

Newish granny here. Eldest GC is nearly 2, My youngest was one last week. She would have enjoyed the zoo - but she had a beach party instead. I went. So did the other GPs - we would not have expected her to be brought to us. We share childcare so we do get on. We want to see her, we do the traveling.

Can you invite MIL to the zoo with you? If not you offer a one hour window before or after your trip for grandparents to bring the present. It might be nice to say that you are blowing the candle at that point of the day. Both grandparents - make the point of the reasonableness of the share.

As for Christmas - don’t do a vicar of Dibley on your family. You alternate between families and make a video call.

For Mother’s Day - it is your time to bask in the glory. DH can get up early and take his mum her bunch of flowers if he wants - but you spend your day with your daughter, go out for lunch or a picnic or have a duvet. What YOU (and DH) want.

If you don’t do this now you will build up so much resentment. Do it.

I thought that perhaps she was an elderly lonely lady but if she's going to her other son on Xmas day and will see you there, that's enough. Her demands are ridiculous.

I think it’s good that you are looking to resolve this now. It will be worse if you leave it, hoping it will get better or avoiding the difficult conversations. It won’t get better without your action. It will only get worse and your resentment will build.
have you had another chat with your DH yet?
I think you need to decide
what you think is best for your DS birthday and Christmas. Once you decide what you want speak with DH to see how much aligns. It’s then that DMIL will need to be told- she needs to know that this is coming from both of you.
(it sounds like you’re trying to be fair and placate everyone to the detriment of your own family time. That chaotic Christmas running around everywhere sounds ghastly.

Yes, my mum said the same when I had my son! Sometimes me and my son see her on Mother's Day, sometimes we don't, and those years me and my sister always take her out for lunch on one of the days around it.

Wow what a massive PIA!! I have 2 sons and am close to them both but if I ever behaved like your MIL I’d want a slap!! My own mother told me , when I became a mum “I’ve had plenty of mothers days with you already, so we can do something on another day” how unselfish is that! Far removed form your MIL unfortunately. I hope your DH helps with compromising!!

it does - but even if MIL was widowed and your mother not that shouldnt mean that she dictates how you spend every Christmas!

I generally find it sad when people say (as they do on here, a lot) "i just want our own little family at Christmas" as though they're not part of a bigger family.

And ignore everyone who hasn't ever walked the tension rope between exactly what would have suited them best and what would please others, and who had a bit of trial and error in their parenting and relationship boundaries. They are blessed with never having put a foot wrong.

Tricky situation. You need to set up a routine for this and I am sure you will be able to. As others have said your husband needs to be on your side and talk to his mum. I married a mummys boy and it was so difficult I feel for you. I have a son in his twenties and I never want to be that mother in law.

It was scary reading this because I could have written it myself - down to my babies first birthday in November too lol

I find it very annoying too over the years I’ve tried to set a boundary but I just accept it now however you don’t have to don’t inconvenience yourself and try and put your foot down

Apols, pressed the wrong button. YANBU.

OP, you are young, I'm certainly not.
But your story is not unique.

You may call my post embarrassing, however, I am not the person with a husband that completely disregarded me and my wishes, 7 weeks after I had our first son decades ago, to put his mother first.

I have read many many posts like yours over the years on MN, where men are focused solely on keeping their Mummy happy, at the expense of their wife and children.

Those are never happy women, with happy lives. They are usually disappointed and regretful that they and their children are not his priority, whilst being understanding of his mother.

They deeply regret not being firm with their boundaries, and they often regret their marriages as a result.

You may be happy with 3 in the marriage, where his mother comes first, but I certainly have never come across such a woman.

"Start as you mean to go" is a wise expression for a reason.

I wish you well. If you are not firm about your needs, and that of your new family being a priority, I have no doubt you will be back on MN again.

You set the agenda. She will have to fit in with you

You sound very accommodating to both your MIL and your DM, not to mention DH. But I would suggest you do what you want to do, when it comes to your DC and special days. You have to put your foot down now and say no to DH. Otherwise you’ll tie yourself in knots and end up resentful of all of them.
if your MIL and Mum both get plenty of time with DC and there are other family members to take some of the pressure off of you, just use it. Just say “it’s too much for DC” or we are establishing a routine or say you have a headache. You are the one with all the work here. They wol
soon get used to it.