AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

I suspect they might not be offering because they feel money is tight and you have more. The first time I offered my parents to pay for a meal for all of us which I could genuinely afford with no difficulty felt like a real triumph and it is really nice to occasionally pay for things for them (they don't often let us) but I do remember feeling really anxious when I was younger meeting family about who was paying and about not being able to afford it.

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and I think you're aware this is probably a diversion tactic from that, but maybe an honest conversation with your child and money, without bringing up the link with your illness, would be helpful.

One of the joys of adult life is treating my parents to coffee and cake, lunch out, a drink at the pub, fish and chips. Not all on the same day.

@Pleasant1234 I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I can remember the first time I treated my parents to a meal I was probably 24/25 and have still done it recently. My DD27 often treats me to a sandwich lunch during the week if we meet up when I am at work and she is studying it really depends where we decide to eat. Or I buy the lunch and she buys the coffee and sometimes she offers 50/50. She also does this as a mature student with a part time job. If it is her and her fiancé together I will normally pay but they might say they will get the drinks.

My 15yo and 10yo will always ask me if I want a treat when they go to the shop. My 15yo often brings me a little something back when she goes to the shops too even if I don’t ask. So I can see why you’re sad OP. Maybe they just don’t realise that they do it?

I’m going to guess this is your son? It shouldn’t make any difference but I can see why this is hurtful, although I do wonder if they think you are better off than them particularly if they have young children. The cost of childcare these days can be crippling or the financial burden of maternity leave. I wonder if they’re struggling but don’t like to mention it?

If you’re absolutely sure they aren’t then next time it’s suggested you two meet up just say “your treat then?”

When you pay for the coffee and cake, does your child thank you?
if they say “thanks mum” my reply would be “that’s ok/ I like to still pay for you sometimes even though you’re now self sufficient/ you’re welcome etc, You can pay next time!”

I think you need to mention it to them.

In the gradual transition from child, to young adult finding their feet, to adult earning as much as mum, it may not have been clear to them at which point the set-up was expected to change.

It also depends on family dynamic and what they've seen growing up. DP never saw her parents paying for her grandparents, and now her parents are horrified at the idea DP would pay for them. My family is the complete opposite.

I can understand why you're upset. I'm not sure how to change the dynamic though. I enjoyed treating my Mum from my first Saturday job onwards, it was lovely to feel grown-up buying her a coffee! As they're a parent themselves, perhaps your adult child enjoys reverting to child mode when they're with you, i.e., letting Mum spoil them abit?

Do you ever repay their generosity in other ways eg invite them to your house for a meal or for Christmas etc?

As the saying goes it's the thought that counts.
When we eat out with the family we almost always pay. I want to pay because I like treating them. However they always, always offer and occasionally rush to pay before I do. That's the difference.

So YANBU, they should at least offer and occasionally pay.

I think sometimes a well loved child doesn't realise a parent would actually want them to pay. Mum is mum and you usurp their position by offering to pay. Suggest it if you want them to pay their way sometimes it probably hasn't crossed their mind.

I'm the opposite, my adult parents never offer to pay for anything simply because they are tight and don't want to spend anything. They stay with us for months each summer and don't contribute a penny.

I still rely on my mum for support even though I have a full time job and pay my own rent, her and dad don’t struggle and don’t ever expect us to get them anything other than cards at birthdays etc cos they know we struggle. Different families will think differently. I make sure mum gets something nice on Mother’s Day and birthday tho even if it’s small or I make it myself. I 100% don’t feel like an adult at all.

I think dh would offer but he never goes anywhere just him and a parent it’s always a big group thing and at which point his dad would never let one of the children pay. So maybe he wouldn’t.

Maybe rounds at a pub with fil it would be allowed but other than that the “children” are that children who are paid for.

Same here really - not rich but they wanted to pay, always.

Yes this is what I am trying to say. I think it's a sign of someone who feels happy in the child - parent dynamic and comfortable that they are wanted for their company not for their willingness to stump up the cash

I sympathise that it's made you sad op but you do need to hear these explanations

It is no reflection on your mothering or their feelings towards you I am sure x

I think they would find it baffling if I offered. They still pay for my cleaner and for my daughter's ballet lessons, they don't want money from me they just enjoy the time together

How old is your child OP ? I can’t remember when I first paid for something for my Mum or Dad, but probably late twenties ? Before then it was usually either a family dinner somewhere when they were clear that it was their treat, or I was in a cafe with Dad and he would pay.
My dd has paid for coffee for me, she is a student, 21

My parents always insisted on paying for everything, I'd offer they would refuse. The only payback really was a generous gift for a birthday or Christmas where I would take them out for a meal. Most of my friends were the same, as is my DHs family. I offered but I know my sis rarely did and would roll her eyes at me going through this silly dance and end up with them paying anyway. My godmother still insists on paying for my cup of coffee when we meet up. I'm nearly 50! But she still sees it as her role as a godmother.

I think you need to ask here OP and please don't see it as a reflection on anything else.