AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

I'm afraid it's that old saying OP.

'If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've got'.

I'd love you to take action. You'll be doing them a favour, make them think.

Them not saying thank you is a much much bigger deal to me. That’s outrageous and my mum would be disgusted if I didn’t thank them… she’d wonder why my manners had deserted me.

The way things are with my family, whichever generation is the oldest pays when we go out. So grandparents pay if we all go, parents if they don't go, us if it's just us/us and siblings. It'll be paid back to future generations as they come along and get things paid for them. There's absolutely no point arguing this, they always win!

If you can't afford it, that's different of course.

This would hurt me big time, but my love language is gifts for others so I’m not totally impartial (it is not my receiver love language)

I pay my Mum for childminding (she could have another job but if financially comfortable and doesn’t need paid but it is my way of showing gratitude to her) I treat her and Dad to holiday inclusion, spa days, random make up and pamper things and meals / coffee and treats. Why! Because I appreciate all she does for me and want her to know she is worth treasuring

so yes, I would be really hurt if I was in Your shoes. It is not the money per se, but the unspoken expectation and feeling taken for granted. I would start to be first in the queue and only pay for my own order. Just to test the waters and gauge the reaction and go from there. Do not be a walk over or an unappreciated mug. Take a subtle and gentle stand

Next time, please do. And you don't have to phrase it as a question either. A conversation can go something like this:
"Mum, I think I will have filet mignon"
"That's a lovely choice, darling. I am just going to order my own lunch. See you at the till when you are ready".

It’s downright rude ordering the most expensive thing on the menu on a consistent basis when someone else is paying

He is a rude entitled tight twat and it is definitely not your fault because you are quite clearly a generous person

Please forget your purse next time or if you arrange to meet by text drop in the line only if you are paying etc or similar

Id happily buy you a coffee and cake!

Last mothering Sunday I informed my kids (20 and 24) that they were taking me out for breakfast. I still had to organise it and booked the restaurant, but made it clear they were paying for mine between them!

One is working full time and living with her partner's parents rent free, the other lives rent free with me (currently struggling to find a job post college) but gets some universal credit. So, I thought it was about time they treated me given that I've looked after them and paid for everything for years including 4 years of university for DD which cost me £25,000.

When it came to the bill I told them they needed to request it from the waitress and then left them to pay up, and they did!

They need to learn. I'm not a cash cow they can also pay their way.

I would feel the same way OP. Your adult child sounds extremely selfish. Being tight with money is a horrible trait.

OP I don't think this is really about who picks up the bill for a cup of coffee.
You're thinking about this after your diagnosis because you feel vulnerable and you want to be the one being looked after for once.
I hope you have someone you can confide in. I think you need to tell your partner and let them shoulder some of your pain and comfort you. Tell your kid too because now its your turn to be looked after.
I wish you the best of luck.

I suspect you have nailed it yourself. You are using this as a distraction to a certain extent - the grievance probably runs deeper than a cup of tea and cake.
I know I became fixated on small grievances when I was diagnosed with cancer. I found I re- evaluated a lot of close relationships but I came to accept that some of the people I love are flawed and you either learn to accept it or distance yourself. I was incredibly hurt by one of my children’s apparent lack of concern when I was diagnosed and the same with a close friend. I gave my friend a mental deadline to show up by and she came through eventually but I’ve always known she can be very selfish on occasions but also very thoughtful. . .
I think it’s all tied in with the grief process. I got some counselling from a local palliative care charity. They were fantastic. If you can get. Counselling I would recommend it.

Serves us right, we are far too polite, we are all 'oh, it is OK, I don't want any presents, I don't want any money, it was a pleasure to have you as a child and spend all my money on you as a child'

MN is crazy too - 'our children owe us nothing'. Like fuck they don't. In that case we owe them bread, water, roof, end of. And to twist things in such a way that the most important gift, a gift of life is thrown back in our face - 'we did not ask to be born'. This is how swinery breeds. Or CF-ery.

Have you posted about this before OP? If you haven't then there's someone else with exactly the same problem.

I really feel for you, can you forget your purse/card/phone one day and see what happens? If that doesn't work, when they ask to meet up just say you can't afford it this week, big bills to pay.

This really needs sorting for your own peace of mind.

But why do you pay? You can go to the till and order food just for you. Or you can ask the waiter to split the bill.
Yes, maybe it is annoying and upsetting that your child doesn't offer but this doesn't mean that you should automatically assume you are paying. Order for yourself, pay your own bill and let them do what they like.
Will it magically make your child more caring? Maybe not, but maybe it will make them think for the first time on their life that you paying is no longer a norm.

Always always pay for my adult children when we go out. They do offer but I wouldn’t dream of them paying, they are at the beginning of their adult life and I am nearer the end so need to spend it.

Can't agree more. I notice it in mine too, it is inevitable. I have always been an utter pleaser to my parents, my dh, my colleagues and then I almost had a breakdown. I am such a people-pleaser that I have to stop myself being overly nice to people, including my family - e.g. I trained myself to nip in the bud this idiotic desire to get up earlier than anyone on week-ends, so when THEY get up, a wonderful breakfast be ready. I was feeling resentful of the expectation and my cue was a non-working school child said 'ah, this sweater - 70 quid, not bad, right?' I calmly explained how many hours they would have to work in a minimum-wage job after bus fares to and from and forbade them to comment on the price being 'not bad' until such a time as they start earning themselves. I may be abrupt, but one birthday, when I was given some rubbish present (bought with my money!!!!) - scented candles, etc. I said 'what is this rubbish? Please don't give me such rubbish presents ever again - I shall wait for you to graduate, get a proper job and get me a proper present (named the present). From now on, only cards and I shall wait for a proper present when you start working. People need to be told.

My friend’s dd and her boyfriend come around to visit - order take away and then expect my friend to pay - it’s cheeky fucker territory.

It suits you. I don’t ask or want gifts from my kids - I don’t need gifts - I do want them to buy me a coffee every now and then.

YANBU your DC is frankly a CF.

Please speak up. Id say something like it must be your turn to pay, I always pay or make yourself scarce when it comes to paying.

Sending you bigs and hope your health stays good for as long as poss x

I don’t think this matters. Amongst friends, one of us always asks and arranges - she shouldn’t be expected to pay - does that result in everyone waiting till someone else suggests a meeting because they are too tight to contribute.
Honestly it’s a bit tight to expect other people to fund you when you are working - even if they are wealthier than you - to expect it every time is unreasonable

My parents would never have accepted 1p from me (other than Christmas and birthday etc gifts). I will be the same forever with my kids. It’s the correct order of things.