AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

My son has just started but was a student for a long time so I was happy to pay and when he first started earning. I think it took a while until I bought my parents stuff. You can get stuck in roles. It isn’t lack of love it’s the parent child dynamic that takes a while to break. My dad in his 80s still wants to pay for everything and has to be persuaded not to

My adult son has done very well in life through hard work and always pays without hesitation, in fact he pre-empts anyone else paying. But nowadays he gives up time to help me especially with the garden, so recently he accepted that I paid for the meal.

I don’t get this idea of older parents always paying for their adult children. Isn’t it a parent’s job to bring up their children to become independent adults?
Of course, there is still room for treats.

It wouldn’t be forced or hollow and it wouldn’t be a gesture. The adult child just isn’t thinking. When you approach the café, go to the seat and say “I’d like a large latte please with a slice of coffee cake. I will find is a table”. Or when the bill comes “I think I’d like you to treat me this time”.

Do they know about your financial situation? They probably assume that you are more flush than you are so think that they don't need to offer to pay.

Tell them that money is tight and see what their reaction will be. "I would love to meet up for a drink and cake but am watching the pennies, how about we take it in turns to pay from now on?"

Say nothing and nothing will change. Your children are not mind-readers.

Im not saying that you have to be transactional, but surely the point of this thread - and there have been a few others here in recent days. Is that children, especially adult children should be expected to pay for a cup of tea occasionally.
Of course love and care can be shown in many different ways. I have definitely not "paid my way" with my parents. But I've never shown myself up either. It could be an Irish thing too as someone else mentioned.

Someone was saying you cant get a cup of tea and a cake for less than £10, well if you cant pay for it dont expect your parents to. Especially every single time.

An adult family member and their partner was taken on a fully paid AI holiday by their mother. They went for a walk and stopped at a beachside bar, they bought themselves and their partner a drink and then left the mother her to go up and order and pay for her own drink. Seem like some here would think this is reasonable as she had more money and invited them on holiday 🙄

You have mentioned a few times that you never ask for your needs (or desires) to be met by anybody else.

I think that perhaps, especially with you recent diagnosis, this should change.

Start saying "No I'm not okay and I really need to talk about it" when somebody asks if you're okay. Start asking for a lift to the hospital, and for your offspring to come to the appointment with you because it's scary and it's better with a loved one with you. They might even need to take some leave from work to do it, and whilst they won't be able to do it every week, an occasional half or full day of holiday being used because your mum is having a hard time is a perfectly normal thing that people do for their mums. And start telling your child(ren?) that you expect them to pay for coffee and cake or meals out occasionally.

I would rather just spend time with people 🤷‍♀️

I have absolutely no interest in gifts - monetary or otherwise. Of course if someone sends me something or buys me something I will say thank you but I’d much rather they didn’t bother.

Awww this is a tricky one isn't it !
They probs so used to it they just a bit thoughtless or takers some people are like that !
I'm super lucky I have a boy and a girl they always want to pay for the coffee or lunch but 9 X outta 10 I insist I pay because id rather they keep the money for themselves .
They are very thoughtful thou
Big hugs I hope you ok 🌺

It would be forced if you order and make them pay, this is a warm suggestion, not specific either.

I can see on the thread that people have beliefs about who pays, I think that it’s personal, no right or wrong way.

For me it’s fluid, me and my mum treat each other, I’m significantly better off than her, yet she likes to pay for meals to save me cooking when visiting, sometimes I wince at the cost and make sure to quietly reciprocate over the next few events.

So gifts only involve money for you - not time and effort or do you not like receiving anything from anyone?

But surely a forced, hollow gesture is just going to fall a bit flat?

How about wording it like this, “name I know this is a bit silly but I would love it if you would sometimes buy me a tea when we are out and about, make me feel treated, love you. See you Wednesday…..”

Not particularly.

Do you enjoy receiving gifts?

Only if you think spending money is the only way to "give"

Yes this is what mine would do! And when he offered me petrol money in cash when I visited and I declined he just did a bank transfer!

Expecting your parents to always pay, not thinking about treating them, even to a cup of tea - is not showing care and love it’s taking all the time.

It's also an IHT thing too. My parents like to spend on us while they are alive rather than seeing us spend the money and them just have a bigger IHT charge. So they regularly treat all 5 of us (and all their grandkids)

And, for the avoidance of doubt, I would rather see them spend their money enjoying their lives and I am not interested in an inheritance I would prefer them to live well.

You (and others) have entirely missed the point that in the circumstances the op is in she needs comfort and reassurance that her kids are great people who undoubtedly love her and enjoy spending time with her

I don’t ever let my dad pay when we go out, I wouldn’t dream of expecting him to pay. Growing up my parents did so much for me this is just one small way of showing my appreciation.

It’s not for lack of trying - the last time I managed to buy something for them, my dad put the money back into my bank account the next day so I stopped bothering after that.

They have a LOT more money than I do. They don’t want me spending my limited income on treating them - they’d rather I spent it on other things.

Not all relationships are the same and it’s a bit frustrating to see people being labelled selfish or cheap or rude just because their family dynamics aren’t the same as other peoples’.

Why aren’t you buying your parent the odd cup of tea though? It’s a very small token. If you don’t go out much together maybe you’re treating them in other ways - maybe you’re doing both and maybe it’s all flowing one way. Whatever you do, it’s on you not people commenting here.

I'm sorry for your diagnosis. I do think you are right that you might be fixating on this as a coping mechanism. i'm not judging - I recently lost a parent and I got so annoyed at a local facebook group post whinging about the council not litter picking that I drove across town and cleared their whole bloody street myself, which was not the actions of a sane mother of three 😂

I think you need to use your words with your offspring. For years my mum purchased our tea and coffee and cakes and meals out more often than I did, because frankly she has almost always had more disposable income than I. It's only been in recent years that I've bought more. They may be less able to afford it than you think, and/or after their whole childhood of you buying for them they may not have twigged that it's time for a new phase of a more equal adult division of responsibility. It doesn't need to be a big issue - just a chat with them that now that they are an adult with their own money you would appreciate them offering to buy more often.

But people are acting like you’re a right selfish fuck if you don’t buy your mum and dad the odd cup of tea - totally ignoring all the other ways you can show love, care and support for them.