AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

Totally agree with this. And why on earth is the day before or day after not ok anyway? It's just a day. People can easily celebrate Christmas on Boxing Day or even a week before or after.

Sounds like you need to move away OP so you get some peace.

Is she on her own OP? She may be feeling lonely. I get where you're coming from. We live close to the in-laws so we see them every birthday, Christmas day, mother's day etc too but my MIL & FIL don't insist upon it and always very casual (& they live close by). Secretly sometimes I would like it to be just us for my kids birthday etc but my husband and my kids want their grandparents there for pizza and cake etc (& they are genuinely lovely people) so that's the way it has to be. I think it's nice to include her but it needs to be more on your terms and not hers.

He's not caring if he's happy to upset you and completely disrupt your family life just to accommodate a woman who will never be reasonable or considerate of anyone else. And your MIL is one of those women.

Put your foot down. Tell him to sort it or marriage counselling will be required to save your marriage. You are to spend the rest of your life catering to an overgrown toddler who will only accept her own way, even though it affects you and your family time and obligations and wants and needs.

Mother’s Day should be all about you, she can have grandparents day.

@seahorsessky that’s the same sort of bullshit that women pulled to control their daughters weddings and such because their mothers planned theirs. It belongs in history.

Just because you let your self be pushed over by the older generation doesn’t mean the next one down owes you theirs.

Stand up for yourself or be a walk over but you don’t get to demand the next generation owes you because you let yourself be a door mat.

My mum was like this, insisting that she sees “her grandchildren” on every important date. But I set some very clear boundaries at the start that sometimes we will have plans, sometimes we will be with my in-laws who only get to see them every few months. It’s not fun but it is easier to establish them early.

I don’t want to out myself too much but I wrote a post which I thought was of a similar nature. I put too much emphasis on the gifting part unfortunately and got ripped a new hole. It’s interesting to me reading the responses on here though. Even when I pushed back and said that it was more that I didn’t want to have to spend my child’s birthday having people visit and actually wanted them to be able to have fun without having to entertain visitors the commenters overwhelmingly even said that was unreasonable with comments such as ‘never heard of a party?’ ‘It was my favourite part of my birthday when my Nan visited.’ So I wouldn’t pay too much uh notice of what other people think to be honest because I think they’re easily swayed.

FWIW I agree with you. If your MIL wants to see your child then she can come the day before or the day after now and again. I think it’s rude to expect to see them on every birthday and Christmas and hold back gifts etc. I make sure my family have things in advance and then I ask if there’s a convenient time to visit.

She is unreasonable.

What you are saying is wrong and part of the problem. A new mother should not have to accommodate her MIL on those days. This is a new mother celebrating firsts with her own child and husband.
I had the same when my now toddler was born assuming all days would be shared.
I come from a very close family and not once did my mum have to share Mother's Day with her MIL. I saw my grandparents around my birthday and Christmas but never set in stone the whole day would be dedicated to seeing grandparents, especially when I was little.

This mother in law is obviously trying to set a tradition that she is involved in every special
day and it's totally unfair on the child's actual parents.

I don't think you need to or should think of this in terms of 'putting boundaries in place' - more just you getting in the habit of being able to say, where appropriate, 'ah no, sorry, we won't be able to do that on that day - see you the day after?' And she might well be a bit put out initially but gradually the idea that sometimes your family won't be available for those days in the way that is optimal for her isn't going to be workable.

With your example of her 'insisting' you go there on Christmas day, then, another time could you try just saying 'no, because we're off to my parents that day, but do you want to do something Boxing Day?' and then just don't let yourself be insisted to!

How are grandparents getting their Mother’s Day for the first time? Thats an odd thing to say!

Ive had presents, cards and a meal since I gave birth and always felt appreciated on Mother’s Day (even when we had small kids). My DH has always made an effort for me. We also also buy for our Mums despite them always telling us not to every year.

The MIL has had a lifetime of Mother’s Days and she’s old enough to realise its purely a day. How you parent 365 days of the year is what actually matters and she sounds a demanding nightmare/loopy.

She sounds a nightmare! What difference does it make which day it is?! She needs some perspective on life and just enjoy the time with the family (the day is purely a date on the calendar).

We do alternative Christmas stays with the grandparents (so xmas eve to boxing day alternating years). Never had any issue with that and we see the grandparents we’re not spending Xmas with either the weekend before Xmas or around New Year.

Neither set of parents would ask anything of us in the week - the week is work, school and keeping on top of life! We see them to celebrate birthdays/special occasions when its a good weekend for all. That might be 2 weeks before a special occasion or 2 weeks after for example.

Does she have a life outside of spending time with you? Hobbies, interests, friends, volunteering etc? I realise how lucky we are with our parents as they never demand anything of us.

No, it's quite normal to want to see the family those days, just arrange one person to host and invite everyone. On mother's days, grandparents are really only getting their mother's day for the first time, as when they were younger, they'd have had to put their mum and MIL first on those days. Your husband is right-I would always accommodate the family on those days, unless there was an emergency, like someone in hospital.

Do you always see your family (as in parents) on Christmas Day? If so, I’m struggling to see what the difference is. I think you should alternate at least, or, if it suits your DH and kids better, see neither on the day itself, that way you can’t be accused of playing favourites. Same with other days I guess. If the other grandparents always get to see the grandkids on the day of birthdays etc… then I could see how that would look unfair.
Again, you don’t HAVE to see either of them whenever they demand to. Just don’t be seen as choosing them all the time.

Your MIL is far too demanding, selfish, and inflexible. You have a child and you are entitled to have your own holidays, birthdays, and celebrations. Even before that, you are married. And you also have a family, not just DH.

A relationship is a two-way street, and she only seems to want everything on her terms.

I could go on forever because my mother was the same way. All I will say is this: The more you give in, the worse it will get. My mother hijacked my daughter's childhood, having to make every holiday, special event, eventually school events, everything about HER. On her terms.

This is NOT sustainable.

She is an adult. Let her be disappointed. Your DH shouldn't be endlessly sacrificing to keep her from being disappointed. He isn't doing that for you!

I think you could be even firmer, alternating Christmas and Boxing days with each family. I didn't with mine and I have few memories of really lovely Christmases with my son. Whether we had a good Christmas largely depended on my parents mood and things had to be done according to their traditions. The more I did more and more it became the expectation and they refused to call on my other siblings, as we had the only grandchild.

It also gets harder as parents become more elderly, much as I love mine. This year I have finally put some boundaries in place, but whether I shall wobble, is another matter.

I agree with you OP, firmer boundaries are needed. It's not fair on your family, if every special occasion, your MIL has to be involved. You have a son, and going house to house on Christmas Day won't be an option. As he gets older, he'll want to play with his toys at home! Mother's Day is special for you now, not just your MIL! You are entitled as a family to spend special occasions as you see fit.

Your MIL is being unreasonable and unrealistic in her expectations. Your husband needs to start setting boundaries with his Mum...if he doesn't, then this charade will only get worse.

I think you're wrong as well @AlwayAnxious.
I think the OP sounds lovely. Very fair and concerned about the feelings of everyone she has to consider.

So according to you, the OP has to listen to people like you but you don't have to listen to anyone? I'm another who thinks you're completely wrong, you're obviously another pushy mother/grandmother.

Whatever the reasons or insecurities behind this behaviour, your mil is trying to control you and that is not acceptable at all.

She will have to learn to share the occasions.

You sound like a very reasonable and caring woman btw.

Eta: Your dh ought to talk to his mum in a straightforward way about all of this. She's being selfish and she's his mum to iron out.

My MIL is exactly the same. Sometimes I just have to be the bad guy! I empathise! Luckily my parents are very independent, don't keep score and don't celebrate Christmas. MIL will even want to see me on my birthday. I go out with my DS on Mothers Day and leave my DS running around after her. I don't have any pearls of wisdom except make peace with being the bad guy sometimes...

Can you start with Christmas and say we spent most of the time in the car so this year you come to us.

Same with the birthday- you are going out so if she wants to see the kids she has to come with.

Mother’s Day is your day now.