AIBU to feel uneasy about expensive gifts from his ex via their child?

You are picking for the sake of picking. Address your insecurities. You have sod all right to try and control what this child’s mother thinks is an acceptable gift for her child to present to his dad.

You sound unhinged

So he's told you exactly where you come on his list of priorities. He'd rather end your relationship than divorce his wife? Sorry it's come to this but at least you know where you stand! (And when your child is old enough, make sure you get them to tell him they want to buy you expensive gifts 😂)

Wow so take aways and pub were more important than divorcing his wife.

Proving his commitment to you meaning nothing to him.

You think it's annoying that the child gets a gift for their dad that he likes and could use? To me it just sounds like you're jealous or think his ex still fancies him.

The fact he doesn’t want to get divorced would be the end of your relationship for me. I wouldn’t want to put my whole life on hold (marriage, kids) just because he’s got his child already and doesn’t seem to want any other that with you.

If his kids are 8 and 7 he didn't hang about.

MD is saying it's reasonable to spend the same,but I think I'd expect him to spend more.
birthdays etc. I'd understand him getting a gift off your child to the same value as their child to get but his present to you should be more whereas I wouldn't expect him to get her a present at all

When I got together with my husband, suddenly, divorcing my ex husband became an absolute priority because there was no way I wanted to be married to someone else. That’s because I was head over heels in love with my now husband. My ex caused me no issues at all and we’d split and sold the house about three years prior. What I’m telling you is your partner and his wife do not want to get divorced. You are not a priority.

Well now we've established what is actually behind your insecurity OP, I personally think that now is ultimatum time. Clearly the gift situation is going to be an ongoing reminder of the fact that he's treating his 'so called' Ex, better than he's treating the woman he's chosen to live with, so sit him down after the kids are in bed, and tell him that while the gift giving situation has brought up your insecurities, you've realised that there is a bigger problem, which is the fact that he's making no effort to cut ties with his wife. Then go on to tell him that unless he gets on and sets the wheels in motion for a divorce by (give him a time limit), then you're out, as you're done feeling like second best, and MEAN IT!

Hopefully, you're in a position where you can afford to set up home without him?

I think you need to bring up with your DP how him being still married to someone else is making you feel and say that you need him to prioritise this. I know what you are saying about neither wants to pay and he won't because she won't but I don't think it's that uncommon a scenario.

I divorced my husband after 7 years of separation. I waited until my son was 18 so we didn't have to go through the financials with the court and explain about provisions for DS. I thought if pushed my ex would likely seek more from me than he ultimately would if I made it very straightforward (I had more assets in my name).

I wanted the divorce so I paid. That's just what it is. It was a relief though getting it done.

Your husband should want it for your peace of mind. If that is not a priority to him then I would be questioning his commitment. That said, I would have wanted this sorted before having a child with him.

On the subject of presents, we both spent £40-50 on gifts from our son for birthdays and Christmas and maybe a tenner on mothers/fathers day. Now DS is at uni he budgets for and buys his own gifts and we exchange wine or chocolates.

He is still with the OW. It's been 8 years now. I don't know if she knows or cares about our gift giving customs. We usually (although not always) exchange gifts here. My ex comes over on Christmas morning (yes still)!

He has an 8yr with still married wife

but separated 5yrs and with you for 4

why isn’t he divorced - yes it costs money (mine is on my credit card) or I would have never saved the money

if he dies she will get everything as married

and yes nice to do gifts - I buyex something from dd which she chooses

I wouldn’t be spending £60 on a gift for him though

I spend about £100 on my kids' dad's birthday / Christmas presents. He does similar for me. It's a nice thing to do. He's a good person.

Maybe if you had a baby by the still married man, it would be different?

So you actually are jealous and annoyed he won't divorce his wife, that makes more sense. Perhaps in their relationship presents were more of a thing.

His DS wants to buy him presents and his mother gives him the money and helps him choose, none of your business. You sound rather jealous of his former relationship, remember he is with you now. This isn't a big deal, don't make it one. And he probably does the same and facilitates his son buying his mother presents as he should.

@HelloUpThere
i have recently left my partner of 8 years and I felt I needed to comment here after reading your update. As this is so something he would have done. I remember 1 year I got nothing for Mother’s Day (from my kids which DP would have taken care them to get) as he doesn’t really like occasions. But he took his DC to buy something for their mum. I was gutted he felt it was ok to make that effort for her and not for me esp as he was already in the shop anyway!!

he also wasn’t divorced until around 9 months ago. I brought it up so many times. Not being able to name him as my next of kin, not being able to buy a house or make any future plans really because of this. He didn’t see it as important and also used the ‘too expensive’ card which it wasn’t as they had 0 assets. I divorced my ex after 1 year and we had much more complications.

he would also spend money on other things I didn’t see that should be a priority over divorce (gadgets, clothes etc).

in the end it just felt like I wasn’t important enough to him and it bred so much resentment I no longer cared if he bothered to divorce or not as I had already written off any future. It wasn’t easy to leave, I’m still finding it hard some days. But I was done being 2nd best.

Just to balance the divorce conversation.

I’ve been separated for nearly 3 years, but we still haven’t done the divorce. All financial stuff is done, and we’ve moved on in our lives (although no new - permanent- partners involved) but we just haven’t pressed the button. There are definitely no feelings still there. He is the father of my child, and he’s a friend, but we will never be a couple again.

It’s not always a red flag if the divorce isn’t signed.

One thing MN has taught me, is that posts like yours are often about something much deeper than the OP.

What does your partner say when you speak to him about how important it is to you, that he prioritises ending his marriage? Especially as he's started a new family with you.
Does he care at all, about the precarious situation you and your shared child are in?

This is all about perception I suppose. When I read your title saying "Expensive gifts" I was thinking £500 + not a £50 bottle of aftershave.

I'd day £50 is a pretty standard gift price for Fathers days etc

A straight forward divorce would be around £600 - The problem here is that your DP isn't prioritising you or your feelings! I wouldn't be worried that his ex is buying £50 presents, I would be wondering why he still wants to be married to her!!