AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

Oh Christ the step mums comment was way worse. I can’t believe people think what she said was offensive. I feel v sorry for you op we live in such a bonkers world where people go out of their way to be offended but I’d apologise and be done with it for the sake of the club

I mean, it's probably not the phrasing I'd naturally use, but no, if talking about someone who is involved and proud in their Black or Jewish identity, I don't see the problem in saying describing it in those terms. ("Disabled" is such a broad term that saying "as disabled as they come" doesn't seem to make sense... but "as neurodivergent as they come", for example, would.)

Again, I can totally understand how if said in a negative tone or in the context of a conversation that contained those offensive stereotypes, it COULD be an offensive or othering statement. But absent those things, this idea that it is inherently offensive seems to have some underlying assumption that being gay, or Black, or Jewish, is something to feel shame over.

I agree that we'll probably never get the full context, however.

And we wonder why so many people feel such social anxiety that they are on benefits because they can't face going to work.

Why? Are you one of these perpetually offended?

I cannot help but notice you demand maximum charitabilaty for interpretation of your own joke which may well be viewed as bullying from some quarters itself, yet you are claiming full interior understanding of the motivations of others to believe bullying when it could just as easily be a defensive measure in the face of your perceived meanness.

Your position would land more sympathetically to me if I had read a strong sense of mortification at having caused the offence to begin with and a strong attempt to make repair for it, but you seem to be more concerned how it affects you. Which reads as more self interested than contrite.

Would you say someone was as black as they come, as disabled as they come, or as Jewish as they come? Or can you recognise those are offensive statements that play on stereotypes and are othering? If that is the phrase the SM used about her SS then I think that is far more problematic than what @Sasco86 claims to have said.

Of course, for such a strong reaction from everyone she knows then one of two things has happened a) @Sasco86 has downplayed what she has said and reworded what the SM has said to garner sympathy on MN or b) the SM has lied about the situation the other way round when reporting the OP. We will never know which it is.

@Sasco86

Id put in a counter adult safeguarding complaint for bullying if you feel this is what’s happening. From experience these types really don’t like it when you use thier weapons against them.

I would also embellish that it was entrapment. I know you won’t become your to nice . Hope it all works out for you

It was her stepson though, so really not that big of a deal.

I think you hit a raw nerve with her. I would correct anyone that speaks about it and just face up to it directly. It won’t meet safeguarding thresholds, but it was a stupid comment.

edited to say I would speak with safeguarding directly and explain what the conversation was. This woman doesn’t coat herself in glory with her unpleasant chat about step son.

It was a blunt thing to say, but she's overreacted. Sounds like you touched a nerve OP.

It's a bit of a crass thing to say but I can't see where the safeguarding issue. Seems like a major over reaction - the sort of thing that trivialises safeguarding when it is actually very important. Safeguarding is not there to protect adults from bad 'jokes'

The world's gone fucking mad.

I genuinely don't understand how that's so obviously offensive, unless you view being gay as something bad/offensive in itself?

I can absolutely see how it could be said offensively, depending on the tone and context, but the words itself are no different from saying someone is as northern as they come, or as athletic as they come, or whatever.

I wouldn’t apologise! The woman needs to consider what comes out of her own mouth! Talking about her step son in that way, how disrespectful towards him. She is othering him.

OP - how did she end up on the topic of discussing her step son’s sexuality in the first place?

I hate people who weaponise safeguarding. I’d report her back for homophobic comments about her own son and see how she likes it.
but it was a stupid thing to say on your behalf

She sounds like one who would go for the smelling salts given any opportunity

I think what the other mum - the step mum - said, was worse- 'my step son is as gay as they come'. Wth. That's offensive. Perhaps she was projecting her own guilt onto you, as you'd highlighted what she said so it wasn't forgotten iyswim. All of it unnecessary - but she's the SM for gods sake, She's the awful one. Poor SS.

How was what you said a joke?

What was the funny bit?

Not being deliberately obtuse, but was the joke that what you said is completely untrue or that actually gay people are known to have lots of kids and you were subverting expectations

to me it sounded like a weird and mean comment (and also a bit outdated) but that does not make it a joke

To be fair, we only have OP's perception that it was a joke. (I can see a context in which saying someone is "as gay as they come" would just be a factual comment, ie. he's definitely not bi, or he's known he was gay all his life, or something).

Maybe it's a generational thing. To me that would be a passing comment. Wouldn't really view it as homophobic even if I guess these days gay men seem to want kids. Never used to be the case.

She mad a joke about her stepsons sexuality. Some would say that was an inappropriate comment!!

Really naff comment from you. I wouldn’t want to be around you either.

It must have hurt her in exactly where she hurts for her to react that way.. however safeguarding, telling everyone and bullying you out is insane. But how was you to know.
she should have said to at the time, that’s not funny and that it has hurt her deeply. However she didn’t and now the only thing you can do is initiate a repair strategy.
i would actually go and speak to her, face to face and explain, sorry you said that, it was thoughtless, you didn’t think it through but meant no harm and now realise it was out of turn to say that. It was an off the cuff remark that you didn’t know would hurt her and would like to apologise for any offence.
then see what happens

Well, if the stepson is a child/teen the “anytime soon” does apply doesn’t it? Because he can’t accidentally get someone pregnant if he’s “as gay as they come”.

That doesn’t mean that he can’t NEVER have children because he’s gay.

Is the SS late 20s/30s where a baby is a viable option through various methods? Or is he still a kid /teen? In which case the joke kind of works.
I have a few friends who have gay (teen)daughters and one of the running jokes is “at least she won’t come home pregnant “. That’s coming from the mothers themselves.