AIBU to feel undermined by DH over our teenager’s behaviour?

As heartbreaking as it is, you can't carry on like this. Your husband is constantly undermining you and he is failing as a parent. Your other children are living in this war zone and you are heading for a breakdown. You can't implement any kind of consequences for your son if your husband won't stick to them.

You did the right thing calling the police, your son's behaviour is out of control. I'd also be worried about drugs - when he goes out, have a good search of his room. In my experience, teenagers are pretty rubbish at hiding stuff so if there's anything to find, I expect you'll find it.

I think the relationship with your husband has reached breaking point and I can't see any improvement unless you separate. If your son chooses to live with his dad, you can tell him that he is on a dangerous path and that you love him too much to see him ruining his life and that his dad letting him get away with that behaviour is failing him as a parent. And tell him he'll always have a home with you but that you won't allow him to treat you like dirt. Sometimes tough love is needed. Sending hugs to you, I really feel for you 🫂

I would leave the oldest with his father and take the younger two with you.

Honestly, your life sounds dreadful and not sustainable.

You are being mentally abused.

Take care of yourself.

You poor woman.
It reads to me as if your husband is covertly abusing you via your son.

You are rightly nervous of the size of him.
I think speaking to Women's aid for support for yourself whilst talki to the school too.

Perhaps separating and him living with his father is the answer.

Sometimes things cannot be changed.

Your son and his behaviour is a reflection of the kind of man his father is. I went through something similar. My husband (now Ex) would roll his eyes and smirk at my son when I spoke. Constantly undermining me, calling me names and wanting to be my son’s best mate rather than his father. This led to my 12 year old son speaking to me, his sister and his grandmother like crap. The school highlighted that his disrespectful behaviour was always aimed at women.

I divorced my husband and initially had both children living with me. I realise now that it was too late, I should have divorced him years ago as now my son was acting very much the same way his dad was. The ex continued to play the Disney dad, son would be sent home from school for bullying, ex would take him to a football match at the weekend whereas I was putting him on tech bans, grounding, the works. I would block his phone, ex would allow him to use a tablet at his house to access all his apps. In the end, my son chose to live with him because he was “sick of my rules”. What like going to school and not being horrible 🙄. Anyway, after initially being devastated I realised that this is the first time in my whole life that I don’t live with an angry man ( at 14 he is much taller than me and physically intimidating).

I also didn’t realise the impact his behaviour was having on my daughter. She is so much happier and my son says he’s happier at his dad’s so both children at least feel supported.

To be honest, without me to try and keep him in line his behaviour has continued to get worse but now Ex is the one being hauled up to the school or having the police at his door.

My son comes up for dinner a couple of times a week and I support my ex when he wants to address his poor behaviour but other than that all I can do is keep my door open should my son need help or support.

You are right to be concerned. I'd recommend you go for counselling for yourself. From what you've written your DH is triangulating with your DS and aggravating the behaviour problems. I think you need professional advice.

Ah so younger dc both girls? Have you ever cancelled plans with ds for the DDs?

I would ask school for their help and I would call the NSPCC and ask for their advice. This is too much for you to deal with alone. You can be open that you and your husband do not agree and they can at least help you to be pragmatic.

Your DS is not a lost cause. I know it is tough especially with your other children needing you too. You are feeling weak purely because you are so incredibly strong!

This, you have 3 dc but 2 who have additional needs and take up all your time? What’s the age difference? Hoe much of his childhood was spent overshadowed as he would see it?

Is that really a bad thing? At least you cant then get blamed for the poor behaviour...

And when he gets bored of no boundaries he will probably want to come back.

Your problem isnt your DS, its your DH.

Unless you get on the same page you're fucked. And it sounds like your DH doesnt respect you, he thinks all the issues atmre yours and that the sun shines out of DS backside. Because if this, you DS knows whatever you say ir do doesnt matter a jot because he just has to run to daddy and daddy will overturn anything and make you the villain. I think youre right about splitting with DH, thats inevitable. The sooner the better.

Put an Apple tag in his bag /sew one into his jacket and track him.
seize his smartphone for 24 hrs each episode of rudeness
Consider a downgrade to a brick phone ? So he can call home.
your husband doesn’t consider what you say is important, so your son is learning this I think
would you three consider family therapy ?

This is a massive DH problem and you need to stand up to him. You CANNOT let your children see your DH undermine you.

When your DH told you that you'd made it all about you, what was your reply? Because my reply would have been "DS was badly behaved, I put a punishment in place for his poor behaviour and told him he was NOT going out. The ONLY issue here is that you then completely undermined the punishment that was given and have rewarded his poor behaviour by doing this. If you think putting boundaries in place for a child isn't the correct thing to do then it's YOU who has the problem here."

Personally I think you need to leave this relationship. Take the younger two with you and let your DH parent your DS.

You are the parent here. He is a CHILD.

He needs to have clear boundaries in place, and you also need to have your DH enforcing these boundaries along side you.

TELL your son the rules. If he is rude to you, you will take his phone away for 24 hours. If he skips school, he will lose his phone for a week.

You need to then take his phone. He doesn't need a phone to contact you if he skips school. Make him learn your number and he can call from a friend's phone.

If there is no clear action and consequence then you're fighting a losing battle.

If your DH doesn't back you up then your relationship is pointless. Your son is clearly learning from the way your DH speaks to you, and the fact you don't seem to argue back and you just let him walk away.

Stand up for yourself. Parenting is tough.

My 15 year old is bigger than me and if he is rude to me then I take his phone.

The problem is with your dh and its knock on effect on your ds. Your dh doesn’t respect you and your ds is following suit.
I would take a step back, provide the essentials but nothing more. Tell dh that ds doesn’t respect you and that it’s his job to set the rules with him.

Put a tile in DS's school bag. Track him.
He seems like he is living a life of peril.
Call the Police on him if he is bringing drugs into the home.
To miss school means a snowballing of poor educational results.

I would also disengage, do him no favours and physically take his phone off him if he disobeys curfew. Turn it onto silent or bury it in the garden. He gets it back when he IS sorry and when he abides the fair rules of his parents' home.

Make sure your DH gets plenty of time caring for youngest. You deserve to be sitting on the sofa too.