AIBU to think she should have spoken to his partner first?

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OK, great sarcasm.......it's like reading Dorothy Parker.
I'm not interested in fighting, thank you.

Yes, I guess it is quite controversial to think that people with experience, knowledge and training are a safer option than random strange women who happened to date your partner years ago 🙄

We'll have to differ on that.......

If my exes new partner messaged me then I wouldnt help her. I had a hard enough time getting myself out of the relationship and getting him to leave me the fuck alone. Not a chance i would want to take the risk of inviting all that back in again.

Random strangers aren't the people to reach out to for helpthere are trained people for that.

Really, why? Would you not want to help a woman in physical danger?

If that's the case its totally unfair to put that onto a complete stranger.

For 'the stranger' it may be more than feelings; it maybe her wellbeing or even her life.

I was contacted by the new(ish) partner of an ex, and I did respond to her. In fact, we even met up and still occasionally exchange messages. She needed some perspective on what was happening with her partner (my ex from several years back).

I always suspected one of his girlfriends would find me one day and ask for help. Anyway, it was the right thing for her and me to get in touch.

I don't want to say any more than that, as it might be outing, but I do think your friend should have responded to the woman who got in touch with her.

Fifteen years is a very long time ago. How did this woman even know your friend's name? And surely he's had more recent partners? You also have to wonder what this current partner expected to gain of value from a stranger who knew him such a long time ago. However, I'm not sure that your friend sending a message to him about what was going on was the best thing to do. I would have messaged her to find out what it was all about.

I would have done what the friend did tbh. I don’t need or want to be dragged into a couple’s relationship.

If it is a DV situation how is contacting a girlfriend from 15 years ago going to help.

Actually I likely would have just ignored the message.

I am sure you are aware that, statistically, women are at a much higher risk of DV. I worked with male victims of DV for a very long time and, yes, I will support any man or any person who identifies as anyone they wish. However, I will continue presuming that any woman is a higher priority of me personally because, statistically, I am much more likely to come across her in my daily and my working life.
I am finding it interesting that you chose to pick this particular line as problematic rather than acknowledge that a person contacting OP's friend (regardless of their sex and/or gender) could have been at risk. If you truly believe that everyone who might be at risk needs support, why does it matter what language I use to advocate for this person?

If a stranger contacted me about an ex who hadn't abused me, and who hadn't displayed potentially abusive red flags while we were dating, I wouldn't assume abuse just from a random message. Thinking about one of my exes - about the gentlest man you could ever meet, too much for his own good sometimes - I would actually worry more FOR him.

There are also exes who - despite breaking up for whatever reason - you still respect enough to automatically take their side.

Of course there are plenty of men I've known where I might well assume abuse if I was contacted about them. But in this case, it's the OP's friend who actually knows him, and she obviously didn't. That's not because she's stupid or naive, that's because she's going off what she knows about this man. And she knows him better than the OP does, so I'm not sure it's the OP's place to scold her.

This was my 1st thought. Something has most likely happened and the woman is only just starting to realise she’s being abused in some way. Very sad, I hope she gets some help elsewhere. I doubt she is reaching out over any sort of small matteretc after 15 years. I think the OP’s friend has been very silly here personally. He may well have old photos / videos of her or admitted to doing some something to her historically that she’s unaware of and this woman may have wanted to let her know.

I think your friend was hasty, how old is she? As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to try and delay a response to anything like this because you need time to process. I agree with you that to reach out to someone from a long time ago probably means there are some red flags and it isn’t helpful to then go and declare this and maybe putting someone in a difficult situation.

That said, this isn’t your friends responsibility to shoulder and she is entitled to do as she pleases. At this point, I would reach out to her and say that you don’t want to fall out about it. Many women haven’t been on the other end of any type of abuse and I think it shows. I assume you maybe have and therefore can pick up on signs and behaviours as I probably would. Your friend will hopefully come around a bit and realise this. I do hope the other woman is okay. I don’t think you are the right people to help her though.

Also, this man may have videos / photos of your friend that shouldn’t have been discarded or that she wasn’t aware of. Maybe he admitted to doing something to your friend that the girlfriend feels she ought to know. 15 years is a long time but if you catch an STD it can stay with you forever and drive you mad wondering how you got it when you were careful etc. I think your friend has handled this unwisely but it’s up to her as an adult isn’t it? I think she’ll regret her response one day.

It’s not a hard concept to grasp that this isn’t a “woman supporting woman” thing.

People should support anyone who might be in danger regardless of their sex. Now that is not a hard concept to grasp.

We should support them if there is even the slightest chance they can be in danger. Even if the woman is a racist, even if she is poisoning homeless cats, even if she is bloody Margaret Thatcher, I would put my personal feelings aside if I thought there was even a small chance she was in trouble. Once I was confident she was safe, then I would tell her how I feel about racism and killing cats without sparing her feelings. It's really not that hard a concept to grasp.

It's about who you already trust.

Message from complete stranger on the internet - zero trust, normally assume scam.

Pre-existing friend, with known contact details - known person, probably trusted.

People would really override that because completely unknown message says it comes from a woman?? I'm stunned.

“Women should support women” is just a ridiculous sentiment. Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes and do wrong things.

Just because they’re a woman doesn’t mean we should support them in everything.

Women in dv situations don't always think straight, so calling the police or WA may not have occurred to her or it could be that she wasn't ready to make it 'official' . (If it was indeed a dv situation)

I cant believe she did that.
If she was worried it would bring drama to her door, she could have just bloody ignored it and blocked her. Surely by running to the family she's more involved?!?

Yanbu imo, she is wrong - i would guess it was more about 'keep me out of drama' than anything, but she should've thought it through properly 😩, I would instantly think 'abuser'

The safest option for the woman would be to contact WA or the police, not reach out to a complete stranger online.

Ops friend may not have handled it perfectly, but people rarely do if there's trauma involved. She didnt deserve to chastised for it.

If she was in danger then she needs to go to the police. Not some random ex gf.

This. I also wouldn’t want to be involved in someone else’s drama.