Page 3 | AIBU to feel uneasy about expensive gifts from his ex via their child?

Original poster

HelloUpThere · 10/09/2026 20:18

I think it’s all relative to what you’re used to. We’re not well off so to me that is a lot of money to spend on a parent from their underage child. I spend around that on my own parents but from my children I’d think it’s a bit OTT if they were giving me presents more than around £10 or so. when they’re adults and have their own money then yes, I suppose the general consensus is to spend quite a bit more than that.
Generally now they will make me something and they absolutely love doing that. I respect people are teaching their kids about giving nice gifts etc, but to me it’s not about the money spent. Here it is clear that his ex wife is going shopping and buying things she knows that he will like with actually not necessarily their child’s involvement in it. To me that defeats the purpose.
Yes lovely on one hand. But to me that’s strange and as someone said, that kind of thought you’d give to your partner, not an ex. But I guess we’re all different. And the majority think it’s the norm. And I’m not sitting there watching like a weirdo when he’s opening his presents by the way. But I stand by opening several gifts from an ‘8 year old’ is odd to me. I might open several gifts on my birthday but they’re not from my children. My partner yes.
At times her gifts have been around the same amount as what I’ve given myself. I personally think that’s unnecessary but each to their own then. I’ll stop thinking about it now. But the divorce will continue to weigh on my mind.
Thank you all for your input.

OP posts:

Minnie798 · 10/09/2026 19:51

We spend quite a bit on birthdays/ christmas , so if me and dp separated, spending £50-60 'from the kids' would be a token gift. He is their dad after all.
Perhaps it's the same for them.

Candlejewel · 10/09/2026 19:34

I think if their family was used to spending 50 quid on birthday gifts then suddenly the child gives him a crappy box of choccies it would look quite pointed and like the ex was trying to insult him. She’s probably just putting her child first and wants to ensure that her child doesn’t feel left out or less important in any way.

I wouldn’t advise trying to get inbetween the father and his child. If you’re insecure then address that with him instead.

bababamama · 10/09/2026 19:24

My dsd “buys” me lovely gifts, i know it’s dh’s ex buying them, he gets less thoughtful presents like booze. It’s lovely of her to do it (adult with Sen)

SnailandWhal · 10/09/2026 19:19

No I think this is weird - one gift or a couple at most absolutely fine but if he's opening loads of presents that's just odd.

That's the kind of thought you give to a partner. I doubt most people would give this level of presents or expense for siblings / friends. With my DH, when my step daughter was younger they'd go to tesco or something to pick out some gifts. My step daughter would be there to pick - there's no way she wouldn't know what her mum/dad was going to unwrap.

I'd find it galling- and very strange if my partner didn't find it OTT / embarrassing too.

Also re divorce - maybe no ill intention but if anything happened to your partner - what does that mean for you or your child? This could massively impact you. I'm not sure if you own/rent but what happens if the ex wife wants more re financial agreement etc. Is she next of kin/can she make decisions as his 'wife' if he was in intensive care etc. I know very doom.and gloom but it's putting you in a very vulnerable position.

Trotula · 10/09/2026 18:26

I think I would feel the same @HelloUpThere
So you have a child together and a child each from a previous relationship and he is still married to her? I would feel quite uneasy about their relationship in these circumstances and probably the reason for your general unease.
As previous posters have said, it’s relatively easy to get divorced if you agree the finances etc before seeing a solicitor.
What would happen if his finances significantly improve while they are still married?

pinkiphoneandwine · 10/09/2026 18:23

The gift giving is a red herring. I used to take DSC to buy a birthday/Christmas present for their mum (who was, is and always has been, vile to me. And no, I wasn’t OW, we met years after their divorce) and would spend around £100 many years ago. They wanted to do something nice for their mum and I supported that.
The issue is his lack of divorce and that’s what’s bothering you. It would bother me too. That is what you need to address.

MMUmum · 10/09/2026 18:22

HelloUpThere · 09/09/2026 22:33

It was my partners birthday a couple of weeks ago and his ex wife bought him a gift from their child as she does for every occasion. The gifts she/their child got would have cost around £50-£60. His child is late primary school age. AIBU to be annoyed about this? I get that they will still buy each other stuff but I would have thought a token gift is more than enough. Like for my DS’s dad I will just get a box of chocolates or something small. They are genuinely nice gifts and things that he likes and would choose himself. I’m not sure if that’s why it annoys me so much because she clearly still knows him so well. It just feels a bit odd as I will give him gifts from our child and I will include my son in that. But then his DC gives their own separate presents after. I mean I guess that’s what they want to do so I suppose that’s the most important thing. But is that sort of money normal to spend? Father’s Day it was about the same amount and last Christmas it was a bit more. It just feels like I’m sitting there whilst he’s opening presents from another woman. Am I being totally unreasonable here? It’s making me curious to know how much he spends on her as well as tbh I don’t have a clue. But he spends less on me for Mother’s Day than when she spends on him. So I’ll be annoyed if he’s spending more. Is that unreasonable too? 😂
AIBU- yes totally normal to spend however much on ex when it’s ’from the kids’
AIBU - no that’s an inappropriate amount and I’m right to be a bit bothered by it

Yabu, £50-60 is not over the top expensive and I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to buy a gift for her child to give to their father, they have shared history so you need to accept that she know what he would like

BlueSkyBurningBright · 10/09/2026 18:13

When my exh and I split up, the kids were primary school age. We agreed an amount to spend on each other, it was £10 for each child. So all birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day etc it was one gift for £20 usually. It was fairly flexible, so it would sometimes be a bit more.
They are obviously comfortable with the amount spent. I don’t think you can ask them to spend less.

Cantstopeatingjaffacakes · 10/09/2026 13:01

I used to buy gifts for DC to give their dad (they are older now) and I would buy things that I knew he would like and he would do the same for me. Once the DC were old enough to go to the shops themselves I'd give them some money and they'd crack on with it.

Is their divorce likely to be complicated?

OneNewLeader · 10/09/2026 12:54

HelloUpThere · 10/09/2026 12:46

This is it. I don’t think in general I’m a petty, insecure person. But maybe that’s who I’m becoming and it is due to him not getting a divorce. I wasn’t drip feeding to justify my thinking, just reflecting that is probably what the issue is. If they were divorced I don’t think I’d care one bit. But actually if he/she doesn’t have the money to divorce then I don’t think it is reasonable to keep spending in excess of £50 each time they want to buy something off their child. On Father’s Day their child told me that they’d asked their mum to get him a ring as she knows he likes jewellery. But there were around 8 other presents that she didn’t even know what they were until he was unwrapping them. That’s not taking the child to buy something for their father. Again maybe that wouldn’t bother me normally but when it’s coming from two people who don’t want to get a divorce, as I said I start to overthink it and it starts to feel a bit personal between the adults rather than doing something nice for the child.
People can tell me I’m wrong but I imagine they’re not in this position. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who would be bothered about their partner not getting a divorce. But the gift giving, ok I admit I am being stupid and need to stop turning that into something that it’s not

Show quote history

You’re right to be bothered about this. Very bothered. This is where you put your energy.

Original poster

HelloUpThere · 10/09/2026 12:46

Icecreamandcoffee · 10/09/2026 12:24

This is not about the gift at all deep down. This is actually about a man who does not want to divorce his legal wife but wants a bit on the side (you), effectively having his cake and eating it. If either of the people in the relationship wanted a divorce, they would have one. It's not actually expensive if both parties agree to divorce. The fact it seems to be "not a priority" for either of them means they don't actually want to get divorced. You are worrying about if he is effectively treating her "better" (in regards to gift giving) than you as you feel a bit shafted over and taken advantage of. I'm guessing you are asking about when they are going to divorce and wanting to move the relationship on and he is just "it's not a priority/ financially right time". My advice is to either insist on divorce and put a time limit on it and if not met, move on. Or just move on. I have a friend who has wasted a good 12 years waiting for her "DP" to divorce his actual wife. She left him last year, he is still married.

What presents are bought on behalf of children in a good co-parenting arrangement doesn't matter. It's done for the benefit of the child so the child has a gift to give their parent. Some co- parents choose to go down the token gift route (chocs/ wine/ flowers/ beer/ smellies), some who get on better (or have older dc who are more conscious of good gift giving) may buy something that the other parent likes of a higher value. That arrangement is between the co-parents.

This is it. I don’t think in general I’m a petty, insecure person. But maybe that’s who I’m becoming and it is due to him not getting a divorce. I wasn’t drip feeding to justify my thinking, just reflecting that is probably what the issue is. If they were divorced I don’t think I’d care one bit. But actually if he/she doesn’t have the money to divorce then I don’t think it is reasonable to keep spending in excess of £50 each time they want to buy something off their child. On Father’s Day their child told me that they’d asked their mum to get him a ring as she knows he likes jewellery. But there were around 8 other presents that she didn’t even know what they were until he was unwrapping them. That’s not taking the child to buy something for their father. Again maybe that wouldn’t bother me normally but when it’s coming from two people who don’t want to get a divorce, as I said I start to overthink it and it starts to feel a bit personal between the adults rather than doing something nice for the child.
People can tell me I’m wrong but I imagine they’re not in this position. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who would be bothered about their partner not getting a divorce. But the gift giving, ok I admit I am being stupid and need to stop turning that into something that it’s not

OP posts:

Icecreamandcoffee · 10/09/2026 12:24

This is not about the gift at all deep down. This is actually about a man who does not want to divorce his legal wife but wants a bit on the side (you), effectively having his cake and eating it. If either of the people in the relationship wanted a divorce, they would have one. It's not actually expensive if both parties agree to divorce. The fact it seems to be "not a priority" for either of them means they don't actually want to get divorced. You are worrying about if he is effectively treating her "better" (in regards to gift giving) than you as you feel a bit shafted over and taken advantage of. I'm guessing you are asking about when they are going to divorce and wanting to move the relationship on and he is just "it's not a priority/ financially right time". My advice is to either insist on divorce and put a time limit on it and if not met, move on. Or just move on. I have a friend who has wasted a good 12 years waiting for her "DP" to divorce his actual wife. She left him last year, he is still married.

What presents are bought on behalf of children in a good co-parenting arrangement doesn't matter. It's done for the benefit of the child so the child has a gift to give their parent. Some co- parents choose to go down the token gift route (chocs/ wine/ flowers/ beer/ smellies), some who get on better (or have older dc who are more conscious of good gift giving) may buy something that the other parent likes of a higher value. That arrangement is between the co-parents.

PurpleCardigan47 · 10/09/2026 12:07

GrantMyWishes · 09/09/2026 22:46

When encouraging a child to buy a gift for their parent, in my opinion you would give them a 'pocket money' gift, ie, something that the child would be able to purchase from their pocket money. Giving something at the sort of value that you're talking about, seems OTT to me, but everyone is different, so I guess in your situation I would be having a conversation about it with my partner, to find out what sort of money he is spending when buying a gift for his ex from his child. If he's spending the same sort of money, and you can't afford it, then I think that's another conversation, but if it's the sort of money that they used to spend when they were together, then I guess I would bite the bullet and accept it.

On the other hand, if you feel threatened by this, you need to talk to your partner and explain why you find it threatening, and maybe suggest that he tells his child that they shouldn't be spending such a lot of money on a gift for him, they should maybe only be buying something like a box of chocolates, or a pair of socks or something small like that.

As a matter of interest OP, how old is your step child who is giving these expensive gifts?

It’s none of OPs business what he is spending his own earned money on if the bills are paid their shared child is looked after and everything inbetween and no it just doesn’t have to be a poxy £10 gift why should it when you can literally put actual proper brain power thought to it and buy something useable and abit more practical than the local shop tat. My children know what daddy likes and know what mummy likes so when we see daddy’s favourite things she knows he’d love it so why would I begrudge her same from him to me. I also get perfume from time to time and my little girl asks to wear it and where it came from so I say oh daddy bought it as a present from you and him can you remember on x day and she does. It teaches your children respect and love regardless of the actual circumstances. My children’s father has an elder son not a chance on earth id be asking for receipts and bank statements to prove what he’s spending on his eldest sons mother

PurpleCardigan47 · 10/09/2026 12:00

I think you need to massively get a grip. I buy my child’s father a football shirt for his team every single year because I know he likes it and would not buy it for himself. £50/60
is not a lot on a present and also why should his kid give him a poxy box of chocolates just to please you. You don’t get to decide what the other mother buys for him to show how grateful she is for him being a good dad and a present one obviously. I’d rock up with token gifts on a Father’s Day but Christmas and birthdays absolute not. Why can’t she know her ex still they shared a life and a child too.

blackscreens · 10/09/2026 08:46

The fact that they’re still married is probably the root of your anxieties OP!

PurpleThistle7 · 10/09/2026 08:20

I think it’s lovely and I hope he does something equally thoughtful in return.

I also think it’s bizarre that they’re still married and you’re worried about a gift. I think you should worry about that really.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 10/09/2026 08:17

How long have you been together?

Raghnaid · 10/09/2026 08:16

"as legally they’re still married"

I'd feel more uneasy about this tbf @HelloUpThere

Imaginingdragonsagain · 10/09/2026 08:06

You’re drip feeding about the divorce now. But anyway surely a good relationship (at least in front of the children) between ex partners is the idea situation post split?

MingingRunnersFeet · 10/09/2026 08:03

I’ve got 3 kids with 2 Ex’s. I made sure they always had nice gifts to give their dad every birthday/Christmas/father day. And cards. Why should the DC feel like shit about giving crappy presents (or none at all) because the new partner doesn’t like it. It’s not about you!

And TBF I always get lush gifts from my youngest because of where his dad works he gets stuff in sales and staff discount so I always like to make sure he gets similar back.

Amaura · 10/09/2026 08:03

i buy similar priced (or more expensive up to £120 at times). For me it is more the modelling aspect. It was what was done before hand we broke up, so from a kid perspective I don’t want them to see that has changed. It’s also the process up to it and talking to them about “what is he liking at the moment, what do you think he needs, what house thing does he like that has broke recently’. So teaching them to be thoughtful about gift giving. Now they’re older they come to me excited about ideas, plus I know they’re started to do that for me and even our partners. Regardless of breaking up with him, for the kids they are closest family member I can do that level of thinking with for them

Original poster

HelloUpThere · 10/09/2026 08:00

Ok fair enough, it’s just me then. I’ll take that on board and leave them to it. Not that I was going to do anything anyway. I don’t get involved in their parenting etc anyway. It probably is my insecurities as legally they’re still married. It was something I thought he would have sorted out by now but it always comes down to not being a priority money wise. And his ex won’t contribute to the divorce as she’ll say she hasn’t got the money. But to me that would be a priority over continuing to spend that amount for each celebration. But again I’m the only one bothered about them not getting divorced so it is a me thing. Although I guess that’s a separate issue and really my main issue so I think I just project and overthink everything.

OP posts:

DewDropsAndCobWebs · 10/09/2026 01:13

Is he a good dad? Does he co parent well?

Isittimeformynapyet · 10/09/2026 00:32

Franxi · 09/09/2026 23:02

That amount might not be a big issue for her as it is for you. She might feel that she feels sorry for her child not getting to grow up full time with his dad and let the child indulge his father a bit once a year in his birthday. You are projecting a lot on this woman and your stepson. My child is younger, has not been taught they need to ‘spend lots’, but it’s around the same value of gift they give to their father on their birthday (it obviously varies).

You sound bitter and a bit jealous. Let his son give him a gift, no matter the value. It’s his birthday/Christmas whatever - surely everyone who isn’t opening a gift sits and watches the person who is opening their gift. It sounds like you’re a bit envious that you don’t know your current husband as well as others do. Just let him have his presents from his son without making him feel guilty about it, he probably feels guilty enough he doesn’t see him all the time.

Edited

surely everyone who isn’t opening a gift sits and watches the person who is opening their gift

That bit stuck out for me too, the OP "feeling like" she's "sat there watching".

As you say, she probably is sat there watching, which would account for why she feels like she is.