AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

Your MiL may be lovely, but she's being unreasonable here. Is your DS her only grandchild? Does she do this insistence with all her DC and their partners?

My suggestion is that you move abroad. Then either she can come visit you for special days or you visit her once a year for a few days to celebrate one of the "special days".

last year we'd agreed it was my family's turn and I'm not sure whether to blame DH or MIL for this but I feel like they worked it so I missed my turn having Christmas with my family.

You should blame yourself, no one in their right mind should have agreed to going to your MIL twice in one day, you seem so focussed on blaming them for ruining things, but you need to acknowledge that you have set this precedent and gone along with it with no argument.

If it is your families turn then go there, but aim to see your MIL for 1-2 hours, then vice versa, no argument, no negotiation.. offer a couple of time slots, if they don't like what you are offering then they get nothing, simple.

On DS birthday go to the zoo just yourselves then host a little tea party for both mums in the evening, It's not your problem that they don't drive, so not sure why you have made it your problem to solve.

You're a mother now, you need to start acting like it.

And when does @carkey26 get a Mother’s Day that is for her, not her mum or MIL, @TheOnlyWayIsIlford?

I am a MIL and a grandmother, and I do not expect my son to prioritise me over his wife and his family.

Do you struggle with comprehension generally ?

You need to start an every other year rule at Christmas and stick to it, because it's clear that if you offer them a little bit of the day, she expands it to make more and more, and you spend half the day driving round. The popping in for a couple of hours idea is great if she would be happy with that, but she isn't.

Can't you sell it as you'd like better quality time with her, rather than popping in and out and driving around, so you'd like to spend a whole day with your family, and then the whole of boxing day (or other convenient close day) with her, or vice versa, then the other way round next year. Two Christmas days, wouldn't that be nicer etc... That's what we've done since we were married, and no one has ever complained. We do make sure no one is alone so we coordinate with siblings and see both if one set of parents wouldn't be seeing anyone else on the day, but it doesn't sound like that's likely with yours. I'm very lucky my mum always says ' Christmas isn't just one day' if any difficulty in arrangements comes up. Much nicer to spread out the fun.

Regarding Christmas, it is clearly important to both grand mothers to see you all on the day so if they live close to each other I would alternate where you have Christmas dinner but still spend a couple of hours (not several blocks) with the other granny on the day. Be firm, remind MIL that your mum is alone on that day and I would go as far as to say if she does not agree then boxing day it is (or not at all) 😉. For mother's day again no obligation.... She's not your mum, and you yourself are a mum so get pampered and make sure DH calls her while you call your own mum. DS birthday a little tiny bit trickier as I totally get she wants to celebrate too...for a first birthday honestly I would want to have both grannies along to blow the candles and do the outing on a different day.
Airport pickups....just no if you have other plans.
But do set the boundaries now because soon enough you will have the school holidays to worry about as well!
Good luck!

Yoiur MIL does not sound NICE at all. She sounds like a narcissistic monster. I would be telling (no asking) her to fall in with my plans or she would never see her grandchild again.

Your husband needs to set clear boundaries with her, nip this in the bud now. TBH, you were both absolutely batshit to agree to last years Christmas day palaver, what on earth were you thinking!

You need to start your own traditions as your DS gets older and put him first- if you don’t do it now then this will become the bane of your life for years to come. It is unreasonable to expect a toddler to be seen whenever she demands, overtired after long days out, overwhelmed from Xmas festivities etc (and that goes for you as parents too!) as you will have a nightmare on your hands! She will have to fit into his routine, naps, your plans etc

you are the head of your family, not her and she doesn’t get to dictate what you do on any given day.

Is this her first grandchild? I expect she is scared she will miss out on key moments and not be included, so maybe you could explain that you will be fair about when you see her/ takes turn for Xmas day etc so you will make sure she gets her turn but she CAN NOT dictate to you. Would she accept FaceTime on the day itself as a compromise?

She reminds me of my ex mil. For dd1s christening we decided to have it on a bank holiday weekend so people travelling would have the Monday off work and school! She was in a complete huff as she might have made plans that weekend! She didn’t actually have any plans made!

This is just madness! Alternate, it’s the only fair way IMO, unless your family all live within 10 minutes drive … even then Christmas dinner = wine and champagne so no driving after then!

I agree that this is a really lovely idea, provided that the grandmothers can both be trusted to get along and not compete for the grandkids’ love. From what the OP has said, that might not be true of her MIL?

Also the cost and logistics? Hosting at the OP’s home presumably means the cooking and cleaning all falls to them as a unit. Even if the OP ‘just’ looks after the children solo that her DH can do the grunt work, that’s not really a rest for her… If the event takes place at a restaurant, presumably then OP and DH bear the whole cost of the do?

Also a get together on a different day and a little message on the day is fine for most people

Honestly I would, I’d tell your DH that you’re reflecting on DMILs demands of time and you realised that you’ve been steamrolled in to a situation you’re not happy about. Last year and this year and you’re not going to do it anymore. DMIL has plans for Christmas, she won’t be alone and so this Christmas you want to see your family. You can spend next Christmas with his family

Point out that last year you spent more time with mil. That your own mother is alone and widowed.

While mil won’t be alone even if you didn’t visit and that you’re sure she would understand how it would feel to not see anyone she loved on the day. Play her at her own game.

That if mil wants to pop in to yours she can. She can get a taxi if she doesn’t drive they still run on Christmas.

Id make it a tradition that you stay home Christmas Day but mil and your mum both personally have an invite to them alone no extras to join for dinner. Fairs fair in that respect. Treating them both exactly the same and I’m sure you can fit two bottoms at the table. Or that if she doesn’t wish to for dinner can just pop in.

That on Boxing Day you’ll be out visiting whoever you didn’t see Christmas Day.

Mother’s Day make it your day. Dh can see who he wants. If you again happen to be home mil is more than welcome to pop in and see yourself and child on Mother’s Day.

Birthdays are spent how the birthday person wants them going forward (easier once child is older and wants to do what they want on their birthday). So if you’ve booked the zoo at this age it’s the zoo anyone is welcome to join and make their own transport arrangements otherwise we will see you around child birthday but not on the day as we are busy.

For something like Mother’s Day would it be possible (if you wanted to of course) to do a big extended family thing for all the mothers to get together - we have done this and it was lovely
For things like birthdays and Christmas people do have to be reasonable and not try to hog every occasion for themselves- if they can’t get this themselves then they may need a nudge in the right direction

Mil is bonkers, I wouldn't be dragging my child out once on Christmas day never mind twice. She can learn to take it in turns like lots of families do. It's not like ops DH is an only so she wouldn't be alone.
She needs to learn not to be so selfish, you're going to have to start saying no, if she gets upset that's on her.

Not if you live half a day's drive away from both sets of parents as DH and I did when our two were little.😉 The idea that every single "special day" has to be shared with the wider family across the generations every time, regardless of the wishes of the individuals most closely concerned, is outrageously demanding and unsustainable. Once two people marry and start a family they become a new unit, free to develop their own traditions and celebrate in their own way and sometimes that way won't involve any wider family members.

Fuck that! If you’re happy slitting the day offer one time slot you are happy with and take it or leave it

You claim your MIL is otherwise a lovely woman - have you tried pointing out that if you always see her on these occassions, it makes life very difficult for you and/or that there's no way to see her at the level she wants and ALSO see everyone else?

Assuming you have and she's not, in fact, as lovely as you think she is... this is where you have to clear in your own head with what you think is valid and then not let anyone sway you. eg airport, "MIL, of course we're not sending baby DS on an hours car journey to pick you up at the airport. That's not fun for him or for the driver! And he'll be cranky, or sleeping, when he gets to you. We'll see you tomorrow/next week."

As for Christmas - work out what you think is fair and then do that.

I am not convinced these are really boundaries but if they are, remember the key thing about boundaries - you can't force other people to do what you want. A boundary just means that you will do x or y when it is breeched, and accept the consequences/unhappiness as a rseult. People thinking that "enforcing boundaries" means you can make other people change their behaviour are simply going to be unhappy.

I am also an only child whereas MIL is surrounded by all DH's siblings, some of whom are grown up but still live at home.

So your MIL would never be alone at Christmas or any other special day, unlike your widowed mother with only one child? In that case she is being incredibly selfish in her demands to see you and your little family on the day itself every time and you really must work to establish some firm boundaries now for the sake of your own little family.

If I'm honest, threads like this make me glad DH and I lived a long way from both sets of parents when our children were small and work pressures for all six adults meant that none of us could just drop in on any single "special day". Christmas and New Year were different and we made a point of taking the children to stay with their grandparents over the festive season every other year, with the alternate year just being the four of us at home at our children's own request, because they wanted to have the chance to develop their own Christmas traditions in their own home. Otherwise there were proper family visits at Easter and over the summer and occasional holidays for the children with their grandparents without Mummy and Daddy there. The same is true now DH and I are the grandparents and live 150+ miles from both our children and their families in different directions.

Going back and forth on Christmas Day quickly becomes unsustainable once your child(ren) gets old enough to understand the day. It's not fair on them to drag them all over, they want to play with their toys. And as a family, you will want to create your own traditions for the day. If your MIL has multiple adult children then she needs to accept she can't see them all on the day.

We solved this very similar issue (right down to the widowed mil) by setting an absolute rock solid boundary that we were not leaving the house on Christmas Day (except for a walk!). We were giving our children Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home. We were willing to host and it was a bit tricky as we also had no dining room and a small house. I would always crack open the fizz early on and someone would always end up sitting on a garden chair we'd brought indoors or something! It was the only way to avoid tears and guilt and all the rest of it, and it really worked. If you set a clear non-negotiable and stick to it then your life gets a lot easier.

I would not be able to stop myself from pointing out what a terrible day your MIL expects your child to put up with this year at Christmas - it's really shocking that she'd think that was a suitable Christmas day for a toddler! My mil would at least always accept that we all had the children's best interests at heart and yhat them having a good day was the priority.

I wouldn't trade our Christmas memories as a family for anything. And mil got to be a part of it - she got used to it and would really enjoy doing something special on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day on the years she didn't come to ours. She got to make her own special and new traditions with her grandchildren that were a lot more valuable than dragging an overtired, crying toddler to a big family lunch when all they want is to be zooming their cars up and down. So I would say, make a rule and stick to it without apologising or backing down. Everyone can get used to it then and life will go a lot more smoothly.

I agree.

Of course the current situation is unsustainable and needs to change but to cast DH as a pile of snivelling mush with his mum's boot on his neck is absurd.

Like OP, he's also navigating the fairly new territory of parenthood and how to ring fence time and energy for his own family that was once assumed to belong to his now-extended family.

OP, for sure YANBU. Is it fair to assume that your DH knows how saddened you were that your very first Mother's Day was basically given away? And could you tell MIL the same thing? Unless she's wildly self-obsessed, she may just need to hear that kind of info to realise what she's doing.

We've never bothered with Grandparent's Day in our house. Made up nonsense.

She had Mother's Day when she was younger, I assume. Once you become a grandmother you accept that priorities have changed. Or, at the very least, you celebrate on a different day if that suits your son/daughter