AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

Absolutely. We do a lot of help with things like driving to hospital appointments or doing DIY for them, for example. When it snows and FIL can’t get out we do his shopping and check in on him every day or collect his prescriptions when he’s sick.

Both my parents and DH’s parents have way more money than we’ll ever have in our lifetimes (unless we win the lottery!). I don’t feel bad that they buy us coffee or lunch a few times a year when we do plenty for them at other times.

It’s only the odd cup of tea - it’s hardly a burden!

Exactly!
I think some people have a really transactional view of relationships

OP the fact that you’ve been a great mum is why it’s like this. Being a parent is all give. Your child has rightly spent most of their life not being responsible for your emotions of care. Raising an emotionally healthy child means providing unconditional love and support for them. It takes some longer to step out of that role and mindset than others.

I see a lot of mothers who feel this way when their children get older, and since I had my DD I’ve spent a lot of time reading and reflecting on parenting. This issue comes up a lot in attachment theories: sadly, if your child takes you for granted you’ve done a good job of providing that stable foundation for them.

Of course adults should be more considerate, but even adults tend to regress when they return to the family dynamic!

If it makes you feel any better too, I don’t think I or my brother matured properly until our late twenties. Our mum would never let us pay for anything - but she’s about to retire and has made it clear that will change soon as she won’t have enough money! The tables are turning a bit now as she gets older and will need us more.

OP I’m sure your child loves you. You’re just understandably looking for reassurance right now. Try to find it where it is - I’m sure there is plenty of evidence - instead of wanting it where it isn’t.

“Putting your handing pocket” isn’t the only way to show appreciation though. There are plenty of other ways you can show you care for someone.

I dont buy for my dad...he's loaded and I'm skint. I do pay for my own though.

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis, OP. You sound like a lovely person who hasn't had it easy and probably deserved more.

I'm possibly going to go against the grain here and say I dont think you (and other posters) should be adding to the pain by beating yourself up that you haven't raised them right.

My sibling is like this. My parents were not hard up but also not casual about money (my dad's business failed, lots of arguments about money, we didn't go abroad or have expensive things as children). It is only now in their 40s that they might offer to contribute to family dinners and I think only because they have seen their younger sister (me) pick up the bill. They're quite entitled in other ways too eg childcare. I was upset with 2 siblings when we treated our parents on a special birthday because they spent hundreds extra on drink which my parent then paid for(!!!). I didn't say anything though. I say this because we were raised the same so I don't think this can be blamed on my parents. Possibly I was more aware of finances because I was closer to my mum and she had much less money as my dad was financially controlling. But even so.

I think you are right that deep down they do know it's not ok and that's why they don't offer. Which suggests you have taught them what's right there's just a mental block there for them. I have observed in other families that people sometimes react oddly to any sense of obligation to do something eg getting a sibling nothing for a special birthday when their sibling had always spoiled them (think car for 21st). And it causes deep hurt and distance in the other person sadly. Some people only ever want to be 'generous' on their terms (eg my sibling will do extravagant flowers and cards on mother's/fathers day). Maybe they don't want to feel how much they owe you because they can never repay it all, not understanding that the gesture of cake is enough.

I hope your diagnosis will make them see you need taking care of too sometimes. I do think as my parents get older my sibling is slightly more inclined to make things more balanced. But also you are probably right that fixating on this is a distraction from your diagnosis. I am sometimes saddened by my sibling's tightness but they have other lovely qualities that I try to focus on instead. And it could always be worse. My cousin actually stole thousands from my uncle while he was in cancer treatment. I can't even imagine how painful that must have been.

I do hope you focus on looking after you for this next chapter and don't bend to their unspoken expectations of treats.

What a well thought out comment 🙄

I’m sorry OP but this is unreasonable. Someone tells you they are struggling to make ends meet and you still think they should pay for a coffee and cake they can’t afford?

Ah that’s going to feel hurtful for sure.
It sounds op like you’re just not used to asking for what you need. That doing so equates to not being loving or dutiful enough somehow. And maybe now with your diagnosis your body and mind are waking up to the idea that you really do deserve love and care, especially from those you have given love and care to for so long.

It will feel difficult asking for what you need from your child and also it will feel horrible because being bought tea by them is the way you have identified that it means they care about you.

Interested to know if they show love and care to you in other ways? Like maybe they don’t show love with paying but they give a lot of affection or help you when you need things done around the house etc.?

Honestly I would love yourself hard and put yourself first now. That means being the very best advocate and friend to yourself. It means being truthful to yourself and your loved ones. If they don’t understand when you do that then help them understand through personal boundaries.

Sending lots of hugs!

You could say, this one is on you! You could just forget it and enjoy their company

Definitely unwritten family rules are in place.
I loved treating my DM to lunch/coffee out. It just felt a natural thing to do when I was earning fairly well and she was on a pension. She’s spent years buying me things until I was 18.

She would refuse to let me pay and we’d have a battle at the till but I ususally trumped her. She was always super grateful.

However, I knew it also made her happy to treat me as I did quite a lot for her/care wise in her later years, so I’d give in occasionally.

She passed away recently and I will inherit a sum of money. It’s all irrelevant to me, I’d rather have her back here for a coffee/cake at Tesco cafe.

I would discuss the issue with them. I can’t see a reason not to tbh.

So not necessarily a "couple" granted. But my local cafe does a small cake and a basic coffee for £5.

Iit’s not the money - it’s the care, the thought, the desire to treat you that’s important, it makes you feel valued not taken for granted. It doesn’t matter if your parents are well off, it’s absolutely lovely when your AC say no mum I’ll get these. Buying someone a drink is not about who’s better off. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable I would feel as an adult not paying my share, even a small contribution and if not paying saying I wish I could pay and doing something else that’s nice to show your love and gratitude.
But there’s always been tight people who never stick their hand in their pockets, they are always the last ones to offer and even then it’s only even to cover their own. And for the parents who won’t accept their adult kids buying them a drink - there are other ways to spontaneously treat people if they won’t accept you paying a token amount - bring them flowers, chocolates etc you’d find a way if it mattered and your parents should matter.

I do think that this is a theme with single mums. My partner gives me presents, looks after me and thanks me for stuff so the kids have that behaviour modelled to them. It would be easy to grow up thinking your mum is s special case and doesn't need to be looked after if you haven't ever seen thst she 'deserves' it.

Maybe have a chat with your child in those terms. There's less blame-giving then and you can express the extent of your hurt and your love. Link it with your diagnosis and fears because that is what you are feeling now and it will help them to understand you better.

Lots of love to you OP. Good luck with everything.

When did you last offer?

Open your mouth and tell them your thoughts.

You’d open it for cake.

Op, you can work on this. ‘Sure, we can go out. Your shout I think, you’re an adult now and need to offer sometimes.’

I was thinking about this today and I think we've lost sight of teaching our children how to care about others and give to others.

I think quite a few of us have made everything children's centered where we do the giving and the children receive.

I remember some play time was making gifts for each other. They all seem to love doing that. For their siblings, grandparents, pets
They also learned how to feed and walk the dog which was a good experience in learning how to care for others

Where is this land where a coffee and a cake is a couple of quid

Local cafe was advertising coffee and cake for £10

sorry you're going through heath problems op.

i have 2 sons, they.re both generous with presents for birthdays/Christmas. one lives at home so the paying outside of home isn't an issue as it doen't happen - I think if I said I'd like to go out for a coffee he'd pay if i asked, or if we were on holiday, he would offer, but might need to be prompted. I think it's hard to change the adult/parent relationship when adult children live at home. though when we suggest something he's generally ok with contributing but it doesn;t occur to him unless we bring it uo. eg we have a,n event at home and his friends are invited, older son lives away and regularly pays for teas/coffees/ food out or cooks for us when we visit. I think ir's a bit odd that your child who no longer lives at home thinks you should cover cost of food out all the time. Perhaps you need to have a converstion with them about it though for us not necessary with away from home child.

Dear OP, I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. Your diagnosis seems to have heightened your sadness and resentment about it. I experience something similar with close family and also feel sad and resentful at times. It's a tough one and I can't pretend to have an easy answer. You're dealing with ingrained habits on both sides. That is to say, you are complicit in this.

Have your children ever seen another person making a huge fuss over you, treating you, buying you a lovely gift or taking you out to the cinema and drinks? Throwing a party for you? Sometimes single parents struggle along valiantly and never ask for or expect anything from their children. The children never view them as a person who needs support or a bit of TLC.

Does this DC pay for siblings or friends? Perhaps s/he is selfish as you've suggested. Or perhaps it's a lack of imagination. S/he might just need some encouragement and role modelling.

Regardless of cause, it's obviously really bugging you! You've been handed a lot of suggestions about dealing with this issue. Some advocate just accepting it. Others suggest you stop going out with this DC, pleading that you are skint. Others yet again suggest humorous banter and direct request.

Ultimately only YOU can decide whether you want to just accept the status quo and work with that: drop your resentment, continue to pay. Or just never eat out with this DC. OR do you want to say/do something about it?

If you choose to say something, it will need to be tailored to your own particular way. No good using crude banter or calling DC out for being tight if that's not the way you normally communicate.

Rather than feeling sad and resentful, perhaps express that you'd love a token of acknowledgement and how much a card and small gift would be appreciated on Mothers' Day. You ADORE peonies - a bunch on your birthday would bring you so much joy - could DC see the way to picking up some on the way over?

Sitting silently waiting has not worked... no good trying that one again.

Here are a few top-of-mind ideas.

Have a complicit friend or relative take you out for a birthday or Mothers' Day tea and pay for you. Ask DC to join you. Make sure complicit friend pays only for you, not for DC. DC witnesses another person treating you.
Your other child is seen by the tight DC giving you a present for your birthday, Mothers' Day or Xmas. In other words, some belated role modelling.

You state directly that you'll be happy to come out for tea and coffee AS LONG AS DC PAYS, as you are on a tight budget this month. Start with an inexpensive venue so that poor tight wad DC is not too shocked or put out.

Let DC know in advance of your birthday or Xmas that you'll be expecting a present. Broad hints might work: I'd love some perfume or a particular gadget. Or that bunch of flowers. Tell DC where it can be bought. In other words, help DC along.

Ask DC to pick up some cakes or pastries or take away on the way to yours for lunch, tea or dinner. DC PAYS. Effusive thanks from you.

In your own way, create scenarios which positively encourage mean DC to put hand in pocket. Speak up for yourself! And if and when DC does make the effort and does come through, show your appreciation clearly so that DC feels proud, rewarded for their effort and more likely to be more considerate in future.

Only you can do this. As the ad says: Cos you're worth it!