DH wants to abort, I don’t

Your kids are so young, babies themselves. I personally think it would be so selfish to bring another child into the mix who will take even more away from your very, very young children.

”Neither of you is right or wrong. And unfortunately there isn’t any half way compromise here. One of you is going to have to change their mind if you are going to support each other with whatever decision is made, and stay together. You as the woman get the final say (as it should be) but that doesn’t mean his views are irrelevant.”

I agree with ^^ from @minipie.

I am pro choice. However, when I went to go and have a termination I found I couldn’t bring myself to do it. There were all the logical reasons in the world to have a termination and it made no sense at all to have a baby, especially as I’d split up with the baby’s father when I was 6 wks pregnant. I had a mortgage to pay, no family support, and it turned out that I was pregnant with twins.

I still couldn’t do it. I knew instinctively that it was wrong for me. That was 16 years ago and I’ve never regretted the decision for a second. I never got back with my ex and he had no involvement at all to this day.

What helped me a lot was the counselling that was provided at the termination clinic. Do you have access to a counsellor?

Your DH has understandable concerns. And I do have empathy for men because they are powerless in situations like this. Of course they contributed to the situation, but knowing that the decision is entirely out of your hands must be really hard - especially if he has very strong feelings about not wanting the baby.

But a termination is easy for him, both physically and psychologically. He gets to move on with his life unscathed. I never hear of men talking about a termination years later (assuming the termination was something they wanted). And yet frequently I do hear women who WANTED the termination struggling with the emotions, and even years later it’s still something that’s tender for them. There are plenty of examples on this thread alone.

So although it’s hard for him, you’re the one that will bear the effects of the termination. Physically and emotionally. You may get PND, which is awful. But unfortunately, if you have a termination that you don’t want, your mental health could spiral even worse, and in a way that’s harder to recover from.

Yes, three DC aged under 5 is hard - but they’ll get older. Your eldest will soon be at school. That shouldn’t be the reason that you terminate.

As I said, I can feel empathy for your DH here. He’s lashing out because he’s upset. And attributing blame to him doesn’t really help the situation now. But you’re in an even harder situation than him, whatever decision you make, you’ll never get to shrug off the consequences- he will. Try talking to him about the practical concerns and what you can do to overcome them. Maybe you’ll have to put the new baby in nursery and go back to work sooner. Try and meet him in the middle - but please don’t be pushed into having a termination you don’t want. For the sake of yourself and your current DC, because I genuinely worry for what an unwanted termination would do to your long-term mental health.

I will add - focusing on the 2 DC you already have could be the shared focus you both need to bring you back together as a team x

Not many responses thinking about the 2 DC who deserve a stable home, 2 loving parents and financial security to have their best chance at life.

It sounds like things were tough for them already before this situation, OP you have been working so hard to deal with unsupportive DH and PND and do your best for your 2 DC.

It would break my heart to go through with an abortion if it were me but I could not bear to think of what it would do to the lives of my 2 that I already have. I struggle to give them as much out of life as I want to as it is, a 3rd child would absolutely tank their lives and I have a responsibility to both of them to put them above whatever emotions I would have to process. I just couldn't live with myself if I did that to them. It is about the lesser of 2 awful choices, it is such a horrible situation.

He isn’t threatening anything. He’s telling OP that he’s working the business single handed and it won’t generate enough income to support three children. It isn’t a means of control, it’s fact. He may be a man but he’s entitled to his opinion - especially when he’s the sole earner and supporting the whole family. Grow up. The police won’t be the least bit interested in this because it isn’t coercive control, and it’s actually quite insulting to genuine victims of DV.

The notion that if he’d just dropped the forms off this wouldn’t have happened is just daft. There would have been a waiting time for the procedure and they would still have had to use contraception for a few months afterwards. It can take up to twenty or so ejaculations to clear remaining sperm.

Any chance the two of you, promptly, could go to counselling together?

I was a single mum with one child and it was shit - bloody hard work from morning to night and during the night and working full time and nobody to take the financial load.
I wouldn't go there if I was you. With three children it will finish you and possibly the children off.

That’s an awful position to be in OP, I’m so sorry.

I don’t agree with some PP that your husband is doing anything wrong or being manipulating by expressing his views. He doesn’t want another baby, he feels very stressed by the additional burdens that will bring, and he’s entitled to say so.

If you feel an abortion will break your heart, you are equally entitled to say that, without being accused of being manipulating.

Neither of you is right or wrong. And unfortunately there isn’t any half way compromise here. One of you is going to have to change their mind if you are going to support each other with whatever decision is made, and stay together. You as the woman get the final say (as it should be) but that doesn’t mean his views are irrelevant.

All I can suggest is take a few days to really consider, together, what 3 kids would look like. Practically, financially, mental health wise. And also what an abortion would look like for you, mental health wise. These all go in the decision “pot”.

I don’t agree by the way that people regret abortions but don’t regret further children. There are plenty of threads on MN with people who of course love their Nth child but given the option to go back in time wouldn’t have had them because of what it has done to their lives. And that can happen even where both parents wanted a further child. (Of course, a lot of this relates to how easy or difficult the child is which nobody can predict). There are also plenty of people who have had an abortion with no regrets. There is no “rule” either way.

Hes threatening to close your JOINT business as a means of control to force you into a fucking abortion? And you haven't divorced him already, why? Leave that fucking prick and honestly report him to police for coercion and control. Disgusting.

@Netcurtainnelly

the problem is that Op is pregnant (unplanned) and her husband doesn’t want another baby.
it’s pretty simple what the problem is really…

You are in a very hard emotional place

I hear your dh saying he can’t cope/afford 3 kids and stressing him out but that he loves you and want to support you

v

you Emotionally wanting no 3 and thinking we will cope

yes you will cope but money wise things may be tight - you prob will resent him if you have an abortion and going by your heart - but you also have to think about the 2 children you have now

neither of you are wrong in your feelings but it’s stalemate so one of you will have to ‘back’ down

I'm not anti-man at all, but the OP literally said he was going to get a vasectomy and didn't bother sorting it out. If he'd just got his act together, this wouldn't have happened, and now OP is carrying the can. I agree that he probably has very good reasons for not wanting another baby and is entitled to his viewpoint and feelings, but at the end of the day it is OP and only OP who is going to get the abortion or carry the baby.

I am so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. It must be awful for you. Do you have any support around you? You have already said you don't want to get an abortion, you have seen your baby and seen his/her heartbeat. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you end his/her life. No one ever regrets keeping their baby, but there are endless stories of regret for aborting their baby. I have 4 kids, I had 3 under 3, I won't lie it wasn't easy, but they are the best kids. With life there is always hope. Sending my love to you, there is help out there for you. xxx

If your partner would leave you for keeping the pregnancy, money is huge factor here. Could you sustain three kids on your inheritance / savings alone - if not then this is a reasonable practical consideration.

It would be nice to live in a perfect world but sometimes it does come down to factors outside of feelings/desire for a situation to go your way. Sometimes it is just about affordability and practicality.

either choice could end our family. If we keep baby, the pressure could end us. If we abort, the resentment and grief could end us.

What does DH say to this, OP?

Wow...awful!
All decent men would be right to expect to have an equal say when it comes to the size of their family, and all decent women would consider their own needs, needs of their partner and needs of their children born and unborn.
No one gives up anything the moment they engage in sex!
Don't ejaculate or...! This is an unhelpful, combative attitude that stokes divide in relationships and marriages, and between men and women generally.

This was an accidental pregnancy. Now it is important to avoid making a mistake. Keeping the baby seems to have the potential for numerous and serious negative outcomes. Clear thinking and clear talking is needed here whilst allowing for the impact of PND effects on decision making.

No, sorry, OP didn’t get pregnant simply because her husband ‘couldn’t be bothered to drop some forms off’. That’s bullshit. They were using contraception and it failed. That’s no-one’s fault. They were both aware that another baby wasn’t an option for financial reasons so they are equally responsible for the fact that one is now on the way and they need to find a solution acceptable to both of them. There’s an undertone throughout the thread that DH is responsible simply because he’s a man.

Has anyone counted the number of times the word ‘vasectomy’ has appeared in this thread ? I wonder how the conversation would have gone had OP not mentioned that her DH was considering it. The point here is that they were both aware that another child would put undue pressure on their finances before they had sex. OP couldn’t fail to have known because vasectomy was discussed. They both agreed to have sex - despite the fact that OP knew her DH hadn’t had the vasectomy, and relying on the contraception she was using. So they are both equally responsible for the position they are in now. It’s bullshit to pile the blame on DH simply for not having a vasectomy when they were already using contraception.

But he didn't and she wants to keep him and the baby but judging from her replies she can't have both.

His feelings are valid of course. As are yours.

So do you want be married, possibly unhappily, with two kids or single (possibly with PND, with three kids?

Shit situation all round and so annoying the coil didn’t work.

Personally I’d have the abortion as clearly having a coil the objective was to not be pregnant. I’d also not want three kids under four, I wouldn’t cope.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Like you, I am pro-choice, so I'm not coming from an anti-abortion standpoint. But please don't have an abortion you don't want. I know you are worried about PND, but I also think that having an abortion you don't want could lead to depression as well. I know you love your husband and want your marriage to survive - I hope for that for you too - but it's hard to sympathise with a man who wants a woman to go through with an unwanted abortion because he couldn't be bothered to drop some forms off. Be true to yourself OP, that's usually the best way through any difficult situation. xxx

He should've got the vasectomy then..

OP was using a reliable form of contraception, so I agree vasectomy was the obvious solution if they didn’t want any more kids, but it clearly wasn’t a matter of urgency. OP has agency in whether and when they have sex too you know !!