AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

Maybe actually read the OPs posts. You can do that by clicking see all on the first post. Then you'll see this isn't at all the case.

What does your DH think about spending all these days with his mum?

His insistence you stay at MIL's until everyone has turned up and held the baby sounds like he might actually agree with MIL that you should all be spending most of the day there. If he does agree, and isn't just placating her, it's going to be trickier to handle.

What you described about last Christmas really didn’t paint him in a good light. Your first Christmas without your dad, 7 weeks post partem and he made you late to your mums and then insisted you left earlier than you’d want so that he could have the Christmas he wanted. It was really selfish, and the post might have been dramatic but I think it’s healthy to acknowledge that actually he was a massive twat to you that day and start standing up for yourself as it doesn’t sound like he’s going to

I would very firmly say if it comes with strings like this I dont want presents or help from her. If you can’t recognise I matter and my Christmas matters and my mum matters just as much as yours , I am going to start returning her presents. I don’t want them if they mean shitty tiring celebration days for everything that’s focussed on your mum not us or my mum. Should I start bagging up presents to return or do you want to think about this more? My mum gives us a lot, she’s just not also selfishly manipulative about it.

There are remedial reading courses you can take.

Don't take a post out of context. Read the whole fucking thread. That is a total mischaracterization of what OP has said in her posts.

Well last Christmas sounds horrendous for you at 7 weeks post partum. I think you need to agree a system of something like:

Y1 Christmas Day your mum, Boxing Day mil
Y2 Christmas Day mil, Boxing Day your mum

and repeat.

All this zooming around from house to house isn’t sustainable or fair on your DC.

Your biggest issue of course is going to be getting your DH on board.

I’d also be really firm about the birthday and keep talking in terms of ‘Well his birthday with the family is the party day. Just consider that his birthday because we won’t be available on the actual day.’ And just carry on with your plans and if she keeps going with ‘As long as I see him for an hour in the day’ just keep reiterating calmly ‘Oh no, remember MIL, that isn’t going to work on the actual day. Your birthday with him is on the Saturday’

Good luck - you need to nail this now or you will continue to have issues with this as time goes on. Sit your DH down for a serious chat!

I actually think, especially given the details in your later post, that a "no, actually you've had two years in a row now" response would be a reasonable way to push back.

Point out that it wasn't the plan, but on they day MiL and DH's instance meant you missed a large chunk of the time with your own mum and that the pushiness created an unfair strain on you that robbed the day of the joy it should have held. Make sure they hear that, especially DH but if it doesn't make him hold the line, then MiL too - that they spoiled your Christmas by pushing for you to fulfill MiLs/DHs desires with no thought to your own family or what you want. And they do the same with other days.

Don't be nasty about it, but say you aren't prepared to put up with it again and from now on you will have a very strong boundary about it and won't be changing your mind - because if you don't they push and it's horrid.

It's not mean or ungrateful to want to celebrate your special days with your husband and children and make your own traditions.

Mother's Day - this should really be your husband's responsibility. "Mom, the kids and I are taking your name out for the day to celebrate as a surprise. Would you like to join us for an evening meal to celebrate all the mum's and grandma's?" You can compromise on this by offering her overnights with kids on valentines days or anniversaries or a weekend so you can take yourself off somewhere and have grown up fun.

Christmas - my brother told us last year that they would now be celebrating Christmas day at home as they want their kids Christmases to be as lovely as ours were at home when we were young and want to celebrate their own way. They invited both sides of the family over on Christmas eve with a massive picky bits buffet, games and a movie and the grandparents put the kids to bed and read them a story which they loved. They asked our parents to take the kids on boxing day, his in laws will have them boxing day next year and they had a beach walk with the dog.

Kids birthdays - I think everyone is right who says have a family celebration day on a different day and keep the actual birthday for yourselves. Again, it's up to your husband to communicate this in a gentle way.

She might feel insecure and you say she is lovely, make sure to emphasise that it's not about shutting her out or keeping her away. Deliver the messages with love, ensuring she gets lots of quality time with the family as a part of life will help her be less possessive of special days. Maybe regular babysitting on date nights or a family meal meet up a couple of times a month?

Slightly dramatic, maybe. But the PP does have a point. I can’t believe you were ferrying your newborn around to placate her and that your husband had bought into this! Mental. I would have said no and that’s it. I would suggest growing more of a backbone and you’ll be glad of it in the long term.

I do think you should push back this year and make sure your DM gets the amount of time your MIL got last year. Judging from last year, having Christmas Day means the dinner. So either you spend the whole morning with your DM and arrive at BIL's for dinner, or you leave straight after dinner to spend the afternoon and early evening with your DM. If your DH argues about it then it's confused face "but this is what we did last year for your mum except I've saved us the extra car journey". Then next year you can suggest that maybe that's a bit much for the little one and cut down the MIL family visit. But don't allow one thing for his family and another thing for yours.

Your husband will begin to begrudge that he gets to miss out on his own sons celebration if you celebrate without him there and he’s at mums as it’s the least he can do :)

The trouble with your MIL is she wants you and your family to forgoe your own needs and wants and put her first. She uses guilt and family expectations like a weapon and your husband is used to letting her get her own way. You have to put your foot down and tell her she doesn’t get to be centre stage, you have your own mum to consider and as a young family you don’t want to be racing around trying to please everyone. Your husband is free to see her whenever he wants so if he starts wringing his hands when she complains then tell him to spend the day with her whilst you enjoy your time celebrating with your dc.

So basically you actually want to spend every Christmas With your family! That’s not what you were making out, I suspect this happens a lot and irs her way of pushing back at being left out!

Did she do all that for her own mother, I wonder??

It seems there are a lot of people like your MIL from the replies on this thread…. Ignore OP!

You are not unreasonable, you’ve been MORE than accommodating but you do need some boundaries if your DH won’t.

The Mothers Day one is really sad. You should do what you want to do and your DH pops to your MIL for a bit. Not cancel your whole day!

Your son is young. Put your foot down down now or you've got many many years of dancing to this tune.

Has your MIL never heard of compromise?
X

You still have to cook and wash up! If you have nice family, being hosted is a real treat.

I am not tslking sbout hosting, just being at home for christmas with the partner and kid(s)

Not everyone wants to do Christmas at home and be stuck with all the cooking and hosting faff. Going to my in laws is like going to a lovely all inclusive hotel with on site childcare, bliss!

YABU to have pandered to her in the first place. It was frustrating reading your post. There's a very simple word in the English language: "no" - use it. And the more you use it, the easier it will be to use. DH can deal with the backlash from her, it's not your problem, so stop making it.

You have to stop letting her steal your precious family moments, so start saying no, or getting your DH to, and stand FIRM, no wavering, FIRM and don't give in.

I understand not wanting to upset his mum, but the alternative is upsetting you and unsettling your child. He is not going to be able to keep everyone happy - make it clear you expect him to prioritise you and your child.

I also had a young baby last Christmas (early November 👋) and I have a toddler - babies are portable, toddlers far less so. You might just about get away with driving hither and thither again this year but by next year it will simply not be possible.

And two visits in one day to the same relative is batshit. If your husband can’t see that, you really do have a bit of a problem there.

yeah no. When does the OP get HER christmas in HER home.

Your MIL has all her kids bar one at home - she’s not isolated - your mum is. Put your foot down and tell her this. Your mum only has you and she’s your priority. You’ll see MIL around Christmas and birthdays but your priority is to make sure your mum isn’t alone. She can’t argue with that.

OP, the temptation here is to acquiesce to your husband and his "it's the least we can do"......

But where EXACTLY does that get YOU?
You are not happy.
Your needs are not being respected.
You do not end up spending holidays and special days as you wish.

Who wins if you acquiesce?
Who's needs are met?

You are so young and marriage is often a long road.

"Start as you mean to go"....even if it takes a row.

Giving in now will mean you are always on the back foot.
Inevitably you will be told you are being difficult, causing a fuss, and upsetting everyone....just to be heard.

THIS is how women are bullied, dominated and their needs never met.

Very very few women in a happy equitable marriage, has not had to hold her line firmly on some subject are other.

Establishing boundaries, your line in the sand, is very healthy and normal.
This is an important part of marriage.

Those that don't end up being heard, are disrespected, dismissed, and generally treated as if their needs and preferences are unimportant.

I get this is hard and exhausting, but this is you protecting yourself, your future happiness, and you marriages success.

It is critical you are heard.