AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

Do all the siblings march to her tune or is it just your husband?

I hope you told her to fuck off!

OP you are so kind to that woman!

You don't have to ruin every Christmas and birthdays because of that woman. You are involving and including her a lot more than most would as it is.

"She gets upset if she doesn't get her way"? then let her get upset. She'll stop when she had enough of sulking.

I am petty, but if she is not happy with a very generous and reasonable Boxing day etc, I would book an entire week away and she wouldn't see any of us for the whole Christmas week. You can't end up in a situation where you are not allowed to book any holiday or any outing and event on the days SHE choose.

She should be grateful she has a DIL who is so kind with her.

This is a bit tricky and I can understand your frustration.

However, once you have a child, it is normal to start to “host” Christmas and birthdays for them. Not saying this has to be done this year - but it will get to be too much for grandparents to cater and children will prefer being in their own home for Father Christmas once they get to this stage.

So I think you need a short-term approach and a longer term approach - the latter which likely involves you hosting.

Yes, it would be interesting to. There’s a chance she’s seeing it completely differently. There may be a lot more relevant information.

Then why seek to put a wedge between them?

Why can't your husband spend time with his mother without you? Why do you have to be there?

Are you and your DH on the same page regarding this matter?
What happens if you do decline a request from MIL?

To bury the mil under and have her mum move into? Fabulous idea love it 🥰

Jesus christ, I am exhausted just reading this! I actually cannot believe she made you go to her house twice in one day on Christmas!
Please nip this in the bud, Christmas this year you can pick her up and take her to your BIL if you must, then leave and go to your mums. BIL can drop her off and spend more time with her if he wants to.
Although I would be pushing for alternate family visits on actual Christmas..

Definitely one to nip in the bud, and now. If you allow her to dictate these things now, how is she going to react when your child starts school is not available on their actual birthday? And trust me, Christmas Day spent in the car with a screaming toddler who can’t understand why they can’t just play with the lovely new toys they’ve just opened is no fun.

And just because she can’t drive doesn’t mean she can’t travel. It sounds like she’s not that far from you if you can drive to hers, your mums and then back to hers again all in one day so she can either get a taxi or get someone else to give her a lift.

I think you're being very harsh on your MIL and should look at building her a granny annexe.....

Sweetie @carkey26 you say caring and close

from here it looks like people pleasing and they are close because he does what she wants him to

look at what happens if you resist? She has a fit.

when your baby is so small, now is the time to have the argument, set the boundaries so that in future when DS understands what’s going on, there’s no room for her manipulation

say no, that’s not what were planning to do, we’ll see you know x or y date as we’re busy on the day. Reminding her that YOU are a mother and yes you come first in your family is a very important boundary to set.

This is potentially not a problem. Talk to her about what you can offer each year, rather than consult her about what she will tolerate. You and DH decide your household, mil decides about hers. You are currently allowing her to determine the rules and boundaries, but it’s your lives, and you are both adults.

As others have said you need much better boundaries - of course your MIL is being completely unreasonable. I expect your husband realised a long time ago that resistance was futile but that was when he was a dependent child. He is now an adult with his own family and needs to back you, otherwise he is just buying a sort of fake peace with you and your family's concessions. I hope he doesn't make you the bad guy here as if so, there could be trouble ahead but I think you are faced with a choice between conceding to MIL every time and resentment building or deciding on a fair distribution of key dates and then stick to your guns! Either way there will probably be trouble ahead but you haven't caused that trouble so just ride it as best you can. You've got this!

you remind me of me the first two years after I had my first baby. I bent over backwards trying to please everyone making myself and our little family totally miserable.

You and DH need to be on the same page. He needs to deal with MIL direct, you deal with your family. Offering to give her Xmas Eve/Boxing day rather than spending Christmas day ferrying everyone around is more than fair. Let DH have that chat with her.

If you don't, this will break you and make you so miserable. It's only going to continue if no one makes a stand.

Sorry she wanted YOUR BABY (less than 12 months old) to meet her at the airport when she was coming back from holidays?? That in particular is loopy!

Ignore any guilt-trippers, OP. Your MIL's expectations of things always having to happen on a certain day and on her own terms are unreasonable. Your mother matters, too, as does what works best for you, your husband, and your child. MIL will have to be more flexible. Your husband needs to toughen up and stand firm. Not seeing everyone 'on the day' every time doesn't mean she isn't loved. It's just part of life with adult children. She's being ridiculous to expect you to bend over backwards to accommodate her preferences.

Can't you just tell her no? She can't physically force you to do anything.

Your poor Mum. Her first Christmas without her husband and her only child couldn't spend the day with her for fear of upsetting her mother in law!

We had exactly this with my MIL trying to demand to see the kids on their birthdays etc even if we had seen her the day before. She is also a very unimvolved grandmother, happy not to see them for 6 weeks but then wanting to see them on the day of their birthdays. She would try to engineer sneaky ways to see them on their birthdays if we said no. We just stood firm and over the years she had to accept what we were saying.

Just to be clear, some years she has seen them on their birthdays or Christmas Day, we don't block her to be spiteful, but it's the years she wasn't going to see them that she'd cause a bit of a fuss.

You being an only child, and your mother being a recent widow, would have me putting my foot down even more.

Your husband has siblings, some still at home?
Your MIL is being even more unreasonable.

We haven't seen either of our families 'on the day' for years. We have Christmas and birthdays in a relaxed way with just us, then meet up later/earlier in the month for an extended family get together. I would put my foot down about this. She's not the boss of what your family does for events.

Personally I agree with @FookFookFook as above. Oh a slightly different note, while doing something with the kids on their actual birthday is lovely, and this is a moot point with a one year old, I always found doing the big outing on a different day was better because otherwise it was a rush to make the most of the outing and do presents, and tea and cake, all on the same day. Much like Christmas morning if they have to abandon the presents before they've had a chance to appreciate and play with them. Much better in my opinion to do Christmas morning at home, then go to whoever is hosting later for the meal. Then Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with the other side of the family if that's practical.
Any special day is as special as you make it, I don't think the actual date on the calendar is necessarily the be all and end all.

Ouch! True though OP!

You and your DH need to tell her what you are doing, not the other way around. If you want Christmas at your parents, then tell her that is what you are doing, and arrange to see her Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. She cannot continue to dictate what you do.

I’d just stop pandering to her.

Christians this is our plan feel free to pop In / we are alternating to will see you Boxing Day this year.

Mother’s Day. Your dh can go see his mother that’s not a problem. What she cannot dictate is how you with to spend your Mother’s Day as a mum with your child. That’s 100% up to you just how your dh should get final say on Father’s Day.

Birthdays well tough titties tbh. If the birthday person is having a day out or a holiday it’s just tough. If birthday person is home you’re welcome to pop by. If birthday person is having party / dinner she can be invited.