AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

Did your DH have everything rearranged to spend time with his own grandmother on every special day like this? Somehow I doubt it! So, if she wouldn’t have tolerated this from her own Mum/MIL, why should you and your child?

I would nip this in the bud asap!

The easiest and fairest solution is to do what you, DH and DS actually want without any input from grandparents on the matter. What do you actually want to do for xmas? Who do you want to spend it with? Just do that!

My DS is 4, we've spent every xmas at home just us 3, first year we had lunch with my dad so we wouldn't have to cook, the next year we went to his for tea and the year after we saw him on xmas eve. It's what actually suited us at the time rather than what anyone else wanted. Also there's 2 other grandmothers that live further away so we saw them on other days like boxing day or xmas eve. This is your time to spend with your little family, don't waste it pleasing other people!

If she has grown children still living at home why can’t they drive her if she needs to go somewhere? I would definitely get DH to agree what you both think is reasonable and then hold firm. It’s good practice for dealing with toddlers!!

Just to add I also don't think your husband sounds like a wet lettuce at all. There's nothing wrong with being close to your parents. If he didn't give a hoot about her it would be much more reflective of his character. Of course he needs to balance your wishes too (and what about his own?). There are some proper bitter sounding people on mumsnet sometimes.

But MIL has been offered many suitable alternatives. She's not happy with them though. She is expecting OP to be in many places at once.

For me, days like mother's day are about the older generation. I have two children of my own but I see them everyday, spend time with them everyday. I think its nice to go and see our own mothers on mothers day and make them feel special. 'First' mother's days seem a fairly new 'worry' really. Appreciate all family dynamics are different but I do think you are being unreasonable there. Mothers day with a one year old is nothing like what the sentiment of mothers day is for me really .... making a 'lovely' mum feel special that is not seen everyday is though.

YANBU about Christmas though ... that amount of tooing and froing isn't fair on anyone. While i'm not sure a 1 year old has any concept of the actual day I don't think that is any good for them. A couple of hours is very reasonable and lovely.

I havent got my own issues at all.
Thank you though

You asked what people think.
Thats what i think

When you post on a public forum.
Not everyone is going to actually agree.
The whole point is for people to give views and you take things on board or equally not

Your happy with everyone slating your mother in law and some calling your husband a wet lettuce then i shall let everyone get on with it

Have a good week 🙂‍↔️

You need to have a frank conversation with your DH and make him deal with it. I made the mistake of letting my in-laws have far too much sway over me and my DC after my husband died but they just wanted to know they weren't going to be cut off from all they had left of him. It was a painful conversation to have - and there was a brief period of almost outright warfare - but I'm unbelievably close to my FIL now as are my kids. They are no doubt concerned about not being included. One thing that worked for me was the host and welcome everyone in. That puts the onus on them to decide whether the effort to come is worth it or not. I absolutely would not be letting them dictate your own nuclear family time though - bugger that.

Absolutely. I couldn’t bear my sons to resent me over my being precious about a day. They are their own people. Like you we all get on great.

I have edited as i see some updates from OP
BUT i am not reading a different thread at all

I think the OP could be more reasonable

That is my view... You know, what the OP asked for. Not everyone has to agree!

Mil sounds insufferable and your husband seems to care more about humouring her entitlement than protecting his marriage. Jeez

Someone needs to say no to her and remind her she's not the queen mother!

MIL isn't even hosting, she doesn't get a say in your movements whether she is or not.

As uncomfortable as it is, you or your DH just need to say no sorry that doesn't work for us, we'll see you at X time for X amount of hours otherwise let us know a more suitable day. The end.

She's got away with getting her own way for too long so naturally she'll be annoyed at first but you'll never break the cycle if you don't put your foot down.

She’s had her time to have a little family and, from the sounds of it, be the matriarch. She’s now extended family and she doesn’t get to organise your time. That’s your role. If she is lucky, she can be involved. But it’s not a given.

As a child my memories of those days are special because they were spent with family. Less so Mother’s Day, I’d set a boundary on that as it’s for you and your child now - but birthdays and Christmas to me are about seeing family and feeling loved.

That said you don’t have to do that with your family so you can set boundaries, but to me that’s a bit sad.

We get to see our adult dc at christmas usually ds one year dd next and then ds and dd at ours 3rd year.
This means our dc get to there inlaws the other times.
And occasionally we dont see them on the day at all, it's not set in stone.

I think you’ve read an entirely different thread to the rest of us.

OP has actually stated that she hasn’t to ensure it’s her mum that’s not left out, as her MIL is so demanded.

and no, she doesn’t have to include or invite anyone to the zoo if she doesn’t want. People are allowed to spent time with their own small family unit

YANBU - she is.

It's a shame your DH is such a wet lettuce and gives into all of her demands and made her a pain in the arse. She is controlling what you do and will get worse. Time to sort this out and get the wet lettuce to sort it, it's his controlling mother than he is too scared to stand up to. She is used to being the center of the universe - time for equality here.

Everyone loves to bash the mil

You want to spend all those times with YOUR family but not her.
I can see her point.
She wants to be with her grandson & son like YOU want to be with YOUR FAMILY

Invite her to the zoo. Invite her for Christmas with your family , Include her.

If she is going elsewhere at Christmas then, fair, she can chose, spend it with her other son or with you guys.
OR you just pop in for awhile once on that day

Completely agree with this . I am also a MIL and made it very clear to all my adult kids , two sons and a daughter, that when they had their own families then they were their priorities not us ! My own parents did the same with me, many years ago.This has worked well for everyone and we all get along fine with no drama and plenty of lovely get togethers when it suits.
While your baby is so young it is an ideal time to get the priorities in order for going forward and your DH needs to have that conversation with his mum imo.

You need to sort it before your DS goes to school. At the moment he's still portable and young enough not to argue, but your MIL is going to find it VERY hard to be confronted by a sulking child who wanted to play with his Christmas presents/have a party with his friends rather than be dragged around the grannies for every celebration, and I suspect he'll make his feelings known.

Jesus OP.

have you got to put your foot down.

with her, and your husband.

i am actually now NC with my MIL…and I think that if I had the sense to push back a bit right when problems started showing themselves with regards to her attitude towards the way we do things, we wouldn’t actually be in this situation now.

Stop tearing yourself apart for this bonkers thing of hers... I can't believe you left your mum on her own for all that craziness last year...as an only ...
No is a complete sentence but yes work out what works for you... Travelling with dc at xmas will be harder for the next say10years as they get full into the xmas thing.. so look at alternating days accross all or just different days eg xmas eve 1 side, boxing day other xmas day yours..

Or her/your mum alternate at yours over 3 yrs so 1 yr free and come the night before to sort the transport issue out...DH has si lings so they should share the load..

Other days at your convenience eg birthday not this year doesn't work on the day.. maybe other days /years it will

I never get why Mother's day has to be celebrated individually and separately, when it's possible to just meet up together and go for a lovely lunch or cook at home, and both/all mothers are appreciated through the day.

She wanted a baby to pick her up at the airport?

That’s one of the silliest things I’ve read on here in 20 years of astonishing batshittery.