AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

They probably don’t really feel like an adult yet

I think if you want the financial relationship you have with your children to change now they are adults, you need to be having a conversation ahout that. Some adult children will modify that relationship themselves over time, but for most people they continue having the same financial relationship they have always had as that’s the pattern they are in, and in order to change the pattern to change they need to become aware of it, and that it is no longer working for both parties. Money is never a comfortable conversation, but when you don’t have it resentment can build up, and it can damage the relationship without the other party even being aware of the issue. I think this is probably the case here and once you address this, you will be able to have a more reciprocal financial relationship that makes you feel valued.

You don’t sound like a saddo @OPbut it does sound like you’re making something very large out of them not buying you tea and cake. You’re sad that they haven’t thought to do so and you feel unappreciated… but I also feel like you’re layering much more onto that in the face of your diagnosis. Try not to paint your child as the figure to blame for all of the anger and unfairness and fear or sadness or regret or whatever else that you are feeling right now.

Keep it simple and ask them to pay. They’ll likely jump at it and do so with a smile. Don’t be tearing your entire relationship apart in your mind over such a small act.

I had to tell my kids it was expected that they buy an odd coffee or ice cream for us - we don't ask them as adults to pay for much - not even presents or card- but for fucks sake I thought they'd have copped on - but they hadn't. Now they do. Sometimes you have to point shit out!

This.
It's a couple of quid for a slice of cake and a cuppa.
You sound like you would even be happy at dunken for a £3 49 coffee and doughnut deal.

Well personally it wouldn’t bother me. I think I’ll always pay for my kids when they’re adults. My in laws do not like it when we try to pay and I’ve learnt over the years to accept them paying and thank them. However, I know that my mum likes me to treat her now and again so I do that. It’s very variable from family to family but I wouldn’t mind my kids not paying, my money will go to them anyway.

Oh I really miss having my Mum to treat she would only let me do little things like pick her a cream cake up on the way round or a cup of tea when out but I remember finally feeling I was doing ok in life when I could tell mum I was getting it and insisting irrelevant of the cost.

Maybe they can’t afford it, and they perceive you to be in a better financial position than them.

I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis @Pleasant1234 I agree with the way @AutumnClouds has worded things. It’s hard when when our adult children are thoughtless towards us. Even more so for you OP with your illness 💐

I'm really sorry about your health issue OP.

I honestly don't understand why you end paying for your adult child every time. Having said that the only time my adult DS buys me food or drink when we are out together is on my birthday or Mother's Day. On his birthday I will treat him. But other than that we scrupulously split the bill or pay for our own.

I think your child should be ashamed of themselves and I think you should definitely tell them it's their turn to treat you.

Definitely ask them to, families just have habits and unwritten rules and sometimes different family members make the assumption that everyone is happy with the status quo. Frame it as a positive nice thing you want not a criticism, then you have the best chance of it being taken well and leading to the outcome you want. I’d say something like - “i’ve been thinking about what i want from people around me, and i need to feel cared for in little ways. Can you sometimes take me out and treat me to a coffee and a cake please.” They might want the opportunity to do something nice for you and just not realise that is it, especially if you’re well off or they aren’t.

We almost always pay but DS has bought lunch very occasionally but I’m the sort that would say come on you tightarse stick your hand in your pocket.

I am very sorry about your diagnosis are you getting some help with processing such difficult news.

They just don't realise. They obviously think good of you to meet you all the time for tea and cake! Just tell them it's their turn to pay next time.

How old?
Do you still maintain the typical parent / child relationship? If so that’s probably where it comes from, being treated like a child where mum pays for everything.

It’s sad they’ve never offered, even if you’d stop them or don’t need them to. Are they generous in other ways? Are they kind, appreciative?

I started doing this when I was well established in life. Tbh I generally let my parents pay as they usually want to, I’d pay for a coffee if it happened to be that I was the one at the counter, but I wouldn’t go out of my way as I know my parents prefer to treat me.

my dad would be mortified if I paid for dinner without asking, he sometimes let’s us pay for a birthday or something, but he prefers treat us.

I don't think it's a not loving you thing. It's just a "not realising to do it" thing.

Depending on how you think it would be received could you say something like About time you treated me for once? Or wait for them to initiate the meet up, and say only if its on you?
Have they never even took you out to treat you on mother's day? A spa treat or afternoon tea?
I think it would low level annoy me too, im not at that stage yet but I was so proud when my son was old enough to make me a cup of tea in the house, and we've 'made' him go halfs once before on his rooster card when he wanted a takeaway.so I really hope one day he takes initiative!