AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

He needs to care about the family that he choose to create first. You and DS should be his priority. You can care for your mum without riding roughshod over your wife and kids.

Share Mother's day with her...maybe alternate years with your Mum

Invite her to the Zoo

Your child was 1 month old last Christmas - easily portable.

This year will be different - overtired toddlers are a nightmare and need a bedtime and not carting around.
I use my kids as a reason, additionally it's ridiculous to continue like this, you and your husband are creating a little family of your own and she's not entitled to every day that's special.

It’s her fixation. You don’t need to get past
it, she does. You just need to say No, and stick to it. Both of you. If she’s as lovely as you think she’ll accept this gracefully.

If not, then you’ll see her as a controlling bully. Either way you need to set boundaries now or this will be your life going forward. Good luck.

As others have said, DH needs to grow a backbone.

Good luck

Not equally as unwilling to upset you though is he. Rearranging your Mother’s Day for his mother’s?

Try asking her why she thinks she should take priority over everyone else -it would be interesting to hear how she justifies it.

I would have zero tolerance for this nonsense, she doesn’t get to insist on anything.

The acceptable options in her mind for Christmas, for example, are your parents never seeing their grandchild, or you always dragging yourselves and a young child to various houses on Christmas Day. How can anyone not understand the level of selfishness this shows?

But just say no. She can’t make you do anything!

I’d be telling her very firmly that if she carries on like this, you won’t be seeing her at all. I hear New Zealand offers a great quality of life for families.

As is so often the way, you have a DH problem. Tell him to grow a backbone and stop prioritising his mother over his wife.

If he is unwilling to do so, you'll need to have enough backbone for the two of you and set boundaries. She won't like it. There will inevitably be bad feeling and pushing of those boundaries. You need to be strong enough to endure his, until the new way becomes the status quo.

I would have poor tolerance for this rubbish.
Say no, that doesn’t work for us.
Let DH do all the communicating with her, she’s so self centred .

You need your husband to be on your team and agree way forward. You won't make MIL change without him in your corner.

Ask your husband, If seeing you for a couple of hours on the day is MIL's idea of compromise, what does her ideal situation look like?

Does he find that a normal and reasonable request? Does her ideal situation consider (AT ALL) the other family, or your immediate family? Or is she being self-centered/overbearing.

Seeing you on the day for a few hours, for every special occassion is not a reasonable compromise at all for a rational person, who appreciates young families are pulled in multiple directions.

You have to be as good at 'insisting' as she is! She's had her own way for far too long. Set firm boundaries now or this will go on forever.

this sounds so grating - set boundaries now. The first year with a new baby is usually a great opportunity to get selfish.

re DS birthday - he won't remember the zoo so do something you and DH want to do. If you want to invite family members to come along for the day then do so but if not suggest you do a "birthday" tea a day or 2 either side for cake and candles + grandparents. if she doesnt like it, tough shit. if she protests about Christmas/Mother's day again say "do you realise that I am also a mother, and I also have a mother myself?"

Your husband needs to be very firm and not pussyfoot around it. She is not his priority anymore, you and your child are. She cannot always have her own way and you have your own family who also want to see you at Christmas, most people I know alternate family Christmases. Just be very clear that these points are not up for discussion, if she gets upset so be it and if she doesn't agree to see you on a different day when you have plans elsewhere she doesn't get to see you at all and thats her fault.

Yes you need to set stricter boundaries. For a start, it's not fair to your family if MIL gets all the special occasions and secondly you should be able to do what works best for your DC on their own birthday. We never see family directly on DCs birthday unless it falls at the weekend. It's reasonable to alternate Christmas/Mother's Day etc between your family, DHs family, just the 3 of you if you wish.

The issue here really is your DH. He needs to stand up to his mum and say 'no we can't see you on Johnny's birthday as we'll be at the zoo and he'll be tired afterwards, but we'd love to have a tea party with you on the Saturday'. If she kicks off and sulks, so be it. Tricky if your DH won't agree to it though.