AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

Thank you. I would want to pay more often than not. However, when I am ordering things that are at least half the price of theirs I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think they should offer to buy their own or mine every now and again. I’m actually getting a bit cross thinking about it. There’s many people on here talking about how they would never dream of paying because their parents are wealthy etc. Well then I suspect there are lots of parents bewildered and sad when they get home that their child never offers. But not one of them has said ‘oh you know I think I probably should offer.’ So I think perhaps entitlement is more prevalent than I realised and it seems if you are that way then nothing anyone says will change how you feel. I’ve managed to reflect on my own behaviour from this thread and have decided to make some changes but the people who say they never pay haven’t. Then there’s some people that say that it’s other things that matter despite me saying repeatedly that there are no other things. The only favours being done are by me not my child. The order of the world maybe but I think if this is the way it is then in school girls need to be told that if they become a mother they will be expected to shoulder a financial responsibility until they’re in their grave. It wasn’t what I expected when I became a mother to be honest.

So it’s not the same then is it? You’re getting the brunt of my frustration I’m afraid. But there has been comment after comment about how ‘my parents pay, it’s only right, they would never let me pay.’ Etc etc and then once someone responds they say ‘but I show it in other ways.’ And I have repeatedly said I literally receive NOTHING. I don’t actually want to say that because it’s crap and frankly quite difficult to believe but I’ve thought long and hard about it believe me! I don’t really want anything or ask for anything and that isn’t really a problem to me and isn’t their fault that I’m youngish and been strong and independent. There’s no lifts (because I don’t need them) no cleaning up or odd jobs around the house (because I am independent and strong) no looking after the house or pets (because I pay someone to do those jobs) no anything above and beyond bare minimum birthday / Mother’s Day gifts and I am absolutely 100% fine with that. But people keep telling me that the little things matter when in this situation there are no little things, I’m not lying! So this is literally the only way when they are really given the opportunity to do anything that would be considered ‘treating me’ and they choose not to do it. I do not tell my husband about it. If we meet then he isn’t usually there so he wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t say anything to him because I wouldn’t want him to judge them because ultimately I love them and I do consider them a good person in many other ways and I don’t want anyone else to think bad of them. I do have a brother that has seen some of the instances and he thinks they’re cheeky and will say ‘I’m not being horrible but they’re a cheeky fucker to never get you a cuppa.’ Or ‘It’s cheeky to ask you to do that when you’re working and busy and you never ask for anything in return.’ And we laugh it off a bit as people often do with their siblings.

How do you ever meet a friend for coffee if the person that suggests always pays? I just think offering to pay for your own should be more normal. The occasional, here’s the £5 for my drink / I’ll send you the £5 and then the other person has the option to say that it’s on them. I do wonder if many people are wondering around completely unaware that their friends and family think they’re a tight, piss taking bugger.

I imagine you’ve all had very stable family lives by the sounds of it. I know if had stayed with my 1st long term partner we would have paid off a mortgage on house worth lots of money by now. As it is, I started again in my 30’s so I’m not doing as well as some others my age. That’s not to say I’m struggling to buy a coffee but I think the ‘oldest pays’ makes sense if those people are clearly the wealthiest in the room. Although I do think there’s something nice about someone treating you now and again.

Have you even wondered if your parents say ‘ooh our Jean’s a tight bugger isn’t she?’ When they get home after seeing you? If you never offer then they might well be annoyed by you but their love overrides the desire to do anything about it (like me) or if you offer (which I suspect you’ll now say you do rendering your comment quite useless to me) then you aren’t actually in the same boat in any way, shape or form! They never offer to pay even for even their own let alone mine.

How do you ever meet a friend for coffee if the person that suggests always pays? I just think offering to pay for your own should be more normal. The occasional, here’s the £5 for my drink / I’ll send you the £5 and then the other person has the option to say that it’s on them. I do wonder if many people are wondering around completely unaware that their friends and family think they’re a tight, piss taking bugger.

I’ve thought about this a lot. It isn’t always me. And I also think that asking someone casually if they want to come through or meet out of the house shouldn’t be an automatic obligation to pay or provide them with food. It’s a lot.

That they’ll be hurt or embarrassed I suppose.

This has all made for very interesting reading thank you. And thank you to those that wished me well.

I don’t know how some of you do the whole ‘it’s your turn I think.’ I think I must have been raised differently (wrongly) because the very notion of having to say those things to someone feels so confrontational to me and I know it shouldn’t. I have always shrunk myself. I have always wanted to be the least amount of trouble to anyone and it’s quite sad actually. I don’t know why I am that way but I do know it’s not normal. For example: if someone is paying for me I am absolutely not choosing the most expensive drink or meal. I am making my drink last in the pub etc. I don’t do without as such but I certainly don’t feel comfortable accepting things. A few years ago, my Mum offered to pay for me / my siblings and our children to have a meal and gave us her card to go and pay. My nieces ordered things that I knew my Mum wouldn’t expect to be so expensive and it made me feel sick. I can’t explain why, I knew she could afford it (with 100% certainly) but I felt so sorry for her in that moment that I quietly ordered my own and paid for it myself to lower the cost. Why? Who knows really. I could tell a friend that they deserved to have their meal paid for if it had been offered and that their parent knew when they offered that it may be expensive but when it came to real life and me I just felt bad and I couldn’t take my own advice. My child wouldn’t think twice about having multiple drinks with their food, or the most expensive items on the menu. I don’t think there is a more expensive drink on the menu than the one they order when we’re out. I don’t even know if they would do that if I wasn’t there and paying (even though I never offered) because they’ve never invited me out or paid even for themselves when I’ve been there.

Some people have accused me of being a bit transactional and saying that money isn’t the only way to show that you care. I get that and I understand why you would mention it. I think this is the only time that my child has the opportunity to show any desire to treat me in any way because I am so independent there’s no way they could ‘help’ me with anything. Not that there’s been any sort of offer but anyway that’s a different matter. There certainly isn’t any of the things some of you mentioned like treating your Mum to a present just because or a day out etc. it’s hard to explain if it’s not what you do but if I saw something my Mum or Dad would have liked and could afford it I would have bought it. I made food for them and dropped it off (not often) but because I wanted to. I just don’t think it has ever occurred to my child that I would appreciate anything like that and I’ve no idea why to be honest. I think they have told themselves money is tight for them but in my opinion they don’t understand what that actually means because when money is tight for me I stay in, I walk to save fuel. For them, it’s still eating out and booking concerts etc but maybe slightly less than before. So I do take on board the comment about costs and how they might be struggling but also am sure that my £3 tea / coffee is affordable to them if they wanted to pay. I am quite strict with myself so they could be confident I wouldn’t grab an expensive treat and end up with a large bill.

Anyway, I doubt I will say anything so I’ve decided to maybe ask for other things that will make me feel more appreciated, like physical help. Because there’s no precedent I think it will be an easier ask. I just need to decide what and how to ask. It’s difficult because to date I’ve been fitter, stronger and more independent than them but I need to show some softness and vulnerability I think.

Thank you. If I go to theirs there is no offer of a cuppa. If they come to mine it often spans hours and hours and I am tied to the house then making endless hot drinks and food. It’s easier to meet up but more costly. I sound like a right nasty piece of work, I know.

That they’ll be hurt or embarrassed I suppose.

Thank you. If I go to theirs there is no offer of a cuppa. If they come to mine it often spans hours and hours and I am tied to the house then making endless hot drinks and food. It’s easier to meet up but more costly. I sound like a right nasty piece of work, I know.