AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

How we did it when we were children, Christmas Eve maternal Grandma, Christmas Day just us, at home, no visitors, bliss. Boxing Day paternal Grandma mainly, and I quote, to stop her ruining Christmas because she was a misery.

How that occured, either you see us on those days or we don't come to see you. We lived about an hour away from both in opposite directions.

I would be telling your MIL straight that she does not get to dictate everything and if she insists on being like this then you don't want to see her. She is spoiling things for you. Sadly the truth is that you might only get 18 Christmases with your child if they meet someone at uni and want to spend Christmas with them, as an adult they get to decide, so looking at it like that, get the Christmas you want.

I move Mother's Day as my child isn't back from uni until the week later and going forward as a potential MIL I know that my son will be trying to accommodate his wife and her Mother too.

Why don’t you just invite your parents and your in laws to come round to you for Christmas Day and children’s birthdays? And for Mother’s Day, you visit your mum and your husband visits his mum? Both sets of our parents were divorced so we had four parents to contend with, which made times like Christmas really difficult in terms of who we spent which day with, so we invited them all together and it worked quite well. In later years when our fathers had died, we always made sure the mothers were invited to special events like children’s birthdays together. I do have to agree with your mother in law that special days lose much of their meaning if you can’t be involved on the actual day.

Agree - this is a DP problem because he is not willing to speak to him mum. Alternate years (or every 3rd year) for Christmas and Mother’s Day is fair, and seeing her on her birthday IF it works with family/work calendars is also reasonable, but she shouldn’t get to dictate anything else.

I completely see your point on everything else, but I think you have to accept that it's not completely unreasonable of your MIL to be a bit hurt if you plan on seeing your family on Christmas day, but not hers.

The Mother's Day wouldn't bother me. Could you not celebrate together by going out for a meal?

Christmas - I would do alternate years, one year Christmas Day with your family the following one with DH's family.

Birthdays - Just be firm if you can't see her on the actual day of your child's birthday.

I suppose it depends on how often you see your family, I do think that PILs sometimes get a raw deal.

You need to do alternate christmases, one year your family and the next year his family.

We were trying to make everyone happy by driving here there and everywhere but honestly when my DD was 4 we stayed home and she loved it, got to play with all her presents etc, last year we went his family but I’m planning to stay home this year ( 9 month baby at the time ) and I’ve said people can come to us on the day.

it’s so much for them to open all there presents to just leave them to make everyone else happy

I’m a MIL as is my sister. Our kids take it in turns and alternate Christmas Day/Boxing Day with us all and their in laws every year. Works fine. No one has a strop. If they can’t make an occasion, then they can’t make it. They’re building their own lives, arrangements and traditions. We love them all too much to push them away by making demands

You have your own family now, time to start new routines.
Mother's day especially should be for the person with the youngest child- you. You can celebrate MD with your mum and mil another day. She does like it, tough.
Same with any special occasions, you don't have to pander to her wants every time.

8am on Christmas morning dragging the kids away from their presents? You have to be joking. I think you should stick to your compromises and let MIL be upset if she chooses. It’s not like you’re refusing to see her.

What she's really saying is, 'I don't mind what you do, so long as you do what I want'. It's easy to be lovely when things are always going your way, because no one wants to upset you.

It's time for MIL to get used to the reality that her son's life and by extension, his family's life, no longer revolves around her. She is allowed to have feelings about this. But her having feelings about it, and not liking it, doesn't mean things will change back to the default setting of doing whatever Mum wants because otherwise she'll be mad, and it's uncomfortable when she's mad.

Therefore, rather than waiting for DH's balls to drop in this instance, I'd be telling her and DH what is going to happen. E.g. we are having a big day out to the zoo on DS's actual birthday, so we won't be visiting you that day, would you prefer the Saturday before, or the Saturday after, or is there some other day that suits you (not his birthday)? And then she's most probably going to have feelings and a reaction to this. This is fine. This is okay. Adjustment is hard, when it is adjusting away from having everything always happening just as you like it. Reassure her that your family are having to make the same adjustments, it's nothing personal. And it gets easier for everybody with practise. . .

Say no. Be prepared to be the one to tell her (because clearly her son can't do it).

Our family has different traditions to yours. Sometimes we can fit in with you, but at other times, we have other things planned. For DS's birthday, we have other arrangements. But we can do cake and candles with you on Sunday/next day if you would like to see us?

And when she winges and whines, say, 'Oh, that's a shame, DS would have loved to see you Sunday. Let us know when else might work.'

I agree with other posters- ‘sorry we have plans for DD’ birthday but we’d love to see you for the birthday tea on x date’
stand strong OP, YANBU.

I'm seeing bends over backwards to keep his mum happy but I'm not seeing the caring about others in his treatment of you and your family.

Mother’s Day is absolutely not “fair enough”! Especially not a first Mother’s Day.

The mother of a child who is actually a child should take priority and decide how she wants to spend it.

the Very values you admire in him are the issue here.
he is already prioritising his DM over you, probably without realising as it’s all he’s ever done. It is easier for him to disappoint you than to disappoint her. You do need to deal with this now before it becomes the status quo and so much harder to break.
it really isn’t reasonable to want to be there on the day for everything. This will be best coming from DH rather than from you though I suspect she may blame you anyway.

seems to me you have a DH problem

I think Mother’s Day fair enough, will you want to see your child when he is an adult on Mother’s Day? I think Mother’s Day if geographically possible should be shared between families. You could make the day easier by inviting both sets of parents to yours for afternoon tea. You would get the morning together alone as a little unit. Then zero travelling with a small child. Well that’s what I would do. If you live a great distance it gets more complicated obviously.

If you want to make Christmas fair then you rota in alternate years to each set of parents or preferably for me anyway have a 3 year rotation with your own household in the mix.

So in the end what happened with the airport situation?

You are going to need to get so good at saying “sorry that doesn’t work for us” “sorry that doesn’t work for our family” “thanks for the invite but we have decided to have Xmas (bdays, Mother’s Day ect) at home and won’t be traveling “

expect “you don’t love Me” ect and you respond with “we love you plenty, we still aren’t travelling, hope you see you for dinner soon”

note there was no justifying just “that doesn’t work/ we have decided”. I find it helps to remember “an invitation isn’t a summons”

Can i ask OP, has your DH tried having a word with her AWAY from any of this occasions.
I think sometimes the message gets diluted and derailed when its being delivered as part of a discussion about a specific event. Having a conversation during a calm bit might help things (and easy to refer back to) - apologies if he has tried already!

Also cringes me that your DH allowed your first Mother’s Day to be moved to make room for his mum.

DH needs to go see her the morning of Mothers Day and you need to do what you want to do.

I think if you don’t start setting boundaries this will go on and on. I had a friend who had 2 Christmas dinners early in her marriage as she couldn’t stand up to either parent.
Driving around on Christmas Day is just unnecessary and takes the joy out of it. Start alternating.

I’m sorry but I think this is a DH issue.

Yes your MIL is entitled and ott but your DH doesn’t say no and over accommodates, he would rather inconvenience his own wife and kids then his mum.

Take your son to the zoo… don’t let your MIL make you feel like you need to spend the day accommodating to her.

Tell DH to sort this out