AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

Been there, done that. Say no, and mean it. Do not get dragged into any kind of debate or discussion.

After an initial discussion with my DH, I also refused any further discussion with him. Just made sure it was fair so they had no come back to me.

So in this scenario I would state for DS's birthday we will have birthday tea on Saturday. All invited. We are busy on the day of DS's birthday.

And refuse to respond to anyone about it.

For us it worked out. Had a healthy relationship in the end.

Mind you, moving 400 miles away also helped...

Boundaries! My DH is the same with his family but is slowly getting better - MIL sulks but it is what it is. With DC birthdays, we do a family day out somewhere, just the four of us. Then I do a little birthday tea the day after/closest weekend for family. I got fed up of rushing around stressed catering to everyone and not getting to actually enjoy the day or spend quality time with my own DC! The same for Christmas, it’s probably fairest to alternate some years but i’d not be wasting my time travelling between multiple places in one day.

It sounds like she's lives near enough that you could stick to a tradition of seeing her in the evening for her birthday, although this might have to be a short visit once homework/extra curricular activities kick in.

Perhaps she could have the option of either sharing the other actual days (eg Mothering Sunday/ Christmas / Easter every 2nd or 3rd year) or having every year, but on the Eve or the 'Boxing day' of each occasion.

Then she can have her own traditions with grandchild/ren for Birthday Eves and Christmas Eve and so on. Maybe she therefore gives them their first birthday present or first Easter egg every year. Then she's a key part of every celebration, but you get the actual days back.

See I don’t get this at all. There’d be no bargaining, it’s just no, we’re busy that day. While also being fair and spending some special occasions with her. But then that’s because I’m on the same page with my DP, and I wouldn’t let my DM insist on anything we weren’t comfortable with

Is she depressed or dreadfully anxious or something? Is your husband the only child? She sounds like hard work.

Unfortunately (for her) she really needs to accept as is incredibly normal in a lot of families once kids leave home and start their own families, that Christmases alternate, or you (OP) could host and everyone comes to you.

Some days, can she not join you on your activities? Can she come to the zoo with you, is there some reason she can't come to your home on these special days? Mothers day is a bit pointless when your child is a baby as they can't do anything for you, that could be a compromise that mothers day you go to her, but grandsons birthday she joins you on your thing?

This sounds like my idea of hell although from your earlier comments it appears you pretty much welcomed it in the early stages.

A life without independence is no life, it’s an existence.

This

Surely this year is Xmas at home ?fairer on a dc who will wnat to play with his gifts not dragged around placating a grown woman ?

I don't understand why someone outside your household is dictating anything to you.

You didn't spend your own Mother's day how you wanted to?? Your partner is over 18 - an adult. He doesn't have to see his mother on that day. Meanwhile, you have a baby (I assume) and you were expected to prioritise her?? I wouldn't even reply to someone like that.

Tell her your plans and any objections: just reply to say you're happy with your plans and looking forward to seeing her another day. Then mute until after the birthday.

Next Christmas: spend it at home, just you and your immediate family. Visit both extended families on different days so she can't complain about favouritism.

Your DH didn’t learn to be a mummies boy from nowhere! It’s been ingrained into him that his mothers wishes take priority above all else, so it will be up to you to instil boundaries with the MIL. She sounds self absorbed and selfish.
DH needs to learn to switch his loyalty to you and your little family’s best interests above his mother’s demands now.

he could have an open conversation with her - Mum you've made it clear that spending time on the actual day is really important to you. The challenge is that it's not always going to be possible. I worry that you are equating spending time on the day with proof that we love you, and the two arent the same thing. We love you, there is no doubt about that. and we dont want this obsession with the day itself getting in the way of us spending quality time with you to celebrate milestones.

that sort of thing. foes your DH have any idea why she is like this? i there history of her feeling excluded by other relatives?

You've been gar to accommodating that now its just an expectation you will fall in with what she says. It needs nipping now before it gets worse.

She needs to understand you want time just you, DH and DC and also, you are allowed to spend time with your family. It might not always feel fair to her but it is what it is.

The issue is 'she insists' and you guys do as you are told. Shouldn't been stopped at the beginning. Sorry! But it's not too late to set better boundaries.

Your husband has to stop this too. You are the family he chose to have, he needs to take your needs and feelings into account.

She’s sounds dreadful and very selfish. Take it from me, set boundaries now, otherwise you will have a whole lifetime of this narcissistic behaviour ahead of you. She sounds very entitled. You must be exhausted playing to her tune all the time.

You have to point out his wife and child are losing out and so are your parents, prioritising his mum is deprioritising everyone else. Deprioritising his son on his 1st birthday is not good parenting and you say I will be taking ds on the zoo trip as planned and making his birthday about him, he will have a better day going with just me than he will with both of us and also going to your mums and being exhausted, so you choose deprioritising your son on his 1st birthday and going to your mums solo because she’s upset or coming with us.

As PP have said, your husband needs to step up. Make plans on what you're doing, tell DH that he needs to let his mum know. If he doesn't, when she says what time are you coming to me, just say, "oh hasn't Paul told you, we're doing blah blah blah" then wait to see what happens, she may try and re-arrange your plans there and then, just say sorry no that's our plans but we can accommodate xyz. Once she knows you're not going to back down she won't do it anymore, she will probably nag at your husband behind closed doors, but that's a him problem! He needs to grow a backbone, your own little family is his priority and ultimately, it's not fair to your extended family.

No, YANBU, and she's a fucking nightmare. What is this shite about 'needing' your DS to accompany DH to the airport to meet her? Does she think she's a visiting dignitary?
But, of course, it's your DH who needs to sort this out.

I would tell her she is welcome to come to the zoo. I assume she can’t or won’t. But that’s what you’re doing on that day so she’ll have to lump it.
Whoops you have answered this above

I think that ultimately these things should be fun and pleasant occasions. I'd would be tempted to try and find a way to kindly but firmly tell MIL that her on the day demands are sucking the joy out of these events. You do sincerely want to share the joy with her but that this isn't helping anyone.

Also beware of rigid alternation. That can also turn into a fun suck.

She can insist all she wants but why do you have to accommodate.

I’m someone who struggles to say no so I get it, and my mum is similar. But since having my own DC they’ve been the perfect excuse for anything. Just say no, that doesn’t work for you.

I can empathise OP. The first time we told MIL we wouldn’t see her on Christmas Day she cried.

Mother’s Day was also a challenge. We got round this one by DH going alone or taking the kids with him. I saw my mum at the same time then had my own Mother’s Day in the afternoon.

As PP has said, you won’t put in boundaries if your DH isn’t completely on board. Once the guilt trip phone calls start coming in your DH is going to have to stay strong. Take the line that this is about being fair to all. Fair to your family, and fair to yourselves. Say you’ll alternate certain things like Christmas. Keep repeating the same lines. ‘It’s the fairest way’ ‘we’re being fair to both sides’. Repeat. Stay strong.

"We are going to concentrate on having the best experiences for our DC, and no travelling on Christmas day. That day will be at home, just with our little family. DC's birthday party is the family's opportunity to celebrate- we have other plans for the actual day. DH is welcome to see you on mother's day, but my DC will be with me, his mother."
Don't deviate or give in AT ALL.