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Original poster

AIBU to think our 22 yo son is being slightly mad turning down a free London flat?

317 replies

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 08:58

DS is 22 and has finally got his first proper job in London and we are absolutely thrilled for him. He graduated from the University of Edinburgh with a first in Economics last year and came home afterwards. We live in a village and while looking for work he worked at the local farm shop and tutored A-level students.

We didn't charge him rent. He helps around the house and it's actually been really lovely having him home. He says he genuinely missed the village when he was at university the peace and quiet, being able to get back into reading and cycling, and having time with our four dogs.

He's also managed to save about £16k since graduating so it's not as though he's been sitting around spending everything he earns. He's actually been very sensible financially.
He's now got a London job on £38k which we're very chuffed about. That’s a very good wage for a 22 year old newly grad.

DH and I have a two bedroom flat in Borough of Hammersmith and Fulham. We’ve been renting for a while and the tenants have since bought a house now so they’ve moved out. We have had it on short term let as it’s been summer time so lots of tourists have been eager, it’s had a new group of people every other week or so since May it’s been quite hard for us to keep up with to be honest as this was our first time doing short term let’s seems as though the market in London is good. We've offered the flat to our son him and a friend completely rent-free. They would only have to pay the bills.
And he's said no.Because he wants to live with THREE of his mates. They’re currently searching and have been going to views for a 4 bed.

I have told him he's being ridiculous. He is 22, starting his first job on £38k, and we've basically handed him free accommodation in London. He could live there, pay the bills, continue saving and potentially build up a very decent pot of money over the next few years.Instead, he wants to rent a house with four friends because he wants the experience of living with them. I get it. I lived with 5 other girls (friends I made at uni) in London after university and throughly enjoy it they’re still my closest friends. And this is where I am conflicted because, if I'm being completely honest, I do understand it but also the economy is different to when I was 22

He's had a very nice year at home. He's saved £16k, had a peaceful year in the village, read, cycled, spent time with the dogs and generally enjoyed being at home. He isn't desperate to leave because he hates being here. He said he was slightly sad (albeit happy) about getting the job because he’s enjoyed being in a village his mind could finally think (his words) He does want to go and have the experience of being 22 and living in London with his mates.

DH thinks we should leave him to it. He's an adult, he's earning a decent salary, he's saved a good amount already and he's allowed to prioritise having fun and living with his friends over maximising his savings.
And I know he's right.

But I can't help thinking that a free two-bedroom flat in Hammersmith and Fulham that is fully paid for and his parents own is the sort of offer you don't turn down lightly at 22!

At the same time, perhaps I'm looking at it entirely through the lens of being his parent. I'm thinking about deposits, investments and financial security. He's thinking about having his four best friends round for dinner, going to the pub after work and coming home to a house full of people his own age.
He's not asking us to subsidise a lavish lifestyle either. He has £16k saved, a £38k salary and presumably will be perfectly capable of paying his own rent. He just doesn't want the financially optimal option.
And perhaps that's the point. He can afford to make the choice he actually wants.
So AIBU to think he's mad?Would you take the free London flat and save like mad for the next few years or would you pay rent to live with four of your best friends at 22 because you only get to be 22 once?
I'm increasingly wondering whether I'm confusing “financially sensible” with “the right choice for him”.

Maybe I am being unreasoned he’s 22, has a girlfriend who is soon moving to London too and wants to experience London to its full potential, get pissed with his friends and have fun I can’t fault him maybe I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Campervanadventures · 08/09/2026 14:58

venus7 · 08/09/2026 13:56

I wonder how old he is, what his salary is, and how much he has saved............!

???? All of the info you wonder about is there if you care to read it 🤷

Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:01

The sentiment here can be quite confusing sometimes. If I’d have come here to say my son doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house, leaves mess everywhere and the rest you’d say I’ve raised a monster and a horrible person and it’s my fault. I’m here saying we a proud of our son and people are saying some nasty things I know it’s a spectrum every parent is different. We are proud regardless he has worked hard (like everyone his age) he struggled through his A levels was resilient, put in the work at university, worked throughout university, has made us very very proud parents it’s normal to want to cut your child some slack. The world is cruel we at least want to be a safe space for our children. In a few years he might want the flat we will let him or he might never want it that’s also okay no one is forcing him to do anything. It was an option we thought he’d like based on the conversations we’ve had with him and him randomly telling us “oh Joe from school moved to London for a job can you guess how much is rent is it’s ridiculous” I guess we didn’t read the room well enough. We just wanted to help that is all no strings attached just give him that start. He has decided he can do it himself and that is okay too we aren’t upset just surprised based on the multiple conversations we’ve had over the year he’s been at home since finishing his degree.

Us wanting to help our son with the one thing a lot of young adults are struggling with at the moment isn’t bragging we aren’t landlord with multiple property. We have our house that DH and I bought together a long time ago and this flat that was passed down to me when my father passed away. We haven’t raised a spoilt brat as some of you are suggesting all we’ve done is try our best to give him a head start and he’s made us very proud so far. We aren’t angry at him for not wanting to live in the flat we understand it’s difficult to pick between friends who he should live with in the flat.

He has decided he’d rather find a 4 bed place with them. It doesn’t mean we cannot be shocked after seeing how hard he has worked trying to find a job and the constant disappointment and perseverance. I don’t know what it’s like but I certainly would have lost my mind after going through jobs that require multiple stages up to 8 for test, task, technical, assessment centre, interview etc therefore we wanted to do something nice for him and give him a break. He’s done well to get a job in the civil service his dream job he couldn’t believe it. We can be proud without it being classed as bragging. I didn’t
necessarily come here to complain and call him names I just came here to rant as I am surprised he always talks to us about rent and how it’s tough in London so in our minds we thought he would accept this we were wrong and can admit that. Sometimes parents get it wrong it’s okay no one’s in danger it was the wrong call I just wanted to have a little rant here not necessarily to be flamed and told I’m controlling for being surprised he didn’t want a to stay in the flat for free no one said it would be forever just a little head start while he settles into his new job.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:02

Campervanadventures · 08/09/2026 14:58

???? All of the info you wonder about is there if you care to read it 🤷

Show quote history

I think they were being sarcastic because all the information is there. Some details are changed for identity purposes it’s an online forum.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:04

MakeThatMakeSense · 08/09/2026 14:52

Let him do what he wants to do!
There's only a brief window of young adulthood where you can all live together like that in a group and have a wild time.
Then mundane life kicks in for everyone.
If he misses out now, he'll miss out forever.
Leave him to enjoy his life and his youth while it's here.

I agree and we want him to have all the fun he can have in London. DH and I were both young in London at one point we had a great time and we’d like our son to as well.

OP posts:
Goatsarebest · 08/09/2026 15:04

You say you understand then 3 paragraphs explaining why you don't really understand.

Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:06

Goatsarebest · 08/09/2026 15:04

You say you understand then 3 paragraphs explaining why you don't really understand.

I guess I don’t understand at all seems to be quite a few parents with children similar ages to my children who’ve sent messages and they seem to understand where I’m coming from. The post isn’t meant to brag regardless of what I say that’s what it’ll be taken as. If he was the opposite it would be my fault for creating a monster and I’d be getting a pile on etc it’s either or no nuances allowed.

OP posts:
pluggedunplugged · 08/09/2026 15:07

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:01

The sentiment here can be quite confusing sometimes. If I’d have come here to say my son doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house, leaves mess everywhere and the rest you’d say I’ve raised a monster and a horrible person and it’s my fault. I’m here saying we a proud of our son and people are saying some nasty things I know it’s a spectrum every parent is different. We are proud regardless he has worked hard (like everyone his age) he struggled through his A levels was resilient, put in the work at university, worked throughout university, has made us very very proud parents it’s normal to want to cut your child some slack. The world is cruel we at least want to be a safe space for our children. In a few years he might want the flat we will let him or he might never want it that’s also okay no one is forcing him to do anything. It was an option we thought he’d like based on the conversations we’ve had with him and him randomly telling us “oh Joe from school moved to London for a job can you guess how much is rent is it’s ridiculous” I guess we didn’t read the room well enough. We just wanted to help that is all no strings attached just give him that start. He has decided he can do it himself and that is okay too we aren’t upset just surprised based on the multiple conversations we’ve had over the year he’s been at home since finishing his degree.

Us wanting to help our son with the one thing a lot of young adults are struggling with at the moment isn’t bragging we aren’t landlord with multiple property. We have our house that DH and I bought together a long time ago and this flat that was passed down to me when my father passed away. We haven’t raised a spoilt brat as some of you are suggesting all we’ve done is try our best to give him a head start and he’s made us very proud so far. We aren’t angry at him for not wanting to live in the flat we understand it’s difficult to pick between friends who he should live with in the flat.

He has decided he’d rather find a 4 bed place with them. It doesn’t mean we cannot be shocked after seeing how hard he has worked trying to find a job and the constant disappointment and perseverance. I don’t know what it’s like but I certainly would have lost my mind after going through jobs that require multiple stages up to 8 for test, task, technical, assessment centre, interview etc therefore we wanted to do something nice for him and give him a break. He’s done well to get a job in the civil service his dream job he couldn’t believe it. We can be proud without it being classed as bragging. I didn’t
necessarily come here to complain and call him names I just came here to rant as I am surprised he always talks to us about rent and how it’s tough in London so in our minds we thought he would accept this we were wrong and can admit that. Sometimes parents get it wrong it’s okay no one’s in danger it was the wrong call I just wanted to have a little rant here not necessarily to be flamed and told I’m controlling for being surprised he didn’t want a to stay in the flat for free no one said it would be forever just a little head start while he settles into his new job.

Was this whole thread about you wanting validation as a good parent? Seriously?

Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:09

pluggedunplugged · 08/09/2026 15:07

Was this whole thread about you wanting validation as a good parent? Seriously?

Show quote history

Can I not post based on the sentiment on here. If that’s what you then then that’s that we can agree and leave it at that surely

OP posts:
LeedsLoiner · 08/09/2026 15:10

Is this what the young people call "a humblebrag" ?

File under "First World Problems".

Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:15

LeedsLoiner · 08/09/2026 15:10

Is this what the young people call "a humblebrag" ?

File under "First World Problems".

Not necessarily much to brag about if I saw someone post this I wouldn’t see it as a humble brag. Young people get jobs and move to London all the time. There’s probably another young person right now from Berkshire, Surrey, Hertfordshire, Bedfordshire etc who has received a job offer today and will soon be planning to move to London. Or even someone further out from London or in Wales, Scotland etc. One in one out system, my nephew in his early 30s got married this summer spent his 20s in London now they’ve bought a place outside London.

OP posts:
user3398721 · 08/09/2026 15:34

Just as a heads up for your DD and her supermarket job. First year medical students are strongly advised against having outside jobs unless it's completely necessary. Cambridge didn't allow it at all when my DC was in first year. Some others might be more flexible, but they discourage it.

museumum · 08/09/2026 15:35

thefourthbeatle · 08/09/2026 14:14

what "girlfriend"? 🤔

Show quote history

Gin the OP ”Maybe I am being unreasoned he’s 22, has a girlfriend who is soon moving to London too and wants to experience London to its full potential, get pissed with his friends and have fun I can’t fault him maybe I am being unreasonable.”

Grumpyoldcat · 08/09/2026 15:47

You cant understand it because you are a parent and coming at this scenario from the opposite end as your son. You have years of work, saving, life experience etc...you think he is bonkers and should be thinking like you. Well thats not going to happen is it? Why cant you think more long term. Continue renting out your flat and in a few years time when he wants to settle down a bit more and not share his space there will be this flat. Honestly, I cant see this happening if he continues on the trajectory he has been on. He will be buying his own place. Perhaps if you are willing to let him live rent free, you could set aside the rental income you get and give it to him as a deposit in years to come. Now that sounds like a brilliant plan.

FrankieZebra · 08/09/2026 15:49

Grumpyoldcat · 08/09/2026 15:47

You cant understand it because you are a parent and coming at this scenario from the opposite end as your son. You have years of work, saving, life experience etc...you think he is bonkers and should be thinking like you. Well thats not going to happen is it? Why cant you think more long term. Continue renting out your flat and in a few years time when he wants to settle down a bit more and not share his space there will be this flat. Honestly, I cant see this happening if he continues on the trajectory he has been on. He will be buying his own place. Perhaps if you are willing to let him live rent free, you could set aside the rental income you get and give it to him as a deposit in years to come. Now that sounds like a brilliant plan.

No, that’s too sensible @Grumpyoldcat. The OP would rather ignore the obvious solution and regurgitate her families life story in this post.

Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:59

user3398721 · 08/09/2026 15:34

Just as a heads up for your DD and her supermarket job. First year medical students are strongly advised against having outside jobs unless it's completely necessary. Cambridge didn't allow it at all when my DC was in first year. Some others might be more flexible, but they discourage it.

Edited

Yeah she has been in touch with her university they have told her that there’s opportunities to work as HCA at the local hospital on their staff bank and is in touch with a girl that attended her school previously and is a third year medic at her uni who does HCA part time but it’s bank so it works out well for her in terms of when she can work and when she can’t. She is not planning on keeping the supermarket job all throughout her degree due to the placement schedules and is working as much as she can at the minute to save up for university. She started tutoring this summer only had a few students but hopes to continue at university if she can as it’s online. She isn’t going to Cambridge or Ox for medicine.

OP posts:
Redpaisley · 08/09/2026 16:11

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:01

The sentiment here can be quite confusing sometimes. If I’d have come here to say my son doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house, leaves mess everywhere and the rest you’d say I’ve raised a monster and a horrible person and it’s my fault. I’m here saying we a proud of our son and people are saying some nasty things I know it’s a spectrum every parent is different. We are proud regardless he has worked hard (like everyone his age) he struggled through his A levels was resilient, put in the work at university, worked throughout university, has made us very very proud parents it’s normal to want to cut your child some slack. The world is cruel we at least want to be a safe space for our children. In a few years he might want the flat we will let him or he might never want it that’s also okay no one is forcing him to do anything. It was an option we thought he’d like based on the conversations we’ve had with him and him randomly telling us “oh Joe from school moved to London for a job can you guess how much is rent is it’s ridiculous” I guess we didn’t read the room well enough. We just wanted to help that is all no strings attached just give him that start. He has decided he can do it himself and that is okay too we aren’t upset just surprised based on the multiple conversations we’ve had over the year he’s been at home since finishing his degree.

Us wanting to help our son with the one thing a lot of young adults are struggling with at the moment isn’t bragging we aren’t landlord with multiple property. We have our house that DH and I bought together a long time ago and this flat that was passed down to me when my father passed away. We haven’t raised a spoilt brat as some of you are suggesting all we’ve done is try our best to give him a head start and he’s made us very proud so far. We aren’t angry at him for not wanting to live in the flat we understand it’s difficult to pick between friends who he should live with in the flat.

He has decided he’d rather find a 4 bed place with them. It doesn’t mean we cannot be shocked after seeing how hard he has worked trying to find a job and the constant disappointment and perseverance. I don’t know what it’s like but I certainly would have lost my mind after going through jobs that require multiple stages up to 8 for test, task, technical, assessment centre, interview etc therefore we wanted to do something nice for him and give him a break. He’s done well to get a job in the civil service his dream job he couldn’t believe it. We can be proud without it being classed as bragging. I didn’t
necessarily come here to complain and call him names I just came here to rant as I am surprised he always talks to us about rent and how it’s tough in London so in our minds we thought he would accept this we were wrong and can admit that. Sometimes parents get it wrong it’s okay no one’s in danger it was the wrong call I just wanted to have a little rant here not necessarily to be flamed and told I’m controlling for being surprised he didn’t want a to stay in the flat for free no one said it would be forever just a little head start while he settles into his new job.

But why would you want to rant? He is young and wants to live his own way. Your flat only had 2 bedrooms.

Also, if you want to financially help, save from the rent you receive from London flat and give him money for his first home deposit. It will be win- win, you will be able to help financially, he will be able to live the way he wants.

MissBridgetJones · 08/09/2026 16:20

Let out your flat, stick the income in a pot, and when he is ready to buy, hand it over. Same outcome.

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/09/2026 16:24

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 14:43

No as he said so himself he said “I know I am being ridiculous but I can’t pick out of my friends who to live with it’s easier to just live with the three of them”

Show quote history

Him saying that doesn’t make you saying it any less rude.

You say in one of your other posts it was an offer of a gift without strings or pressure - it absolutely wasn’t when you resort to calling him ridiculous for saying no.

Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 16:26

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/09/2026 16:24

Him saying that doesn’t make you saying it any less rude.

You say in one of your other posts it was an offer of a gift without strings or pressure - it absolutely wasn’t when you resort to calling him ridiculous for saying no.

Show quote history

Okay well we have different views in that and I think that is okay.

OP posts:
Redpaisley · 08/09/2026 16:28

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 10:15

Maybe he is embarrassed I can’t control that I only ever want the best for him. I’ve had great opportunities all for free for to study around Europe live in Europe Im grateful so what I’d in an embarrassing parent. I thought my parents were embarrassing growing up and now I would love to get even just one day with my “embarrassing” father who would have done any ring for me.

Show quote history

Op, I read your further posts. Each of which you have written to justify yourself.

You lived with 5 friends in Uni, you went to Europe to study further. Let your son also be a bit independent. Stop hovering over his head. Even animals know that their kids need to be independent. I am sure he is very capable as he has done well so far.
Also, I hope you don’t speak to you son in the style you are responding in every post here - more justifications - I am shocked, as a parent I have a right to be shocked etc. Leave him alone now. I hope you won’t start interfering if he decides to get married soon. This excuse of protecting them is too much. If you have anxiety or boredom, seek solution for that.

JustAnotherWhinger · 08/09/2026 16:32

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 16:26

Okay well we have different views in that and I think that is okay.

Show quote history

Yes indeed.

if you’re happy showing your child that being downright rude to him about his choices, despite them being similar to your choices at his age, that is entirely your right.

good luck with your future relationship with him

hifriend · 08/09/2026 16:33

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 09:19

That is what I am trying to tell him. Yes 38k is very good for a 22 year old but also it doesn’t go far in London he also wants to enjoy London but we will see he might find a nice place for a decent rent. Also I think he wants to be independent which I understand.

Show quote history

Sorry you are getting a hard time on here, OP. Your son is of course wildly lucky to have such a safety net, which is exactly why he doesn't realise it >.< I'm a tad jealous even though I think I was more sheltered/privileged than him, just because how tough it was to find and afford a room to rent in London when I was starting out is what forced me out of my chosen industry. But it's fantastic that your son wants to be independent but still has other options for when the penny does drop.

I get why you want to save him the struggle, but the reality of what it was like to walk an hour and a half home from work because I didn't have £1.40 for the bus, or to be making spreadsheets to work out the cheapest meals, definitely woke me up to what life is like for most people and I have never forgotten it even though I ultimately couldn't stick out that life >.< I am naturally a pretty empathetic human and thought I had some idea of what being skint was like but I really didn't until I lived it for a bit. So I'm not saying it's a lesson your son needs but being independent is likely to help him grow and build resilience. Once I realised what most people were dealing with I lost interest in working in an arty field anyway and I think I make more of a difference in my new field.

Original poster
BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 16:34

Redpaisley · 08/09/2026 16:28

Op, I read your further posts. Each of which you have written to justify yourself.

You lived with 5 friends in Uni, you went to Europe to study further. Let your son also be a bit independent. Stop hovering over his head. Even animals know that their kids need to be independent. I am sure he is very capable as he has done well so far.
Also, I hope you don’t speak to you son in the style you are responding in every post here - more justifications - I am shocked, as a parent I have a right to be shocked etc. Leave him alone now. I hope you won’t start interfering if he decides to get married soon. This excuse of protecting them is too much. If you have anxiety or boredom, seek solution for that.

Show quote history

You don’t necessarily know how I speak to my sons. We have a very good relationship. Just because we read the room wrong, no had died. We thought because he kept mentioning about how much his friends pay for rent in London compared to the starting salaries he’d have liked the flat. For that we were wrong parents can get it wrong sometimes at least we do.

We aren’t the perfect parents all we do is try we’ve made many mistakes in the 22 years things always work out in the end and I will always be happy for our children whatever path the choose in life. It is very tough for young people very different to my experience growing up I would have crumbled at all these multi stage interview. My first “proper job” no technical task no test or anything. We are proud of him and his decision it’s his life and want the very best for him sometimes we just get it wrong that’s parenting at least amongst the people I know in real life when we discuss things in terms of parenting. My parents made the “wrong call” all the time, the older I get them more I look back and know that it was all out of love and all they wanted was to support and help me.

OP posts:
user3398721 · 08/09/2026 16:35

BeNeatCat · 08/09/2026 15:59

Yeah she has been in touch with her university they have told her that there’s opportunities to work as HCA at the local hospital on their staff bank and is in touch with a girl that attended her school previously and is a third year medic at her uni who does HCA part time but it’s bank so it works out well for her in terms of when she can work and when she can’t. She is not planning on keeping the supermarket job all throughout her degree due to the placement schedules and is working as much as she can at the minute to save up for university. She started tutoring this summer only had a few students but hopes to continue at university if she can as it’s online. She isn’t going to Cambridge or Ox for medicine.

Show quote history

Ah, I see. I just found this a bit confusing

Same way our daughter will be working at uni as she works for a supermarket here and has organised a transfer for when she starts at uni.

But not the point of the thread, so, crack on.

Horses7 · 08/09/2026 16:39

Let him be - he’s a grown up!

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