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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think she should have spoken to his partner first?

35 replies

NotSurprisedReallyNow · 09/09/2026 21:23

A long time ago (about 15 years!) my best friend dated someone she knew via her friend(he was a relative of her friend).

They didn’t end on good terms but that’s all I know. Anyway yesterday she got a message from his current partner , ultra polite asking did she date him and could she please , if possible speak to her.
To me this would ring alarm bells?
To find someone on fb and ask in the way she did ?

My friend immediately contacted the friend who she knew him through and asked her to call his family to say this woman is messaging her and that he needed to know.

AIBU to think she should have waited and actually asked the current partner if everything was ok ?? She’s now pissed off with me because I said I think she did the wrong thing and if it’s a dv situation or something like a Clare’s law disclosure she could have really contributed to an issue alerting him ?

OP posts:
Catza · 10/09/2026 09:53

ChopSueyCharcuterieBoard · 09/09/2026 22:02

You've made up a scenario in your head and had a go about it, rather than sympathising with your friend who is upset and dealing with a real situation right in front of you.

It may be the guy using a fake account, she may be asking about an affair, he might have made up some shit that your friend is obsessed and she wants to have a go.... there are a million reasons. You jumped to the worst case scenario and had a go at a hurt woman who didnt ask to be involved.

I really think you're due your friend an apology.

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The safest option is to assume that the woman who going in touch is in danger. It's not that wild of an assumption to make given how many women are in these circumstances. It the OP's friend is still traumatised after a relationship which ended 15 years ago, it's unlikely to have ended over an argument of what to have for dinner...
Even if she didn't want to get involved, alerting the man in question was a dick move. It would have been better to just ignore the message. Yes, you may be right that the interaction was trivial but you may also be very wrong, in which case there may be a woman out there in real trouble as a result of OP's friend's actions.

ChopSueyCharcuterieBoard · 09/09/2026 22:02

NotSurprisedReallyNow · 09/09/2026 21:57

You do have a point and I do care about her feelings but my concern was for someone who might be in danger of harm rather than feeling upset

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You've made up a scenario in your head and had a go about it, rather than sympathising with your friend who is upset and dealing with a real situation right in front of you.

It may be the guy using a fake account, she may be asking about an affair, he might have made up some shit that your friend is obsessed and she wants to have a go.... there are a million reasons. You jumped to the worst case scenario and had a go at a hurt woman who didnt ask to be involved.

I really think you're due your friend an apology.

Original poster
NotSurprisedReallyNow · 09/09/2026 21:57

ChopSueyCharcuterieBoard · 09/09/2026 21:38

I don't think you should have criticised her.

She clearly has some kind of trauma from the relationship to have such a reaction, so you telling her she's awful for reacting badly to an unsolocited message about a guy who hurt her was never going to end well.

You're thinking about this stranger and her feelings, but you haven't thought about your friend and her feelings.

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You do have a point and I do care about her feelings but my concern was for someone who might be in danger of harm rather than feeling upset

OP posts:
RatsCatsandPuppies · 09/09/2026 21:39

ChopSueyCharcuterieBoard · 09/09/2026 21:38

I don't think you should have criticised her.

She clearly has some kind of trauma from the relationship to have such a reaction, so you telling her she's awful for reacting badly to an unsolocited message about a guy who hurt her was never going to end well.

You're thinking about this stranger and her feelings, but you haven't thought about your friend and her feelings.

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I think this is also a fair point too.

ChopSueyCharcuterieBoard · 09/09/2026 21:38

NotSurprisedReallyNow · 09/09/2026 21:32

Yes even if she had just ignored / blocked it would have been better just in case there’s a safety issue. She’s just so annoyed with me for criticising her.

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I don't think you should have criticised her.

She clearly has some kind of trauma from the relationship to have such a reaction, so you telling her she's awful for reacting badly to an unsolocited message about a guy who hurt her was never going to end well.

You're thinking about this stranger and her feelings, but you haven't thought about your friend and her feelings.

RatsCatsandPuppies · 09/09/2026 21:38

I’ve been there - I actually messaged a partners ex on Facebook in a similar way as I was becoming scared of him and feared a history of DV and that a pattern of behaved was developing. This is before Claire’s law requests could be made. She was honest with me, obviously didnt tell him, and I got away. I could well owe my life to that woman.

Original poster
NotSurprisedReallyNow · 09/09/2026 21:32

ChopSueyCharcuterieBoard · 09/09/2026 21:31

She didnt want to get involved, and so involved someone closer to the couple who probably does know more of what's going on.

I think I would just have blocked her. I wouldn't want to be dragged into a situation like that either.

Yes even if she had just ignored / blocked it would have been better just in case there’s a safety issue. She’s just so annoyed with me for criticising her.

OP posts:
ChopSueyCharcuterieBoard · 09/09/2026 21:31

She didnt want to get involved, and so involved someone closer to the couple who probably does know more of what's going on.

I think I would just have blocked her. I wouldn't want to be dragged into a situation like that either.

LaterSunrise · 09/09/2026 21:27

You’re not wrong. She may have endangered the woman, or at least alerted her ex that his current partner is aware of an affair etc.

Catza · 09/09/2026 21:27

Your friend is a dick. Women should support women. If one of my ex's current partner contacted me in a similar manner, I would absolutely speak to her first. Most of them would get a glowing review. A couple of them I would really like to warn other women about.