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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel undermined by DH over our teenager’s behaviour?

30 replies

Lostinthewoods1234 · 09/09/2026 21:20

I can’t work out if I’m in the wrong or being gaslit.

3 kids, eldest 14 nearly 15 and fast going off the rails. Youngest has non-verbal autism and GDD and I do spend a lot of time with his care. DH and I essentially co-parent under the same roof, we both work full time, normal financial stresses with COL, kids and additional strain of ASN. Very little time together alone as no family nearby. Anyway we truck along, but eldest is really concerning me. Speaks to me
in awful language if I ask him to do anything he doesn’t want to (f’ing c* etc). If DH overhears he will say now don’t speak to your mother like that but that’s all he does. DS simply ignores me when I challenge/reprimamd him. DH runs all phone contracts and won’t take his phone off his as punishment telling me I need to deal with him. But I can’t -
he is bigger than me, newly rude to me and now keeps skipping school. Again DH Doesn’t really do anything- he’ll shout at him and say you’re not going out all week then the next night he lets him out because DS says sorry to him etc. I’m at
my wit’s end. It almost feels like I’m up against some sort of toxic masculinity in the house. I’ve tried talking to DS/ asking to go for a meal / walk to talk and he just laughs at me. DH raises his voice at me if I try and talk any of this through with him. Tonight he told me it is my fault DS is like this and walked off when I tried to talk more (common theme). I now need to go and settle the 2 younger ones and he will watch tv until eldest comes in past curfew and will tell him off and by the time I come
downstairs they will be all matey and I’ll basically be told I’m useless. I feel increasingly low and don’t know what to do. I

OP posts:
TheGoddessFrigg · 11/09/2026 08:10

Do you spend any time with your eldest, just the two of you? Because reading this, it sounds like the only attention he gets from you is negative- ie when he acts badly
Could you not take him out for lunch or out shopping and try to find out what is going on with him?

Wajeehakamran · 11/09/2026 08:03

I can understand why you feel undermined. It sounds like you’re being left to handle the difficult behaviour while DH isn’t backing you up, and then blaming you when things go wrong. You both need to be on the same page with boundaries and consequences, otherwise it’s almost impossible for you to manage this on your own.

Original poster
Lostinthewoods1234 · 09/09/2026 23:02

TwinklyAmberSloth · 09/09/2026 22:38

That sounds tough. And there is me annoyed that my DH doesn't encourage our teen DS to go to bed at a reasonable time then its me who has to get him up for school!!

Can you confiscate his phone? My 15 year old has to hand his over at 10pm.

I agree with the above and stop doing anything for your DS if he behaves like that. No laundry. No meals. In fact do the same for your DH.

Is your DS taking drugs? Any ideas why he is behaving like this?

I am nervous to confiscate it as he keeps skipping school and ending up in town until late and at least with his phone I know he can call for help if needed. I did however ask my husband to insist he lets me see his location (which he has refused to do lately). That’s the problem though, somehow I am reliant on him to MAKE DS do things which feels wrong. I have no idea what’s causing the behaviour, he was essentially a model student until last year. I have wondered about drugs but have no proof and he simpl
refuses to talk to me at all.

OP posts:
TwinklyAmberSloth · 09/09/2026 22:38

That sounds tough. And there is me annoyed that my DH doesn't encourage our teen DS to go to bed at a reasonable time then its me who has to get him up for school!!

Can you confiscate his phone? My 15 year old has to hand his over at 10pm.

I agree with the above and stop doing anything for your DS if he behaves like that. No laundry. No meals. In fact do the same for your DH.

Is your DS taking drugs? Any ideas why he is behaving like this?

DahliaDelights · 09/09/2026 22:21

My immediate reaction is dont engage.

Dont argue, don't expect DH to defend you (he's shown you he won't, that's a seperate altogether more complex issue that isnt the base of this thread).

When DS is aggressive or insulting you; withdraw; "I wont interact with you when you act like this, come back to me when you can act respectfully" and step back. Whatever you were doing, stop, whatever you were asking, tell DH to handle it, don't argue with DH about it, just tell him to handle the situation and walk away.

Dont do anything for DS, don't do any laundry, don't do him any food, don't do anything whilst he is treating you with contempt. When the situation is calm (not during anger or aggression or argument), tell him that all relationships are built on respect and trust, if he isnt respectful toward you then he doesnt get the benefits of your relationship, his dad can provide everything for him as they are "great mates".

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