AIBU to feel unfairly ostracised after a joke at the sports club?

Have you tried just apologising…?

Keeping minds shut is exactly what the problem is. You can’t dictate what people think, even if you really want to. Diversity of thought allows considered discussion of ideas and the ability to disagree with others without the need to call the police. Everyone has the right to offend others, this is what OP did. It wasn’t targeted or sustained harassment of the child themselves.

What age are the children?

It does seem like an over reaction on the face of it. The only thing I can think is there’s something going on you don’t know about - eg does she have another child that is going through fertility struggles, or has just had a miscarriage? If so, the pain of that may be very raw and your comment just hit that open nerve unintentionally. Or if he’s a step son, does she have children of her own already? If not, maybe she has/had fertility issues

I am struggling to understand the safeguarding concern. Was there anything else said by either of you? Was your comment said in front of/within earshot of the children at the group? That’s still a stretch, but possibly enough for them to investigate!

Can you give an example of some of the lies that have been told to your children?

Adoption in general has some ethical question marks over it;
Say, what?
Providing a stable and loving home for a child in care is, in general, unethical????

Bloody hell on this forum if someone can’t have children they get told to get over it if someone says something insensitive. Childless women often get told they don’t know what love is. They can’t complain about being tired as they don’t know what tired is. They are selfish as they never learned to put others ahead of themselves. But if a childless person complains about that they get told it’s true so it’s not horrible to say. But if someone might not have grandchildren even just mentioning it is cruel and kicking someone where it hurts!

Your comment wasn’t a joke but the mum is making a mountain out of a molehill.

It’s not funny and it’s quite rude but I don’t see it as homophobic so don’t understand the big reaction. But if you want to continue to enjoy the club you would be best to apologise for offending her . Then carry on like it didn’t happen.

Complete drama llama, I’d barely register that tbh I’d be a bit weirded about by someone banging on about how super gay their step kid is tbh

OP was just responding in the same vein tbh, it’s not like gay men have accidental pregnancies, clearly gay people are less likely to have kids, they really have to go out of their way to have them. If DD was gay and someone said “no grandkids for you then” I would hardly be going home and sobbing myself to sleep. Complete overreaction imo.

The problem with this is that there is genuine homophobia which is repulsive and theres this which may have been a little bit thoughtless but clearly not motivated by malice.

What are the people who were there saying?

What happened in the immediate aftermath of your comment?

what I perceived as a jokey conversation

It appears that you perceived wrong.

I assume that you have apologised and explained why you made that comment?

Many gay people describe themselves as being ‘as gay as they come’, that isn’t an invitation to joke about a protected characteristic.

You lost a great opportunity to keep your mind shut ! Plus I work with 2 gay couples one has 2 kids and the other has 4 . Your ignorance and bigoted view got you in trouble and if you don’t think what you said is unacceptable then reporting g you was right !

A silly comment. An over reaction following her own silly comment.

Do you have any gay friends, OP?

I wouldn’t even make that joke to my own friends let alone a stranger. You have no idea what’s going on in people’s lives so it was a thoughtless joke.

Two things don’t make a right though, so I would report her or anyone else for any bullying behaviour.

She set the tone by jokingly remarking her stepson was, "gay as they come". What you said was clumsy but I don't think it deserves the reaction you have experienced.

This woman doesn't like you and has capitalised on this by complaining about what you said. I wouldn't be surprised if she has embellished it by saying that you are homophobic.

I would probably consider leaving. The situation has been blown out of proportion and it will be hard for you to explain it from your viewpoint.

Thi thing you don't seem to understand is that it is ok for a parent to say things about their own children, but completely different for an outsider to say them!

Are you sure-really sure- that’s all that was said? Because everyone universally ostracising you because of this sounds a bit odd…..

It’s a case of ‘alright for the parent to say’ but no one else. An ‘unspoken rule’ of parenthood.

A bit like when a parent says their child isn’t good at something (like at sports day a parent said one their child was ‘useless’ at sports) the correct response is ‘ah it’s about that taking part’ or ‘Fred’s great at cello though’ rather than ‘yeah he’s pretty shit isn’t he?’

Not quite the same, but just one of those ‘things.’

You were a bit silly to comment. She’s over-reacted in her response.

Saying something “odd” is a safeguarding issue ?

It was a stupid and outdated thing to say. I’m not sure why safeguarding needs to be involved but in fairness you did say something that was not only outdated but quite cruel. I’m not going to say you deserve this or whatever and she’s probably just feeling quite sensitive about this issue and you touched a nerve but you do need to think before you speak.

I have gay friends who've made the exact same joke. Are we pretending it's as quick and easy for a gay couple to have a baby as a hetero couple now? "Anytime soon" doesn't mean he'll never have a baby, just that it will take a while if he does.

Sometimes when there's a jokey conversation going on people join in and say things they wouldn't ordinarily say in order to keep the banter going. You'd have to be pretty humourless and vindictive to pretend this was said with cruel intentions. Jokes often poke fun at the darker things in life in order to make them more bearable.

None of this should need to be said.

I think you have been treated unfairly here OP.

was the phrase “as gay as they come” used and in a jocular way? If so, I think your response was in a similarly jocular way and she has hugely overreacted.
if she said “oh he is gay” and you pronounced she wouldn’t be having grandkids then I can see her point in being upset - but even then - still a massive overreaction

the world is permanently offended. It’s not good for conversation

Does the child's mother know her ex's new partner is speaking about her child in that manner in public? If not, she ought to.

What an odd thing to say. It's no wonder you were reported.

What a weird thing to say.